On Father’s Day Yankees Prove That Fatherhood is a Bourgeois Construct

“I self-identify as a gay, black, fatherless unicorn from Mars.  It is my lived experience” ~ Mark Teixeira

The scene of the crime

The scene of the crime

And so on Father’s Day in the Bronx, one day after beating Detroit 14-3 the Tigers had their revenge and beat the Yankees 12-4 proving once again that God is dead and fatherhood is a lie promulgated by the white man.

The Yankees started Mashahiro “My lived experience says my shoulder is more sensitive that a woman’s nipples during her period” Tanaka (4-3 3.17) and Detroit Anabil Sanchez (6-7 4.59).

I know what you are saying.  It’s Tanaka time.  The Yankees will sweep.

Alas, it was not to be.

In the top of the first Miguel Cabrera singled. Victor Martinez then homered.  2-0 Detroit. Tanaka should have gotten out of the inning but Didi “Error prone” Gregorius booted a routine grounder allowing Yoenis Cespides to reach first.  J.D. Martinez then homered.  4-0 Detroit before the Yankees even came to bat.

The man sitting behind me with his two young children immediately disowned them. “Fatherhood is not my lived experience.”

In the top of the second Victor Martinez singled home Jose Iglesias and Rajai Davis.  6-0 Detroit after 1 1/2.

In the bottom of the second after Mark Teixeira grounded out Brian McCann hit a home run to deep right field.  After Chris Young singled and stole second Brendan Ryan singled him home. 6-2 Detroit after two. Will the Yankees claw their way back? After all, Tanaka is on the mound. Not today my friends.

In the top of the fifth J.D. Martinez homered over the center field wall.  7-2 Detroit after five.

Tanaka ended up lasting five plus innings, allowing ten hits and seven runs (five earned).  He was taken out in the deadly sixth (where Detroit scored five times) and replaced by Danny Burawa who was making his major league debut. He sucked, lasting only 2/3rds of an inning giving up three hits and four runs.

He was replaced by Jose De Paulo who was also making his major league debut. He also sucked, only slightly less so.  But you know sometimes you have to let your young talent, especially pitchers, be bad.  I’m sure the Yankees will show patience with them.


Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News


The Yankees have announced that they have gone “Full Felix Leiter” on their two rookie pitchers and have lowered them into a shark cage to use as food.   As their legs were being ripped off and consumed the duo could be heard screaming “Not our legs!  We need our legs to pitch!”

I guess the Yankees weren’t that patient after all.

But what about Tanaka?  Every time he pitches bad Yankee fans hold their breath.  Is he hurt?  Will he have to go on the DL?  Will he need Tommy John surgery?

According to Vegas here at the current odds for Tanaka:

Will be chosen as the next James Bond……………………….2000-1

Will have his penis sliced in half and folded back upon itself creating an artificial vagina………………..1000-1

Will self-identify as a black woman……………………………………850-1

Will self-identify as a Shetland pony…………………………………..720-1

Will rape Dora the Explorer and dump her body in a garbage disposal……………….300-1

Will rape a garbage disposal while Dora the Explorer watches (you never know with the Japanese) ………………200-1 

Will do this: Tanaka time! ………………………………….100-1

Will eventually need Tommy John surgery…………………………… 25-1

So you see even Vegas isn’t convinced Tanaka can pitch an entire season in America without getting injured.

Oh the game?  The Yankees scored two more times as Stephen Drew (he of the .188 average homered in the seventh and ninth).

Final score:  Detroit 12 Yankees 4

Notes on the game:

Once again the Yankees teamed up with Major League Baseball to remind us all that we are going to die horribly.  Yes, it was prostate cancer awareness day at the Stadium.  Because it’s not enough to enjoy a baseball game.  The social justice warriors want you to conform. They are good people.  Better than you, you uncouth drinks beer from a can blue collar scum!

Best heckle of game:

I tried but my heckle of

The enormous tragedy of the dream in the peasant’s bent shoulders

Manes.  Manes was tanned and stuffed

Thus Ben and la Clara a Milano

by the heels at Milano

That maggots should eat the dead bullock………..

Yet say this to the Possum:  a bang, not  a whimper

with a bang not a whimper

didn’t fire up the crowd.  I guess no one appreciates history.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I self identify as a small business owner.”

Keep it to yourself!  Are you trying to rile people up!  Capitalism has been proven to be non-compassionate.

L.K of New Jersey writes, “I self identify as Derek Jeter and I want to sleep with Minka Kelly!

I have spoken to Minka and she says that for 30,000 dollars she will shake your hand and pose for a photo.

L.T. of New York writes, “I self-identify as myself.”

Bourgeois pig!  You disgust me.

Recommended reading material: –

The Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant (I have no idea who he self-identified as but I heard it might have been Mary Lincoln.)

And so my record stands at 3-2 this year.  My next game is Friday July 3rd against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!


1 Comment

One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    News Flash: IDM did not catch A-Rod’s 3000th hit, a result of his not self identifying as a baseball fan.
    A rod: a penis not split in half folded back to look like a vagina.

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