Noah brought only male and female animals onto his ark, condemning transgendered animals to a watery death

Dateline 2348 B.C.  Ye Olde New York Times

We here at Ye Olde New York Times wish to comment on the recent flooding of the Euphrates River valley and in particular the actions of one Noah.

As everyone is aware flooding has killed thousands and destroyed the livelihood of many more. Yet one man has survived: Noah.

This Noah built himself a wooden ship, a ship he made by cutting down virgin rainforest.

We at Ye Old New York Times must condemn the actions of Noah.  By cutting down rainforest he damaged the ecosystem, displaced indigenous peoples and perhaps caused the flood itself.

This flood was caused by global warming.  Global warming is caused by lack of trees.  Noah chopped down trees.  Therefore global warming is caused by man.  The science is settled on this.

We at Ye Olde New York Times demand that the Federal government take away Noah’s ark privileges and furthermore, Noah be forced to pay for reforestation of the affected areas.

But what is most disturbing are reports that Noah only allowed “male and female” animals into his ark.

We at Ye Olde New York Times are profoundly disgusted by Noah’s hatred.

What about the transsexual animals? What about the animals with conflicted sexual identities?  What about the gay animals?

Noah’s heteronormative patriarchy deeply disturbs we at Ye Olde New York Times.

We demand that in the future, should another flood hit, gay, lesbian and transgendered animals be allowed into the ark.  Gays lesbians and transgendered animals bring many special gifts into the world and to deny them a place on the ark makes the entire world less inclusive and tolerant.

And finally we at Ye Olde New Y0rk Times have heard rumors that Noah continues to eat meat and that he ate meat while on the ark, using his poor captive animals as food.

Could not have Noah brought plants onto the ark and eaten them?  Could not he have gone fishing during the height of the flood?  Why the carnivorous diet?

There can be only one explanation.His carnivorous diet combined with his intolerance to gluten led to discharge of gas which led to more global warming which led to the flood.

We conclude by asking the authorities to arrest Noah.  He is a criminal who brought about the flood with hopes of profiting from it.

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New York Times

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