It’s bad enough you guys never ask for directions but you never follow mine either!

Today at Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing a woman of extreme importance in American history: None other than the Shoshone squaw and Lewis and Clark guide Sacagawea.

MI: Good afternoon Sacagawea

S: Yeah, whatever.

MI:Would you like to smoke the pipe of peace with me?

S: Listen on behalf of my people I have no time for your racist shit.

MI: Okay I’m sorry. I just thought you’d like to honor the traditions of your fathers.

S: The tradition of my fathers? You mean being kidnapped by the Hidatsu and then sold in marriage to a French trapper? Yeah some rich tradition.

MI: Let’s move along. How did you end up in the Corps of Discovery?

S: My husband got a job with them. And being a woman – with no rights – I had to go with him.

MI:  I see. What did you think of Lewis and Clark?  Any inside information you might want to share with my readers?

S:  The two didn’t along very well.  Clark kept complaining that he should get top billing. Lewis complained about Clark’s toxic masculinity. They avoided each other. Clark would smoke a pipe and drink with the men and Lewis would make maps and put a pistol in his mouth.  He said it was a ritual of his people. Whatever. I’ve seen people off themselves before, crazy white man.

MI:What was it like being the only female member in the Corps of Discovery? Do you have any fond memories?

S: Fond memories?  Do you know what it’s like sharing a canoe with nothing but men?

MI: No I can’t say that I can. I mean that literally. The court records are sealed.

S: All they ever did was talk about sports. Nonstop. All day long. Sports this. Sports that. Can’t we just stop talking about sports for five minutes and talk about our feelings instead?

MI: That must have gone over well.

S: Oh very well. They “accidentally” left me behind one day. But I caught up and kicked some white people’s ass I did.

MI: I see.

S: And no one ever stopped to ask for directions. Ever!  They kept looking at their maps and saying “Where the hell are we?” I’d say “Well just stop the damn canoe and ask someone for directions!” But they never did. We were damn lucky we didn’t end up in Baltimore. And no one would have enjoyed that.

MI: I bet not.

S: And what’s with the farting?  That’s all they did. Fart. 

MI: Fart?

S: All the goddamn time. They thought it was funny. But meanwhile I’m gasping for air, my eyes are watering and the farts are setting fire to the riverbank. I ain’t cleaning that up I told them. They just laughed and called me an irrational woman.

MI: When the expedition was over did Lewis and Clark give you anything?

S: They gave me something they called “Selfies.”

MI:What were those?

S: Pictures of their penises. I kept telling them “Guys it ain’t nothing I haven’t seen before.”

MI:What are you doing now?

S: I’m a stripper. Girl’s got to support her children you know.

MI: Okay. Anyway I thank you for your time.

S:  Would you like a lap dance? It’s only a 100 dollars.

MI: No, I –

S: F*cking white men. Always want it for free.

And so ended my interview with the legendary squaw. It’s a good thing she’s gone. I really have to fart.

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