Whatever it was I didn’t do it. I think.

Usually at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have to seek out subjects to interview.  Today is different.  The subject of today’s interview called and requested to speak to me.  And so without further adieu I now present my exclusive interview with former football star, Hollywood star, acquitted double murderer and convicted robber and kidnapper Orenthal James Simpson.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Simpson.  I must say I wasn’t expecting a phone call from you.

OJ: I don’t get many phone calls so I didn’t want to waste it.  I mean I tried calling to get pizza.  Or hookers. But the penitentiary has blocked those numbers. That’s when I called you.  Because there’s something I have to get off my chest.

MI: I’m flattered you chose me.  You mean you want to talk about the murder of your ex-wife and Ronald Goldman?

OJ: What? No.  I’ve put that out of my mind.  It’s history, like the pulsating arterial blood flow that escapes from a throat that’s been slit back almost to the spinal cord.

MI: Um. Okay. So what do you want to talk about?

OJ: This Rachel Dolezal chick.  When I heard that she was identifying as a black person I had to talk about. I can relate.

MI: Really?  How so?

OJ: She’s a white girl.  Totally white.  Whiter than the Starland Vocal Band eating vanilla ice cream while listening to Abba. But she says her lived experience is black. And she calls herself black. She feels black.

MI:  Your point being?

OJ: If your feelings can determine what you identify yourself as then I identify myself as an innocent man.

MI: An innocent man?

OJ: Yes.  Totally innocent.  Like the screams of an innocent Jewish waiter as he is stabbed 30 times.

MI: I really should hang up.

OJ: But don’t you agree with me that identity is a bourgeois construct?

MI: You don’t even know what that means.

OJ: Hey what time is it?

MI: It’s 2 pm.

OJ: I have to get back to my jail cell. It’s almost time for me to be raped by my cellmate.  Prison life is very structured you know.

MI: Good luck with that.

OJ: Wait, before you go is it true that Bruce Jenner is a woman?

MI: Yes, he’s in the process of transitioning full time to a female.

OJ: Damn. If I knew he was going to turn out to be a woman I never would have let him do me up the ass back in the ’70s.

MI: Right. I’ll just hang up now.

OJ: Hey do you have any smokes? Come on man I need some smokes.  Nothing is more refreshing than some smokes, except perhaps having your Armenian lawyer hide your murder weapon.

MI: Bye.

And so ended my exclusive interview with the former football star. Just between you and me I think he might be guilty of the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

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