Rip Van Winkle Blames Thyroid Medicine!

Why am I so tired? I though the pills were supposed to have the opposite effect? Or is it affect?








Local resident Rip Van Winkle, who recently emerged from 20 years sleep, has blamed his doctor for upping the dosage on his hypothyroidism pills.

“I’ve always been tired and lacked energy” said the Dutchman.

I thought it was normal. Then one day I went to my doctor and he did some blood work. “Your thyroid levels are very low” he says. “You have hypothyroidism. I’m going to give you some pills.” My mother had hyperthyroidism. One day she just upped and exploded. I want to be healthy so I took the pills. I went back in three months later and the doctor was all like “Your thyroid levels are still low.”  So he increased the dosage. I go back three months later again and he still says my thyroid level is too low so, you guessed it, he increased the dosage. I told him that the pills were just making me sleepy and he said “You have to take them.”  I was worried and he said “What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like you are going to go to sleep for 20 years.”  Yeah, well who’s laughing now you monkey-faced bitch.”

Upon awaking Van Winkle was shocked to discover that his beard was very long.

So I go into town to get it shaved at a barber and everyone was pointing at me and saying “Hipster!”  I think it was an insult. I had to ask what a hipster was and they told me it was someone who never bathed or worked and was genuinely all around annoying. No. It definitely was an insult. Then I find out that I had been sleeping for 20 years. I went to my doctor and said “WTF man?”  You know what he did?  Increased the dosage again. Then charged me extra since I lost my insurance when Obamacare became law. Well at least I won’t be fined for not returning any of the VHS’s I rented from Blockbuster. I hear they went out of business. Someone told me to “stream” my movies now. So I put them in the river. Didn’t seem to do anything. I still wasn’t able to watch the movie.

Still despite a letter from his doctor stating that Van Winkle “suffers from very low thyroid levels and might be dead” many are skeptical of his claim to have slept the past 20 years.

“He was always going on and on about how his wife kept henpecking him” said a neighbor.

So when he disappeared we naturally suspected that he just ran away. Others have seen him up in the mountains and he’d always say “Don’t tell my wife I’m here.”  Well when we told him that she had died he said “Hot diggity dog!  I’m coming back into town.”


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Rip Van Winkle’s doctor has responded to the controversy by upping his medication dosage yet again.

“I don’t care how sleepy it makes him.  I’m getting paid by the drug companies to promote this thyroid medication and goddammit I’m going to promote it.”


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