Drinking beer helps get me down with the common folk

From time to time I get requests from public figures to use the pages of this blog to reach out to the common person.  As such I was delighted to receive a phone call from Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. As many of you no doubt know Senator Warren announced her candidacy for President on New Years’ Eve. I am delighted to have her here today.

MI:  Good afternoon Senator Warren.

EW:  Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you have any fermented beverages in your icebox?

MI: Um. I have some beer in my refrigerator. Is that what you mean?

EW:  Yes. I love drinking beer. I drink beer all the time. You know, like all common people do. Because I’m a commoner. And I’m down with the struggle. But I have to warn you. After a few O’Douls I’m a madman. Totally out of control and up for anything. You know. Like all common people.

MI:  Um. Okay.  You do know that O’Douls is a non-alcoholic brand. I have some Sapporo 

You can’t handle this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if you want it.  Or a Heineken or some Angry Orchard cider. It’s your choice.

EW:  Whatever. Just bring me some fermented beverages from your icebox. Because I, Elizabeth Warren, am a commoner. I am down with the common folk and I drink fermented beverages like the common folk do!

[Manhattan Infidel hands Senator Warren a Sapporo]

EW:  Thank you. Do you have a can opener?

MI:  You open it like this – see the tab on the top. 

EW:  I don’t need your help!  We commoners are very self-reliant!

[Warren drinks from the can of Sapporo, then proceeds to crush it against her head and burp]

EW:  I am crushing an aluminum can against my head. That’s what all we commoners do after finishing our fermented beverage of choice.

MI: Yes. That’s what all us commoners do.

EW:  DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

MI:  Um. No. What?

EW:  Manhattan Infidel I want to f*ck the shit out of you.

MI:  What?

EW:  That’s right. I, Elizabeth Warren, want to f*ck the shit out of you. Because that’s what all common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages. We engage in carnal relations with people we have never met before!

MI:  No thanks. I’ll pass.

EW:  Oh come on. Manhattan Infidel please. I love you so much!

[Warren begins to weep]

MI: Do you have someone who can drive you home?

[Warren begins throwing plates]

EW: Is it because you’re cheating on me?  

MI: No. It’s just that –

EW:  It is! You’ve been cheating on me with that Alexandria Ocasio Cortez bitch, haven’t you? Is it because she’s younger? What does she have that I don’t? I have sexual experience and I can rock your f*cking world! Tell me! What does she have that I don’t? 

Teeth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

MI:  Um. Teeth?

EW:  Please Manhattan Infidel, say you love me!

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have.

[Warren begins to vomit in the kitchen trash]

MI: And you’re vomiting. I’m not cleaning that up.

EW: I am involuntarily, forcefully expelling the contents of my stomach through my mouth and nose, like the common folk do after ingesting fermented beverages.

[Warren passes out]

MI: Great. Another Massachusetts senator has gotten drunk and passed out in my kitchen. It makes me miss Kennedy. At least he drank an entire case of beer before throwing up and passing out in my kitchen.

This certainly wasn’t the interview with Elizabeth Warren that I was hoping for. I guess it’s true what they say:  Native Americans just cannot handle their liquor.

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