Soylent Green was once the industry standard

For the third quarter in a row, Soylent Green Enterprise Ltd, maker of Soylent Green has seen its market share fall dramatically.

“If this keeps up we may be forced out of business” said Soylent Green’s CEO.

Once the standard in the post-apocalyptic food stuff market, Soylent Green has seen steady inroads in its market share by companies such as Apple, who launched their iSoylent line last year to much industry hype and success.

“There’s an old saying in business:  Adapt or die.  Or contribute to the Democrats” said a market analyst.

They didn’t adapt or contribute to the Democrats. Now they are dying. It’s their own fault.  They became complacent and believed that they would always have the dominant market share so they did nothing to improve Soylent Green.  Then Apple came along with iSoylent which was frankly a game changer. Soylent Green never knew what hit them.

iSoylent, which allows a user to download iTunes onto their soylent before they eat it debuted with a glitzy ad campaign featuring rock stars singing tunes of their own praising iSoylent.

Naturally the younger demographic was attracted to iSoylent.  Soylent green came to be seen as the post-apocalyptic food of their middle-aged parents.  And the young kids stopped using it for that reason.  Yes, we know it’s made of people but everyone is okay with that.  People need to eat you know. But marketing is important.  Also iSoylent is gluten-free, which matters to heath conscious kids.

Still others blame the FDA which instituted a series of regulations that critics say forever ruined the classic taste of Soylent Green.

“First they said we couldn’t use trans fat” griped Soylent Green’s CEO

And if that wasn’t bad enough then they banned artificial food coloring.  It’s Soylent Green for god’s sake!  Not Soylent white or Soylent pale indiscriminate color.  But they said using artificial food coloring increased the cancer risk. As if the radiation from the nuclear bombs didn’t increase the cancer risk.  Does the FDA worry about that?  No.  It’s political I tell you. We are being punished for not contributing to the Democrats.  So now that we can’t use food coloring we’ve been forced to use only the Irish in our Soylent to get back the classic green color.  But the Irish always taste like beer, no matter how many times you sterilize the soylent cakes.

Still Soylent Green isn’t throwing in the towel yet.  “New” Soylent Green is set to be introduced in the fall.

It’s just like the classic Soylent Green but we’ve tinkered with the formula a little.  Okay, a lot.  Okay so we reverse engineered iSoylent and we copied their formula. Reverse engineering isn’t illegal. But you have to go with the times.  Kids love iSoylent.  We are simply following the trend.

Soylent Green is banking it’s future on “New” Soylent Green and has even hired comedian Bill Cosby to be their spokesman in the ad campaign.

“Yeah, we know Cosby has baggage but Caitlyn Jenner wanted too much money” said a marketing executive for Soylent Green.

(361)

I am black and I’m representin’!

On the heels of the resignation of its former head, Rachel Solezal, Vice President Naima Quarles-Burnley announced that singer and actress Jessica Simpson has been named the new full-time president of the organization.

“Jessica will bring to our organization her history of blackness and struggle'”said Quarles-Burnley.

And while we respect and honor our former president Rachel Dolezal who was publicly lynched by the white man, we appreciate that our organization is under a cloud.  Jessica will return normalcy to our struggle.  We welcome her and wish her the best in her new role.

Though long a favorite in the black community of Spokane, Simpson was not in fact the first choice to replace Dolezal.  Academy award winning actor Denzel Washington was considered but was rejected because his skin was too dark.

“We feared no one would believe him as a black man” admitted Quarles-Burnley by way of explanation.

After Washington was rejected Spokane’s leaders approached current president of Namibia, Hage Geingob.  Geingob turned down the offer when it was informed that he would have to move to Spokane and lighten the color of his hair.

“Those white people are crazy” Geingob reportedly told a friend.

It was only then that Simpson was offered the job.

At the press conference announcing her appointment Simpson promised to do all she could to make the black community of Spokane proud.

“I am  honored and humbled to take on this new role” said the singer.

Blacks have suffered and struggled throughout their entire history of oppression in the United States.  I  know a thing or two about oppression.  Just the other day the air conditioning went out in my mansion in Los Angeles. It got so hot my makeup started to run and my hair became wilted under the oppression of the humidity.  I said to myself “If black people have experienced anything as bad as this then I can really relate.”

In a nod to her most famous role as Daisy Duke in the Dukes of Hazzard, Simpson announced that she will proudly fly a confederate flag from the NAACP headquarters to show her solidarity with black people everywhere.

“I know I will be happy in Spokane” said Simpson.  “I just hope John Mayer doesn’t show up and ruin everything. The man’s a jerk.”

(395)

Whatever it was I didn’t do it. I think.

Usually at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have to seek out subjects to interview.  Today is different.  The subject of today’s interview called and requested to speak to me.  And so without further adieu I now present my exclusive interview with former football star, Hollywood star, acquitted double murderer and convicted robber and kidnapper Orenthal James Simpson.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson.  I must say I wasn’t expecting a phone call from you.

OJ: I don’t get many phone calls so I didn’t want to waste it.  I mean I tried calling to get pizza.  Or hookers. But the penitentiary has blocked those numbers. That’s when I called you.  Because there’s something I have to get off my chest.

MI: I’m flattered you chose me.  You mean you want to talk about the murder of your ex-wife and Ronald Goldman?

OJ: What? No.  I’ve put that out of my mind.  It’s history, like the pulsating arterial blood flow that escapes from a throat that’s been slit back almost to the spinal cord.

MI: Um. Okay. So what do you want to talk about?

OJ: This Rachel Dolezal chick.  When I heard that she was identifying as a black person I had to talk about. I can relate.

MI: Really?  How so?

OJ: She’s a white girl.  Totally white.  Whiter than the Starland Vocal Band eating vanilla ice cream while listening to Abba. But she says her lived experience is black. And she calls herself black. She feels black.

MI:  Your point being?

OJ: If your feelings can determine what you identify yourself as then I identify myself as an innocent man.

MI: An innocent man?

OJ: Yes.  Totally innocent.  Like the screams of an innocent Jewish waiter as he is stabbed 30 times.

MI: I really should hang up.

OJ: But don’t you agree with me that identity is a bourgeois construct?

MI: You don’t even know what that means.

OJ: Hey what time is it?

MI: It’s 2 pm.

OJ: I have to get back to my jail cell. It’s almost time for me to be raped by my cellmate.  Prison life is very structured you know.

MI: Good luck with that.

OJ: Wait, before you go is it true that Bruce Jenner is a woman?

MI: Yes, he’s in the process of transitioning full time to a female.

OJ: Damn. If I knew he was going to turn out to be a woman I never would have let him do me up the ass back in the ’70s.

MI: Right. I’ll just hang up now.

OJ: Hey do you have any smokes? Come on man I need some smokes.  Nothing is more refreshing than some smokes, except perhaps having your Armenian lawyer hide your murder weapon.

MI: Bye.

And so ended my exclusive interview with the former football star. Just between you and me I think he might be guilty of the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

(610)

Hey, I have a job to do shitheads. You don’t like my methods then go f*ck yourself!

Darth Vader of the Galactic Empire has been called back to the home planet to answer accusations that he regularly abused, threatened and bullied subordinates.

According to sources within the Empire, Vader’s superiors had for some time been carefully monitoring his interactions within the Galactic Empire.

“We take our commitment to providing an inclusive, nurturing and bullying free work environment seriously” said the head of The Empire’s Human Resources division.

We pride ourselves on providing a work environment where all can contribute to the growth of the empire.  As such we encourage our employees to “see something say something.”  We want all unprofessional behavior of any sort such as verbal or physical threats brought to our attention.  All employees of the Galactic Empire are required to take yearly online course detailing what is expected of them and what sort of behavior is prohibited, including but not limited to pushing, shoving, verbally threatening someone. and sexual harassment.  We also encourage employees to be safe and to report “active shooter” situations.  That is why the Empire is second to none in employee retention.

The flashpoint for Vader was an incident aboard the Death Star where an enraged Vader used the force of his Jedi religion to choke Admiral Motti.

Naturally we in the Empire respect freedom of conscience.  But for Vader to invoke his religion for anything other than the rights of transgendered is clearly wrong.  He used his religion to hurt someone else.  Sadly, isn’t that what all religions do?

Also while on board the Death Star Vader destroyed Princess Leia’s home planet of Alderaan.

When we heard that Vader had destroyed Alderaan we had to investigate whether, under the laws of the Empire, this could be construed as an active shooter situation.  We immediately apologized to Princess Leia for the destruction of her home planet.  While we are currently engaged in overseas operations against the Rebel Alliance we are concerned that such blatant acts of destruction will only create more rebels.  Vader at the very least should have warned Princess Leia that if she didn’t return the Death Star’s technical schematics he would make a strong speech at the next meeting of the Empire’s United Nations.

Further sullying Vader’s reputation is the email he sent after he received word of the official disapproval of his action destroying Alderaan.

“You’re f*cking kidding me” the email began.

Seriously?  You’re f*cking kidding me. I have a goddamn job to do.  You don’t like my methods than find someone else to f*cking bring down the rebel alliance. We’re at war.  And in war people die.  That’s the way it is and that’s the way it will always be. So take your goddamn active shooter worries and shove them up your Galactic Empire ass!

“That email made the rounds and everyone was talking about it” said a senator.

And while we appreciate that Vader has a tough job he must learn to control his temper. It’s hard enough trying to defeat the alliance without old black helmet head going off half cocked in some rage spiral.

********************************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news

********************************************************************************************************************

The Galactic Empire has suspended Darth Vader for six months without pay and ordered him to undergo anger management as well as take a course in anti-bullying.

“Fuck ’em” responded Vader.  “I’m quitting and going home to open a fruit stand.”

(483)