Life as we know it is over!

With the shutdown of our benevolent Government dragging into its second week and no end in sight I thought it would be good for my readers if I created a handy guide to surviving this apocalyptic event.

After all, why shouldn’t my readers benefit from my wisdom? And yes the phrase “benefit from my wisdom” does legally include and any all dick photos I may choose to send.

•  Why is our benevolent government, the government I am dependent on and have always considered a great white father figure, shut down?

Republicans are evil people and Donald Trump is Satan. 

• I know that already. But why is Satan in the White House totally shutting down our benevolent government that in so many ways is a second father to me?

The Great Satan in the White House wants to build a wall to keep brown people out of the United States. 

• Wow. The Great Satan in the White House is such an evil racist!

He makes me sick to my stomach. Walls are always wrong and should never be built. Except where I live of course but that’s only because I want to keep the brown drug dealers out. But that’s just common sense.

• Um. Didn’t you just say walls should never be built?

It’s okay when I do it. I’m a Democrat.

• I’m worried that with the government shut down I won’t get free stuff from them.  I depend on the government, who is like a second father to me, to give me free stuff.

This is a valid concern. Our Federal government is the kindest, gentlest, most benevolent institution that ever existed. We as Americans should get down on our  knees every day and thank the Feds for making us dependent upon them. For that is true benevolence and freedom.

• I agree with you 100 percent!

And I agree that you should agree with me. For agreeing to be dependent on the Federal government is kind and compassionate. It is what Jesus would have wanted.

• Really?

When he said “I am the way the truth and the life” what do you think he was referring to? He was talking about our Federal government. You shall have no other god but the Federal government.

• Back to the shutdown. What exactly will be closed? I heard this is only a partial shutdown.

Technically yes it is a partial shutdown. But the body of our Government has still been wounded by Satan in the White House. And when the body of our government is wounded, we who are subjects of the Government, share in the pain.

• But what specifically will be shut down?  Will I be able to visit national parks?

No they will be shut down. But you should never visit those anyway. Don’t you know that trees frighten black people and remind them of lynching?  We must cut down every tree in America.

• You have me convinced. I am going to cut down every tree I see. I will do it to thwart Satan in the White House’s agenda.

You are a noble person.

• Thank you. One more  thing. What can I do to ensure that our benevolent Government is never shut down again?

Kill Republicans. They are evil. I, as an elite, believe this to be so and it makes me feel better about myself.

There you have it readers. Now don’t you feel sorry that our Government is shut down?  You should!  Life as we know it may end without Government subsidies.

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Socialists like to redistribute things, including bodily fluids

Lately 2016 Democratic-Socialist candidate Bernie Sanders has been rocked by allegations that his campaign was rife with sexual harassment and pay inequality. Mr. Sanders has asked to use this blog to defend himself and his male campaign workers. We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have acceded to his request.

Take it away Senator Sanders.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.

Like many of you I was shocked to learn that accusations of bad conduct were made against campaign workers of mine during 2016. Shocked to learn that Republicans could sink so low as to accuse socialists of this type of behavior.

Sexual harassment is a term invented by capitalists that exposes their dirty, filthy minds.

What happened to my female campaign workers at the hands of the male campaign workers was not, is not, in any way shape or form so-called harassment.

I am a socialist. My campaign workers are socialists. As socialists what we strive to do is equitably redistribute the things of this world. 

My male campaign workers, as good socialists, were simply redistributing their hands, tongues and penises to the bodies of the female campaign workers.

What could possibly be wrong with that?

Now I appreciate that not everyone who reads your blog is a socialist. So I will put my male campaign workers behavior in terms that capitalists will be able to understand:

Capitalism is based on the transfer of goods and services. My female campaign workers had the goods, being their bodies. My male campaign workers did them a service by redistributing their semen all over them.

Now, again, had my campaign workers been capitalists they would have paid the women. And that is shameful. Instead, as socialists the women were not paid. Instead they were given papers that allowed them to get food from officially approved government stores. And, as socialists, we confiscated their guns.

I really don’t understand what the big deal is about the semen redistribution. Women enjoy intercourse with men and enjoy fantasizing about being raped by three men simultaneously. I have written about this before. 

Redistribution of bodily fluids!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now onto the second allegation:  Pay disparity.

We must all admit that income inequality is a very serious problem in the United States. More must be done to ensure that everyone makes the same salary.

Well, for the men anyway.

In the socialist society that I want to bring to the capitalist United States the nuclear family will be abolished and it will now take a village to raise a child.

Naturally this means women will not be allowed to get jobs. We will need them in our long houses nursing and raising the children.

By paying the women less I was simply weaning them off their capitalistic ways and introducing them to the wonder of socialism.

And by the wonder of socialism I also mean the semen from my male coworkers.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

Um.  Thank you Bernie Sanders I’m sure my readers appreciate your words and now have a better understanding of the glory of socialism.

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Drinking beer helps get me down with the common folk

From time to time I get requests from public figures to use the pages of this blog to reach out to the common person.  As such I was delighted to receive a phone call from Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. As many of you no doubt know Senator Warren announced her candidacy for President on New Years’ Eve. I am delighted to have her here today.

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Warren.

EW:  Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you have any fermented beverages in your icebox?

MI: Um. I have some beer in my refrigerator. Is that what you mean?

EW:  Yes. I love drinking beer. I drink beer all the time. You know, like all common people do. Because I’m a commoner. And I’m down with the struggle. But I have to warn you. After a few O’Douls I’m a madman. Totally out of control and up for anything. You know. Like all common people.

MI:  Um. Okay.  You do know that O’Douls is a non-alcoholic brand. I have some Sapporo 

You can’t handle this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if you want it.  Or a Heineken or some Angry Orchard cider. It’s your choice.

EW:  Whatever. Just bring me some fermented beverages from your icebox. Because I, Elizabeth Warren, am a commoner. I am down with the common folk and I drink fermented beverages like the common folk do!

[Manhattan Infidel hands Senator Warren a Sapporo]

EW:  Thank you. Do you have a can opener?

MI:  You open it like this – see the tab on the top. 

EW:  I don’t need your help!  We commoners are very self-reliant!

[Warren drinks from the can of Sapporo, then proceeds to crush it against her head and burp]

EW:  I am crushing an aluminum can against my head. That’s what all we commoners do after finishing our fermented beverage of choice.

MI: Yes. That’s what all us commoners do.

EW:  DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MI:  Um. No. What?

EW:  Manhattan Infidel I want to f*ck the shit out of you.

MI:  What?

EW:  That’s right. I, Elizabeth Warren, want to f*ck the shit out of you. Because that’s what all common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages. We engage in carnal relations with people we have never met before!

MI:  No thanks. I’ll pass.

EW:  Oh come on. Manhattan Infidel please. I love you so much!

[Warren begins to weep]

MI: Do you have someone who can drive you home?

[Warren begins throwing plates]

EW: Is it because you’re cheating on me?  

MI: No. It’s just that –

EW:  It is! You’ve been cheating on me with that Alexandria Ocasio Cortez bitch, haven’t you? Is it because she’s younger? What does she have that I don’t? I have sexual experience and I can rock your f*cking world! Tell me! What does she have that I don’t? 

Teeth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Um. Teeth?

EW:  Please Manhattan Infidel, say you love me!

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.

[Warren begins to vomit in the kitchen trash]

MI: And you’re vomiting. I’m not cleaning that up.

EW: I am involuntarily, forcefully expelling the contents of my stomach through my mouth and nose, like the common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages.

[Warren passes out]

MI: Great. Another Massachusetts senator has gotten drunk and passed out in my kitchen. It makes me miss Kennedy. At least he drank an entire case of beer before throwing up and passing out in my kitchen.

This certainly wasn’t the interview with Elizabeth Warren that I was hoping for. I guess it’s true what they say:  Native Americans just cannot handle their liquor.

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Donald Trump gave Ginsburg cancer!

The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

With word that the most compassionate person ever, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had been hospitalized to have two cancerous nodules removed from her left lung people began asking “How did this happen? An 85-year old woman in the prime of her life just doesn’t get cancer!  Was Donald Trump involved?”

These are all reasonable questions.

I believe that Donald Trump personally held Ginsburg down and injected her with a cancer-causing agent.*

*I have no proof that the events I am about to narrate actually happened. But I do not need proof. They ring true. They have the touch of authenticity. And from what we know about Trump’s character this is something he would do.  The events are fake, yet accurate.

• Fact:  Donald Trump is directly responsible for the deaths of over 2,000 people during his long career, including Jimmy Hoffa, Nelson Mandela and the University of Marshall football team that died in a plane crash. He is also a Republican.
• Fact:  Republicans do not care about human life and live to kill.
• Fact:  Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a compassionate liberal. Liberals care about every human life (even the ones they order killed in drone strikes.)
• Fact: This makes Judge Ginsburg a target of Donald Trump’s irrational Republican hatred.
• Fact:  Ruth Bader Ginsburg lives in mortal fear of Donald Trump and has told friends that “He will kill me.”

Having gathered all these incontrovertible facts together I speculate that on or about the evening of November 22, 2018 Donald Trump, dressed in combat fatigues and blackface (how racist but what do you expect from this lifelong KKK member?) cut the electricity to Judge Ginsburg’s house.

Then, with the compassionate Ruth Bader Ginsburg plunged into darkness, Trump broke open the front door brandishing an AK-47 (oh but these Republicans are all gun freaks!)

Taking advantage of the darkness and surprise, Trump terrorized Ginsburg by chasing her around her house while shouting “Yippee yi kay yay motherf*cker!”

Ginsburg, a compassionate liberal anti-gun progressive, having no guns in her house did what all good citizens should do:  She called the local police department and informed them that she was in mortal danger of her life. When informed that the police would not be able to arrive for ten minutes at the earliest Ginsburg responded, “I understand. This is the price we pay for living in a civilized, disarmed community.”

The evil Trump took advantage of Ginsburg’s progressive disarmament and kicked his way into her bedroom.  He then held her down, pulled out a syringe and said “I am Donald Motherf*cking Trump and I am going to inject you with a cancer-causing agent.”

Having injected Ginsburg Trump left to report what he had done to the local KKK chapter.

The police arrived ten minutes later and consoled Judge Ginsburg by telling her that self-defense is not necessary in a socialist workers paradise. She agreed and thanked the police for having a monopoly on guns.

I, Manhattan Infidel, stand by this story. The facts may not be true. But they are accurate.

I now humbly accept my Pulitzer.

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Collusion collusion collusion!

The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In Part II of my ground-breaking and award-winning report on collusion between Trump and Russia I focused on the period leading up to election night. In Part III of my ground-breaking and award-winning report on collusion between Trump and Russia (I fully expect a Pulitzer and the Nobel prize) I shall focus on the months between Trump’s election and his inauguration.

Shortly after his controversial election (controversial because America would never reject the most qualified and experienced woman in America, Hillary Clinton (shown here))

Hillary Clinton on election night

President-elect Trump’s National Security Adviser Michael Flynn received a call from Santa’s North Pole Security Adviser, Rudolph the Red Nosed homosexual reindeer.

Works for Santa; Does his bidding

General Flynn of course lied to the FBI about this conversation. I have the transcript which I now present for my readers:

RRNHR:  General Flynn.  Congratulations on the election.

MF:  Thank you.

RRNHR: Let’s cut to the chase. I work for Santa you see. He wants you to know that he put your boss back on the nice list.

MF:  Yes I heard.

RRNHR:  Do you know why he did this?

MF:  From what I understand President-elect Trump and Vladimir Putin colluded to steal the election and beat Hillary Clinton. I mean how else could he have won? It’s not like America was going to reject the most intelligent and qualified female candidate in the United States.

RRNHR:  No. They never would. But anyway there was more to the deal than that. Your boss also needed help getting onto Santa’s nice list. So while he and Putin were colluding Santa agreed to put Trump on the nice list in return for security agreements and arms from Russia.

MF: Horse trading. That’s what we call it in America. Horse trading.

RRNHR:  Anyway in return for taking your boss off the naughty list,  Santa wants something from Trump.

MF:  Tit for tat. I understand.  Horse trading you see. I’m a horse trader. What do you want?

RRNHR:  As you know the reindeer fly over the entire United States. They need a place to deposit their feces safely. You know, so they aren’t shitting all over America.

MF:  How about Maryland?  I’m sure the farmers will appreciate a crap bombardment from the sky.

RRNHR:  Sounds good to me. One more thing. This conversation never happened.

We all know what happened next. The FBI came calling after the appointment of a special prosecutor to ask General Flynn about Russian collusion. They asked him if Rudolph the Red Nosed homosexual reindeer had called him at 2:38 pm on December 17, 2016. General Flynn said Rudolph called at 2:20. And that was a lie! He lied to the FBI to cover his boss’s collusion with Russia to get off of Santa’s naughty list and to steal the 2016 election.

It all makes total sense. I mean why else would America reject the most qualified and experienced woman in America, Hillary Clinton? (Pictured here).

The most qualified woman in America

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Collusion collusion collusion!

The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In my previous post I detailed some of the behind-the-scenes machinations to get serial naughty list member Donald Trump onto the nice list.

In part II of my award-winning piece of investigative journalism I make shit up I will detail the time from the Democratic and Republican conventions where Trump faced off with Clinton to the horrific election night, where Trump won. Or as I like to call it: The night God died and the most qualified and intelligent woman in the world lost because America still suffers from sexism and toxic masculinity.

For most of the campaign Hillary Clinton (pictured here)

Hillary Clinton during a campaign stop

had a commanding lead over mere businessman and non-elite Donald Trump.

That’s what the polls said. And why would the ignorant rubes in red state America lie to pollsters by telling them they were voting for Hillary when they intended to vote for Trump? Sure they would be publicly shamed but I doubt the ignorant red state rubes know the meaning of a difficult concept like shame.

However there were troubling signs during October.  Crowds flocked to Trump events while at campaign stops in Ohio and Pennsylvania Hillary drew smaller crowds than a Journey concert without Steve Perry.

Waiting to hear the Journey-less Steve Perry

Yeah, that bad.

Like a giant skin tag, something was amiss.  Could the American public actually be rejecting the most qualified and intelligent woman in America? Only a fool would think that.

At the same time rumors were swirling that Trump would be put on Santa’s nice list.

How could this be?

The answer must lie in the diabolical Donald Trump’s collusion with Russia.

After sparing no expense I bought coffee and finding no evidence of collusion I was about to give up. Then I remembered the first rule of journalism:  Always wear a condom.  No wait, that’s the second rule of journalism.  The first rule of journalism is:  If you have a theory that will help the Democrats and hurt the Republicans, then there is no need of so-called evidence. Your theory is fake, yet points to a higher truth.

So I went home and found online a transcript of a phone call between then-candidate Trump, Putin and Santa Claus.  I believe this transcript is real.

DT: Hey guys, I need some help.

VP: Anything you want. Just take back Steven Seagal.  

DT: It’s a deal. Speaking of deals, can you help me defeat Hillary and get me back on Santa’s nice list?

SC: I can’t do that. You’re naughty.

VP: I have evidence that Rudolph is a homosexual and you and him are lovers. I shall release this information.

SC: Looks like your back on the nice list.

DT: Thanks. Now about defeating Hillary – 

VP: I’m already on it. My best agents are fanning out across the United States breaking into voting machines.

DT: Thanks. That’s the only way I’d win you know. America would never reject the most qualified and intelligent woman in America.

VP:  No. They wouldn’t. Now please take back Steven Seagal.

SC: Hey I want promises that for putting you on the nice list you won’t mention anything about Rudolph and I.

DT: Mention what?  I didn’t hear anything.

SC: Thanks.

VP: Steven Seagal is an asshole.

Do we really need further evidence that Donald Trump colluded with Russia?

Next on Part III:  Elections have consequences.

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Collusion collusion collusion!

The following Special Report has been made possible by a grant from the Chubb Group of Insurance Companies.

In March of 2016 then-candidate Donald Trump dispatched a top aide to Russia to meet with Russian intelligence assets. What was discussed at that meeting is of course unknown but it set in motion a train of events that moved Donald Trump from his longtime position on Santa’s naughty list to the Presidency of the United States and a pole position on Santa’s nice list.

After an exhaustive investigation Google I have arrived at the following conclusions:

• There is no natural way Donald Trump could have won the Presidency against such a qualified candidate as Hillary Clinton
• There is no natural way Donald Trump could have been placed back on Santa’s nice list.
• Russian operatives in the North Pole sowed dissent with elves and reindeer in an attempt to distract Santa and throw Trump back on the nice list.
• A special prosecutor should be appointed to investigate any an all actions by Donald Trump from the time he announced his candidacy to his controversial and still-contested election as President.

A November 2015 memo From Santa to his top elves that I have a copy of reads in part:

……..under no circumstances is Donald Trump to get any presents. He is on the naughty list.  THE NAUGHTY LIST. He has been on the naughty list since he dumped Ivana for that hussy Marla Maples. I don’t care how many letters he sends saying he has been a good boy. We are not to change his status to “nice.” NO TOYS! That’s my final word on the subject.

A February 2016 intelligence report on then-candidate Trump commissioned by Secretary of State John Kerry has this telling section:

Re: Attempts by Trump to get on nice list

We are aware of private citizen (may he forever remain so) Trump’s various attempts to influence North Pole decision makers to be put on the nice list. Private citizen Trump owns a hotel in the North Pole and he might use this as leverage to get off naughty list. We do not feel it will be successful as Santa is a known progressive sympathetic to President Obama’s policies. So to recap: Our best and brightest intelligence sources in the FBI and CIA feel his attempts will not succeed. If he does by chance get put on the nice list we will make up a cover story that said Trump colluded with Russia.

Editors note:  We at Manhattan Infidel feel the last sentence about making “up a cover story” was not in the original memo and was possibly put there later by a right wing white nationalist in the State Department to discredit Kerry and Obama.

When Hillary Clinton became the official nominee of the Democratic Party she received a visit from the North Pole’s Secretary of State Hermey (pictured here)

The North Pole’s Secretary of State and only dentist, Hermey

who assured candidate Clinton that she is the only candidate on Santa’s nice list. Hermey then contributed 1.5 million to the Clinton Foundation.

It would seem from the available evidence so far that the ruffian Donald Trump and his brand of toxic masculinity had no chance of getting on Santa’s nice list. So how did it happen?

Next in Part II:  Russia, Russia, Russia!

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