Soylent Green Loses Market Share!

Soylent Green was once the industry standard

Soylent Green was once the industry standard

For the third quarter in a row, Soylent Green Enterprise Ltd, maker of Soylent Green has seen its market share fall dramatically.

“If this keeps up we may be forced out of business” said Soylent Green’s CEO.

Once the standard in the post-apocalyptic food stuff market, Soylent Green has seen steady inroads in its market share by companies such as Apple, who launched their iSoylent line last year to much industry hype and success.

“There’s an old saying in business:  Adapt or die.  Or contribute to the Democrats” said a market analyst.

They didn’t adapt or contribute to the Democrats. Now they are dying. It’s their own fault.  They became complacent and believed that they would always have the dominant market share so they did nothing to improve Soylent Green.  Then Apple came along with iSoylent which was frankly a game changer. Soylent Green never knew what hit them.

iSoylent, which allows a user to download iTunes onto their soylent before they eat it debuted with a glitzy ad campaign featuring rock stars singing tunes of their own praising iSoylent.

Naturally the younger demographic was attracted to iSoylent.  Soylent green came to be seen as the post-apocalyptic food of their middle-aged parents.  And the young kids stopped using it for that reason.  Yes, we know it’s made of people but everyone is okay with that.  People need to eat you know. But marketing is important.  Also iSoylent is gluten-free, which matters to heath conscious kids.

Still others blame the FDA which instituted a series of regulations that critics say forever ruined the classic taste of Soylent Green.

“First they said we couldn’t use trans fat” griped Soylent Green’s CEO

And if that wasn’t bad enough then they banned artificial food coloring.  It’s Soylent Green for god’s sake!  Not Soylent white or Soylent pale indiscriminate color.  But they said using artificial food coloring increased the cancer risk. As if the radiation from the nuclear bombs didn’t increase the cancer risk.  Does the FDA worry about that?  No.  It’s political I tell you. We are being punished for not contributing to the Democrats.  So now that we can’t use food coloring we’ve been forced to use only the Irish in our Soylent to get back the classic green color.  But the Irish always taste like beer, no matter how many times you sterilize the soylent cakes.

Still Soylent Green isn’t throwing in the towel yet.  “New” Soylent Green is set to be introduced in the fall.

It’s just like the classic Soylent Green but we’ve tinkered with the formula a little.  Okay, a lot.  Okay so we reverse engineered iSoylent and we copied their formula. Reverse engineering isn’t illegal. But you have to go with the times.  Kids love iSoylent.  We are simply following the trend.

Soylent Green is banking it’s future on “New” Soylent Green and has even hired comedian Bill Cosby to be their spokesman in the ad campaign.

“Yeah, we know Cosby has baggage but Caitlyn Jenner wanted too much money” said a marketing executive for Soylent Green.


One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    A pox on both Isoylent and classic soylent. Anytime I want to eat someone I engage in cunilingis; although I wouldn’t mind Icunilingis.
    Neither would Bill Cosby.

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