San Francisco to Offer Farming Communities Their Homeless Feces!

We go the poop you want








In a welcome display of Blue State-Red State cooperation, San Francisco has generously offered to give struggling farming communities in the interior of America their abundant supply of homless feces to use as fertilizer.

“We have a lot of poop on our streets” said San Francisco’s newly elected mayor, London Breed.

I mean tons of poop. It’s everywhere. We’ve become known as the Poop City by the Bay. And as Mayor I have vowed that tackling poop, well not literally, but tackling the poop problem will be my number one priority. That and locating my new home downwind of the homeless poop piles. Poop Mountain as some of us call it. Anyway I keep hearing that the interior red states are suffering economically. Probably because they aren’t as intelligent, forward thinking and elite as we on the coast. I hear farmers are particularly hard hit. I am not without sympathy. But they could have gone to college and studied computers. So I have come up with a plan that benefits both communities. San Francisco shall import its huge quantities of homeless poop to the struggling farm communities to use as fertilizer. I have never set foot on a farm and don’t know what they use as fertilizer but I hear they cut up undocumented Hispanic children and use them. And that’s wrong. Though sadly typical of the racist American interior.

To enable the more efficient and scientific collection of homeless feces, the city shall set up several “Poop Collection Stations” in strategic locations throughout the city.

Basically what we will be doing is rounding up our homeless – and don’t worry they will be allowed to bring their needles and heroin with them – and bringing them to the poop stations. Once inside they will be hooked up to intravenous feeding stations and fed a steady diet of liquid pizza. Why liquid pizza?  Because it’s more environmental. After a few hours on the pizza machines the homeless will of course have to evacuate their bowels  “Shitting” is what I think the unlettered people in the red states call it. Once a test subject feels the need to evacuate he will raise his or her or x/she’s hand. For in San Francisco we are not hung up on gender. Anyway once their hand is raised they will have a 12-inch diameter, high capacity suction hose inserted into their rectum. This will extract the fertilizer for processing. Each homeless person who has their fertilizer extracted will be given a coupon for half off a large or grande coffee at a participating Starbucks location.

However before the poop collection can begin a few kinks have to be ironed out.

We have had some problems with the suction machines. The first few homeless hooked up had their internal organs sucked out with the feces, contaminating the fertilizer and rendering it useless. So we have to think of another way to collect the poop.

The Mayor toured a poop collection station and mused how her policy is a great step forward in inter-state cooperation.

“We just have convince the homeless this in their best interest. Most are willing but only if we serve Château le Blanc ’68 slightly chilled with the liquid pizza.”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    I don’t know why, by this reminds me of Gwyneth Paltrow. Do you remember “Gloop”? It rhymes with…

    Just a thought.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I had to stop writing about dear old Gwyneth. I consciously uncoupled from her you could say.

      It was just too easy.

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