Lincoln Chafee Sworn in as President!

Yes II have a weird part in my hair.  It's metric!  And scientific!

Yes II have a weird part in my hair. It’s metric! And scientific!

And now I present part three (that’s 1,360.78 grams) of my series on 2016 presidential candidates and their inaugural addresses.  Today it’s former Rhode Island governor Lincoln Chafee’s turn.

My fellow Americans.  I stand before you today proud to be the 45th President of the United States.  I stand before you, all 6 feet and 185 pounds of me dedicated to reforming America into a metric loving nation Europe can be proud of. And by 6 feet I meant 1.83 meters and by 185 pounds I meant 83,914 grams.  Yes, meters and grams.  Get used to using those values, red state America.

Yes the root of all evil is the U.S. standard system of weights and measures.  Feet. Yards. Inches.  Pounds.  These are just Anglo-Saxon sounding words that have no meaning in today’s multi-cultural world of color.

The metric system is a system of peace.  Who knows.  If only the United States had adopted the metric system, as that great liberal Republican Ronald Reagan had wanted, perhaps Osama Bin Laden might never have attacked us.  Because if it’s one thing the followers of Allah hate more than Jews it’s feet, yards, inches and pounds.  They represent American imperialism at its worst.  Not good American imperialism like when George Clooney got married in Italy but the bad kind.  

I have dedicated my entire life to living a metric system existence.  And I am better for it.  I live in peace with Canada.  I love mother Earth.  I even watch soccer. All this is traced to the metric system.  

But wait, there’s more.  Look at my hair.  Yes.  I have a funny part. It’s not on the left.  It’s not on the right.  It’s kind of in the middle like I’m trying to hide a receding hairline.

That is not why I part my hair like this my fellow Americans.  I used the metric system to calculate where to part my hair.  I stand by the results.  The metric system is scientific, rational and enlightened.  And so is the part in my hair.

Yes, foolish American standard of weights and measures using peoples.  Look at the part in my hair. Stare deeply at my part.  Come into the light of the part of my hair. All are welcome in the light.  There is peace, joy and contentment in the part of my hair.

And so my first act as your President will be to make the metric system our official system of weights and measures.  I understand that this will be painful for many. But once they learn the peace and joy of metricism they will accept what I am trying to do for America.

But I trust that America will not resist the call to the metric system.  Just look at the part in my hair.  And believe.

Oh, and as for all the other stuff, ISIS, our debt, the threat of China, etc etc etc. That all pales in comparison to the holy crusade to adopt the metric system.

Thank you.  And may the metric system bless you.

Um.  I refuse to accept the part in his hair.  I will not worship before its altar.

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3 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Both Shemp Howard and Ali McGraw parted their hair in the middle sans a political agenda so why can’t we all accept the inevitable, huh?

  2. innominatus says:

    Trump measures for the part in his hair using cubits.

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