Darth Vader Accused of Bullying!

Hey, I have a job to do shithead.  You don't like my methods then go f*ck yourself!

Hey, I have a job to do shitheads. You don’t like my methods then go f*ck yourself!

Darth Vader of the Galactic Empire has been called back to the home planet to answer accusations that he regularly abused, threatened and bullied subordinates.

According to sources within the Empire, Vader’s superiors had for some time been carefully monitoring his interactions within the Galactic Empire.

“We take our commitment to providing an inclusive, nurturing and bullying free work environment seriously” said the head of The Empire’s Human Resources division.

We pride ourselves on providing a work environment where all can contribute to the growth of the empire.  As such we encourage our employees to “see something say something.”  We want all unprofessional behavior of any sort such as verbal or physical threats brought to our attention.  All employees of the Galactic Empire are required to take yearly online course detailing what is expected of them and what sort of behavior is prohibited, including but not limited to pushing, shoving, verbally threatening someone. and sexual harassment.  We also encourage employees to be safe and to report “active shooter” situations.  That is why the Empire is second to none in employee retention.

The flashpoint for Vader was an incident aboard the Death Star where an enraged Vader used the force of his Jedi religion to choke Admiral Motti.

Naturally we in the Empire respect freedom of conscience.  But for Vader to invoke his religion for anything other than the rights of transgendered is clearly wrong.  He used his religion to hurt someone else.  Sadly, isn’t that what all religions do?

Also while on board the Death Star Vader destroyed Princess Leia’s home planet of Alderaan.

When we heard that Vader had destroyed Alderaan we had to investigate whether, under the laws of the Empire, this could be construed as an active shooter situation.  We immediately apologized to Princess Leia for the destruction of her home planet.  While we are currently engaged in overseas operations against the Rebel Alliance we are concerned that such blatant acts of destruction will only create more rebels.  Vader at the very least should have warned Princess Leia that if she didn’t return the Death Star’s technical schematics he would make a strong speech at the next meeting of the Empire’s United Nations.

Further sullying Vader’s reputation is the email he sent after he received word of the official disapproval of his action destroying Alderaan.

“You’re f*cking kidding me” the email began.

Seriously?  You’re f*cking kidding me. I have a goddamn job to do.  You don’t like my methods than find someone else to f*cking bring down the rebel alliance. We’re at war.  And in war people die.  That’s the way it is and that’s the way it will always be. So take your goddamn active shooter worries and shove them up your Galactic Empire ass!

“That email made the rounds and everyone was talking about it” said a senator.

And while we appreciate that Vader has a tough job he must learn to control his temper. It’s hard enough trying to defeat the alliance without old black helmet head going off half cocked in some rage spiral.


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The Galactic Empire has suspended Darth Vader for six months without pay and ordered him to undergo anger management as well as take a course in anti-bullying.

“Fuck ’em” responded Vader.  “I’m quitting and going home to open a fruit stand.”


5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    While opening a fruit stand (Fruit stand: Gay bar without stools) may provide an immediate sense of gratification a Kundalini awakening would better serve to redirect his unbridled anger, hostility and feelings of guilt.

  2. petermc3 says:

    check your spam folder

  3. innominatus says:

    Luckily he’s a gov’t employee so he’s almost impossible to fire.

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