13 Jul 15

Fat Man Sworn in as President!

Get in my belly America!

Now it is time for part four of my series on 2016 presidential candidates and their inaugural addresses. Today it is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s turn.

Note: At the request of the President-elect the inauguration was moved from the Capitol to a nearby Wendy’s.

My fellow Americans. I am please to [burp] sorry. Just my breakfast backing up. I had one of Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Wraps. And you know what else is delicious? America. That’s what’s delicious. Almost as delicious as the Baconator sandwich

Almost as delicious as America

I have in my hands. Now watch me eat it. Mm. Delicious. That’s what I’m going to do to America’s debt. I am going to pretend it’s a Wendy’s Baconator and I’m going to consume it. Yes. Much like a competitive eater at the July 4th hot dog eating contest on Coney Island I am going to eat as much of the debt as I can in four years without throwing up.

Now everything is not perfect. We face challenges abroad. ISIS remains a threat. But I have a plan to defeat ISIS. I am going to go through ISIS just like this hot and juicy quarter pound triple burger

Get in my stomach!

went through my stomach: Swiftly and with extreme prejudice. And them I’m going to convert ISIS into waste material and shit it out. Just like I am planning to do with the triple burger as soon as I can get to a bathroom.

Russia remains a threat. Putin is intent on recreating the Soviet Empire. Well, I’m not going to let him. I’m going to teach him a lesson and once I do his power will decrease. He will go down smooth, just like this rich and meaty chili.

You’re going down Putin!

Mm. That was delicious. Oh, do I have some chili on my face? Well I’ll just wipe it off. Just like I’ll wipe Putin’s power off.

And let’s not forget about Iran. My predecessor signed a deal that gave Iran nuclear weapons. Now no matter what you think of the deal, and I supported it like all Republicans did, Iran is still a threat. But since they follow the prophet and the religion of peace perhaps not that big a threat. I can deal with them like I dealt with this Bacon Cheese Baked Potato.

Iran might be a threat. We must be cautious

It’ll be smooth, simple, gentle and nonviolent.

But perhaps our greatest threat remains our internal terrorists. I am referring to the teabaggers, who claim to be Republicans but want small government and less taxes. And since when has the Republican party ever stood for that? I will be ruthless with the teabaggers. When I am finished with them I am going to eat an Asiago Ranch Chicken Club Sandwich

This is for me, not for you, teabaggers!

in front of them. Yes, they can watch me, representing big government, eat the sandwich while they starve. Pathetic teabagging bastards.

And finally let me address a few words to those who worry that our system of socialism cannot survive our debt. Yes, I believe in socialism. Like all politicians in both parties I believe socialism is compassionate. It would be wrong to cut back on redistributing the socialist benefits of our state just because we are in debt. Debt never hurt a socialist republic before. I promise that America will continue to feast on Strawberry Fields Chicken Salad,

This is for you America, courtesy of your Federal government. Thank you.

half size, not full.

Yes, I realize it’s not a burger, or chicken wrap, or chicken wings. But the point is America will still be getting stuff for free from the government. We’ll just have to raise taxes on the rich. No big deal.

So in closing I’d just like to say thank you America for electing me. Now excuse me while I go to the bathroom. Oh, that bacon cheese potato is coming out my back end now.

That was the greatest inauguration speech I have ever heard. Even greater than William Howard Taft’s

Children are delicious!

“Excuse me while I eat this small child” speech. Well, almost.

(451)

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Posted by Manhattan Infidel

10 Jul 15

The Emails of Hillary Clinton

Being the successful world famous blogger that I am my time is often taken up ~~hanging around high schools and asking the girls if they are in to it~~ researching current events.

Like most people who read this blog I have been following ~~Olivia Wilde and peeking into her bedroom window~~ the saga of presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her private emails.

Because of the massive amount of emails (over 55,000 pages) I decided to choose one thread that I think best offers a glimpse into the inner workings of our next president:

From: H <hrod17@clintonemail.com>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 14;53:30

To: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Subject: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

I logged into a computer. It’s not the one I’m usually logged into. I can’t find my desktop items or my documents folder. Plus the guy in the cubicle next to me asked me if I want to see pictures of his penis!

From: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 14:57:22

To: H <Hrod17>@clintonemail.com

Subject: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

I don’t know where. Have you looked in the my documents folder? And that guy who wants to show you his penis. It’s not my husband is it?

From: H <hrod17@clintonemail.com>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:08:06

To: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Subject: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

No. I don’t think so. He smells better. Kinda like Eric Holder after taking a shower with lifebuoy soap. He’s dreamy. I think he likes me. The other day at a cabinet meeting he looked right at me. His eyes saw into my soul. I quivered like a young lesbian at Wellesley College.

From: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:12:17

To: H <Hrod17>@clintonemail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

So it’s not Anthony? Good. I have to monitor his iCloud account now. He’ showing his penis to everyone but me! But back to your issue. Were you able to find your my documents folder?

From: H <hrod17@clintonemail.com>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:14:42

To: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

I don’t know. I give up. I hate PCs. They are like men. They never work and they have bulges in all the wrong places. I prefer Macintoshes. They are like women. Soft. Smooth. A pleasure to touch and look at. And like women they never go down! Going down violates my feminist integrity and I never do it. Bill said it’s why he seeks out interns. I don’t like Bill. He doesn’t smell like Lifebuoy soap.

From: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:15:38

To: H <Hrod17>@clintonemail.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

If you can’t find the my document folder then ask the help desk. That’s what they’re there for. Have you gotten any emails from Anthony? I haven’t heard from him in a few hours and I’m getting suspicious.

From: H <hrod17@clintonemail.com>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:18:19

To: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

I’ll check my blackberry. Yeah, I got one from him. Eww. So that’s what a penis looks like. Bill once asked me to touch his. I ran into the bathroom, locked the door and threw up. Penises are scary. I think Putin has a penis. He’s scary too! He’s not dreamy like Holder is. Did I tell you about my dream? The one with Holder in it?

From: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:20:42

To: H <Hrod17>@clintonemail.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

Oh do tell girl! You’re dreaming about him too?

From: H <hrod17@clintonemail.com>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:22:33

To: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

He was riding a white horse and he picked me up and put me on the back of his horse. He then took me to his castle that had plenty of shoes and I was able to watch Lifetime and The View all day! I didn’t even have to touch his penis.

From: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:26:51

To: H <Hrod17>@clintonemail.com>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

That is so romantic! The only thing missing were some sparkling vampires. Oh, and there is a cabinet meeting at 4 o’clock.

From: H <hrod17@clintonemail.com>

Sent: Wed Dec 23 2009 15:29:07

To: Abedin, Huma <AbedinH@state.gov>

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Where the fuck is my documents folder?

They were all talking about a meeting a four. I thought they were going to a strip club. I hate cabinet meetings. All the nasty men look at me. They all probably want me to touch their penis. I don’t like it when men stare at me. Except for Holder. I gave him my private number. I hope he calls. I’m going to stay home by the phone tonight.

This admittedly brief collection from Hillary’s 55,000 pages of emails gives us a clear indication of what her priority will be as our next president: 1) Making sure no asks her to touch their penis and 2) staying by the phone in case Eric Holder calls.

(337)

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9 Jul 15

Yankees Beat Oakland (The Chinese Stock Market Edition)

“Are they letting ethnic types in the game now?” ~ Billy Martin

A baseball stadium in the middle of the Bronx?

On an oppressively humid and rain-filled night in the Bronx (hey, Innominatus quit sending us your left coast rain forest weather) that saw the return of Jacoby Ellsbury and Andrew Miller from stints on the DL the Yankees battled the ~~Philadelphia, Kansas City~~, Oakland Athletics.

The Yankees started CC Sabathia (4-8 5.47) and the Athletics Scott Kazmir (5-5 2.49).

CC fortunately for the Yankees pitched like the fat CC of old (pictured here)

CC Sabathia in his prime.

and not the fat CC of new or the skinny CC of new.

Oakland scored first. Billy Butler led off the second with a double. After Brett Lawrie singled Butler was picked off in a rundown 6-2-5 trying to score. Josh Phegley then singled home Lawrie. Mark Canha, the next batter up then singled home John Smolinski who had reached on a fielder’s choice. 2-0 Oakland after 1 1/2.

In the top of the fourth Mark “All Star” Teixeira on a 1-2 count hit a towering home run that almost landed in the bleachers to my right. As you can see in this photo the mysterious blogger known as Manhattan Infidel, still in his blue work attire, just above the “O” in the Modells.com sign

I approve!

looks on approvingly. Chris Young then walked and John Ryan Murphy singled. Young then stole third on defensive indifference and a pitch later Murphy stole second. Jose Pirela then hit a sac fly. 3-2 Yankees after four.

In the top of the sixth Mark “Gluten Free” Teixeira led off again and hit his second home run of the game. 4-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the eighth Steven Drew homered to right field. 5-2 Yankees after eight. (This home run would prove to be the game winner.)

Andrew Miller came in for relief in the top of the ninth and proved rusty from his layoff, giving up a two run home run to Marcus Semien. Final score Yankees 5 Oakland 4.

Notes on the game:

Oakland starter Scott Kazmir left after three innings. Rumor has it he had invested the entire Oakland payroll in the Chinese stock market and wanted to skip town before he had the shit beat out of him by his teammates.

It was Pete Best appreciation night at the stadium. The Yankees value their relationship with Pete Best and the first 18,000 in attendance were personally fired by Paul McCartney.

Okay, so maybe not. It was actually Dellin Betances bobblehead doll night.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The blossoms of the apricot blow from the east to the west, And I have tried to keep them from falling” didn’t fire up the crowd. Savage baseball fans!

It was raining as I arrived at the stadium, as this picture shows.

The saddest sight ever, except perhaps Olivia Wilde with another man

Tarp on the infield. The saddest sight ever. Except perhaps for my pay stub.

Reader mail:

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “I’m expanding my business. Where did I get the money? The Chinese stock market of course!”

What could possibly go wrong.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Thanks to sound investments in the Chinese stock market I am expanding the pit in my back yard where I bury the prostitutes.”

Hey, don’t you know that digging a hole in your back yard is illegal?

L.T. of New York writes, “The Chinese Stock Market? I saw the DVD. The production values were excellent.”

You filthy beast!

This my last game before the All Star break. The Yankees are in first place. Then again it is the AL East. 84 wins will get you the division. Still, this is better than I had expected from them. But how long are we going to continue to trot out Stephen Drew. Even though he hit the game winner today it’s July and he isn’t even batting the interstate. For god’s sake he’s not even batting the Mendoza line. Bring up Refsnyder from AAA.

John Schneider Banned!

Ban this man! He must be made to feel the economic consequences of his actions!

Controversial actor John Schneider, best known for The Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville, has been banned. Not only has Schneider been banned but any mention of Schneider, indeed the very spelling of his name in news articles has been banned. As such for the rest of this article whenever I mention this hated man’s name I will refer to him as X* (the asterisk adds a touch of class and mystery, don’t you think?)

Since the tragic Charleston shooting by Dylann Roof, a Republican with tea party sympathies, America has come together in an impressive display of unity calling for the banning of the Confederate flag. All except for one man. The now much despised X*.

X* was quoted as saying that TV Land’s decision to stop showing Dukes of Hazzards reruns because their car was called the General Lee and had a Confederate flag painted on it misses the point.

“Are people who grew up watching the show now suddenly racists?” X* said. “Come on, TV Land, can’t we all just watch TV?”

The fallout from X*’s racist comments has been swift. His manager disowned him. His agent dropped him. Warner Brothers, which produced the Dukes of Hazzard TV show announced that the show will now be known as the “Duke of Hazzard” starring only Tom Wopat. X* will be green screened out of the TV episodes. In addition their car, the General Lee, will now have a painting of Che Guevara instead of the Confederate flag.

Peter Roth, the chief executive of Warner Brothers Television said when announcing the decision, “Warner Brothers Television has always stood for two things.”

Freedom, non-smoking and crony capitalism. Well, three things apparently. We at Warner Brothers apologize for flooding the airwaves with images of the Confederate flag and only wonder that it hasn’t led to more white southerners going on killing sprees. Hopefully putting a picture of Che on the General Lee, which will be renamed the General Grant, will put a stop to racist violence in America.

President Obama praised the actions of Warner Brothers and announced his support for banning X*.

“America is a compassionate country” he said.

We stand for freedom, equality and diversity. Diversity of race, diversity in creeds and diversity of opinion. Except those opinions which my justice department has decided shall no longer be tolerated. And it should be noted that banning X* is a compassionate and peaceful thing to do. We have not killed nor harmed X*. We are only taking away his livelihood and ability to make a living.

In an emergency session Congress passed the “Banning of John X*” Act which stipulates that mentioning his name or viewing images of X* will now be punishable by fines of not less than $10,000 and/or 60 days in jail.

“It is hoped that this is just the beginning” declared majority leader Mitch McConnell.

Maybe soon even the mention of his name, the whispering of his name in conversation will be stopped by the righteous indignation of the American people. I expected more from X* seeing as he was born in Westchester county, New York, a progressive bastion, and not in the south. I have been proven bitterly wrong.

As for the object of the controversy himself, X* had this to say:

What the hell? Is everyone insane?

We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ support the banning of X* and hope that this will lead to a national discussion on the entrenched racism in America.

(640)

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7 Jul 15

My Exclusive Interview with George Takei

Oh my. Clarence Thomas is a baboon. And the Irish are apes

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure to interview one of the internet’s biggest stars, George Takei.

MI:Good afternoon George.

GT: Oh my. Please. Call me Mr. Takei. You take away my dignity by using my first name.

MI: Okay, I apologize. I didn’t mean to offend.

GT: It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to offend me. You have offended me. I am outraged. Offended.

MI: Okay, I said I was sorry. Let’s move on. You are of course best known for Star Trek. What did you do after that?

GT: That question offends me. It offends my dignity.

MI: I’m sorry but it’s a legitimate question. I’m looking at your IMDB credits and they are pretty sparse.

GT: If you must know I had trouble finding work after Star Trek.

MI: Could it possibly be because you have no talent?

[Pause]

GT: Oh my, you had to go there, didn’t you? You offend me. You offend my dignity.

MI: Let’s move. You recently called Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas a “clown in blackface.”

GT: That’s right. He’s a disgrace. He voted against legalizing gay marriage in the United States. By doing so he’s deprived me of my dignity. And that offends me.

MI: Let me get this straight, no pun intended –

GT: I don’t appreciate your stab at humor, you breeder.

MI: Because he voted against gay marriage he took away your dignity? How so?

GT: The government gives us our dignity. Without the government saying that me marrying a man is legal I have no dignity.

MI: But what about your inherent dignity as a human being?

GT: Oh my, you’re one of those? A breeder and a Christian? Oh my. You offend me and my dignity.

MI: So you contend that the government grants us our rights and dignity?

GT: Yes. All intelligent people, and by that I mean Democrats, know this to be true.

MI: But isn’t is more to the truth to say that the Constitution, rather than having government grant us rights, acknowledges rights that are preexisting and cannot be taken away?

GT: I don’t understand your point so I’m going to change the subject. Clarence Thomas is not worthy of being called a black man. He is a negro. A tar baby. A colored man waiting to be whipped and lynched by his massa.

MI: Wow. That’s pretty strong language. Some people might even say racist. Are you sure you don’t want to walk back that last statement?

GT: It’s not racist. It’s the truth. And you must be stupid to disagree with me.

MI: I’m not stupid. I’m just saying that I find it ironic that Clarence Thomas votes for the party that freed his ancestors while you vote for the party that put you in an internment camp during WW II.

GT: Oh my. You are beginning to annoy me. What is your ethnic background?

MI:What has that have to do with anything?

GT: Please, breeder, your ethnic background.

MI: I’m Irish.

GT: Just as I thought. A baboon. an ape. It’s amazing that your kind walks upright.

MI: Wait just a second –

GT:You disgust me more than the Jews, if that’s possible.

MI: Okay I’m going to end this interview now. You are starting to offend me!

GT: Oh my. Is the upright ape offended? Oh my. Get out of here you upright, apeish breeder.

MI: It’ll be my pleasure to leave.

GT: But before you go, can I give you a hand job?

MI: What?

GT: I love bears. They turn me on. Hairy apes, oh my. Oh my.

MI: Goodbye.

GT: Wait, would you like to see my penis?

And so ended my interview with the minimally talented George Takei.

(459)

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6 Jul 15

America! F*ck Ya! Yankees Beat Tampa in Extra Innings to Start July 4th Weekend!

“Hey, what is the ground doing up here at 10,000 feet?” ~ Thurman Munson

Not a Confederate flag in sight!

On a suspiciously mild (my liberal masters call it “climate change”) July 3rd Friday night in the Bronx the Yankees opened up a homestand against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (4-3 3.94) and the Rays Chris Archer (9-5 2.18). Neither pitcher figured in the decision.

Tanaka pitched serviceably, lasting six innings and giving up three runs on six hits while striking out five and walking one. But he hasn’t been the same dominant pitcher since coming back from the DL.

The Rays scored first. Designated hitter Grady Sizemore led off with a double. After a walk to Joey “How you doin’?” Butler, third baseman Evan Longoria doubled him home and Butler moved to third. James Loney then hit a sac fly that brought home Butler. 2-0 Rays after half an inning.

In the top of the 5th Kevin “I hate pigeons” Keirmaier led off with a triple. Rene Rivera then sac flied him home. 3-0 Rays after 4 1/2.

Why does Kiermaier hate pigeons? After driving in a run he was attacked by a pigeon. Hey, Noo Yawk pigeons can be pretty aggressive. Just saying. Capish?

http://www.cbssports.com/mlb/eye-on-baseball/25232840/look-kevin-kiermaier-singles-in-a-run-gets-attacked-by-a-pigeon

The score stayed 3-0 until the bottom of the eighth. After singles by Chase Headley and Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira hit a home run to right field. Tie score after eight innings.

After the Yankees blew an opportunity to win in the ninth the game went into extra innings. Would the Yankees win in dramatic fashion? Would they start selling beer again? Would Manhattan Infidel get a chance to pick up the two Australian tourists sitting next to him? The answer is yes to one of those three.

Speaking of the Australian tourists, this gave me an opportunity to tell my Australian attending a baseball game joke:

An Australian man is attending his first baseball game. He sees the first batter get a hit and run as fast as he can. The next batter also gets a hit and runs as fast as he can. The crowd is cheering and going wild. The next batter draws a walk, throws his bat down and casually walks to first base. The Australian stands up in his seat and shouts, “Run, laddie, run!” The crowd around him starts laughing and he sits down sheepishly. The man next to him decides to take pit on the poor Australian by explaining the rules of the game to him: “You see, he can’t run. He has four balls.” The Australian stands up and shouts, “Walk with pride!”

But first, Tampa had to grab the lead in the top of the 12th. The Rays scored twice in the inning. Kiermayer drove in one of those runs. 5-3 Tampa after 11 1/2

The stage was set for the bottom of the 12th. Teixeira single home Brett Gardner. Then Brian “The Man Can” McCann ended the game with a monster blast to right field, scoring Gregorio Petit and Teixeira.

Final score: Yankees 7 Tampa 5. Chasen Shreve (6-1 1.87) got the win in relief for the Yanks and Steve Getz (1-4 3.76) was charged with the loss for Tampa.

Notes on the game:

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was at the game. Why? I don’t know and I don’t give a damn. What? I said I don’t give a damn! Oh, he’s our shortstop! (Tip of the hat to Abbott and Costello)

Last night was Budweiser Yankee hat night at the Stadium. The first 18,000 fans in attendance were given a Yankee cap courtesy of Budweiser beer. The Yankees value their partnership with Budweiser and want to thank alcoholics everywhere. What about the fans who showed up after the first 18,000? They were given cirrhotic livers.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “As cool as the pale wet leaves of lily-of-the-valley She lay beside me in the dawn” didn’t fire up the crowd. In fact I was arrested for potential sexual harassment.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I own a landscaping business. It’s just an excuse to kill pigeons.”

Hey, how about a trigger warning before you talk about killing birds?

L.T. of New York writes, “My love is like a pigeon. It’s dirty. Very, very dirty. Filthy. Dirty. Naughty. Oh so naughty.”

I am a man and I don’t have to stand for this type of harassment! At least not until I’ve had a few pints.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I like to break the necks of pigeons and then eat them raw.”

Well, at least you’re not writing about what your burying in your back yard anymore.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I work for an international accounting firm. You could say my job is like a pigeon. I fly around and shit on people. What? No I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”

National Organization for Women Lauds ISIS For Its Role in Promoting Female Equality

ISIS respects women! Not like those nasty Christians!

The National Organization for Women announced today that it is giving its annual “Profiles in Courage” award to the Islamic group ISIS.

“Many are surprised by this” said NOW’s president Terry O’Neill.

After all, what would an American organization devoted to equality for women have anything to do with a group from the middle east that has absolutely nothing to do with Islam, no matter what Republicans may say. It’s simple really. ISIS is a group that opposes what we oppose: The white male christian patriarchy. Being on the front lines for equality as long as we have we are naturally attuned to those who share our beliefs. And when we heard that ISIS, which again I must stress has nothing to do with Islam, was beheading women, we rejoiced. Not so much in the beheading but in the fact that the status of women in the middle east has risen to such a degree that they are now considered worthy of being beheaded by an organization that has nothing to do with Islam. We at NOW support ISIS in its struggle against conservatives. We salute them and we look forward to many years of fighting the good fight together.

Before introducing a representative from ISIS to accept the award, O’Neill took time to laud the two escaped inmates Richard Matt and David Sweat from upstate New York.

Richard could not be here himself, having been killed by a representative of the patriarchy. David is recuperating in a hospital having also been shot. We wish David the best on his recovery. These two inmates helped advance the cause of marriage equality by having sex with the same married prison guard. NOW can only applaud the fact that they are not bound by the conventional restraints of bourgeois sexuality. And we decry the senseless acts of violence committed in the name of the law against these two gentle convicted murderers.

It was then time for the award to be presented. A representative from ISIS, dressed in boots, fatigues and a balaclava accepted the award and approached the microphone to make his acceptance speech.

“Allah Akbar!” he screamed. “Allah Akbar!”

“Ollie who?” asked a startled O’Neill. “Ollie Hardy? Is he a Laurel and Hardy fan? Oh I love them!”

The ISIS representative then produced a scimitar and grabbed O’Neill by her hair.

“Oh, is this some tomfoolery? I heard you guys like slapstick” said O’Neill.

As those in attendance watched, he started cutting through the neck of the NOW president.

Ever committed to the cause of equality, O’Neill did not complain as the blade sliced through her neck. Before her vocal cords were severed she managed to say, “Do it! Deeper! Deeper!”

After severing her head and holding it up, the ISIS representative, and again I must remind my readers that ISIS has nothing to do with Islam, announced that the infidel was dead and ran from the room.

Authorities have blamed the beheading of O’Neill on Christian fundamentalists and have named New York’s Archbishop Timothy Dolan as a person of interest.

(339)

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1 Jul 15

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: U.S. Sells California to Mexico

The new Northern Province of Mexico

Dateline 2019

In a historic deal, President Bernie Sanders (pictured here)

Socialism is my sanity

sold the state of California to Mexico for the price of our entire national debt.

“This is a great day” declared the president.

In one fell swoop my administration has committed an act of long-overdue social justice and, for the sake of conservatives, eliminated our national debt. By selling California to Mexico we have rectified an injustice committed by this racist country when we took it from Mexico in the first place. Also, on a practical level, since most of the population of Mexico already lives in California we are just acknowledging a fact. And, as I previously stated, Mexico will be paying a lot of money, which I insisted they pay us in Euros, that will eliminate our debt and make right wing white Christian conservatives happy. I want to say thank you to the former United States citizens in California and I thank them for their service.

As for how Mexico will come up with the 18 trillion dollar price for California, the President of Mexico (pictured here)

Ay Carumba!

vows to use the proceeds gathered from Mexico’s many drug cartels and selling photos of Selma Hayek in the shower.

The majority of California residents support the change in ownership.

“Why would I want to be known as an American” declared San Francisco mayor Ed Lee “When I can be known as a Mexican. As long as the Mexicans don’t come to San Francisco that is. We have rules here.”

The Governor of California, former actress Rose McGowan (pictured here)

STOP OBJECTIFYING ME!

expressed delight at the events.

Mexico is a country. It is to our south. But now that we are part of Mexico it will no longer be to the south of us. At least that’s what my advisers tell me. And Mexico is filled with Mexicans. And Mexicans are peoples of color, which means they love peace and live in harmony with nature. And I for one and proud to be associated with people who used to be on our south who love peace and live in harmony with nature. Now finally that we are part of a peace loving nation people will stop objectifying me. Hollywood is very racist and the white men who run it like to objectify me. Stop looking at me!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU WHITE RAPIST!

The deal was not without its opponents, many whom worried that their car insurance will rise.

“I know stereotypes are bad” said one person who wished to remain anonymous. “But Mexicans can’t drive for shit. Seriously.”

Mexico is expected to take full possession of California sometime after the 2020 election.

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Breaking new Breaking news Breaking news Breaking new Breaking news

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The governor of California, Rose McGowan has accused the blogger Manhattan Infidel of objectifying her.

“I am a serious actress and stop looking at my body. This objectification of the female form must stop!”

THIS MY MY BODY! AND YOU CANT’ LOOK AT IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!

SEE MY SILKY SMOOTH SKIN? NOW DON’T LOOK AT IT!

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The blogger known as Manhattan Infidel is suing California governor Rose McGowan for not objectifying his body.

“Come on! Just touch it bitch!” he said in the deposition.

(432)

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30 Jun 15

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: Official Catholic Church Established in United States

A former symbol of hate which will now be inclusive

Dateline 2019

President Elizabeth Warren, with Vice President Nancy Pelosi by her side, signed into law the “Catholic Reconstruction Act of 2019.”

Under this bill, the Catholic Church in America will no longer be run from Rome but instead the President will have the power to appoint bishops and declare “true and progressive doctrine.”

“This is a compassionate day for America” declared President Warren. “And it gives me great joy to sign this bill into law.”

Under the provisions of the bill, all self-identified priests, religious and bishops in the United States will have thirty days to sign a loyalty oath to the Federal government, stating that they believe “all that the holy Democratic Party believes.”

All church property will be turned over to the United States. Bishops and priests refusing to sign the loyalty oath will have to vacate their rectories and will be fined $10,000 per day until they comply.

Under the bill the Vice President will be named the “Chief Theological Officer” of the New Official Catholic Church of America.

“I am quite excited about my new role” said Pelosi.

I look forward to taking the new Church into a more mainstream, more progressive direction that all Americans can be proud of. For too long we have let this anti-American and outdated institution preach hatred and divisiveness. Judgment? Sin? Anti-LGBT rhetoric? These will now become things of the past. Homosexuals will be able to worship and follow their conscience without being condemned by the celibate white men of the old Catholic Church.

President Warren and Vice President Pelosi then introduced former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell who will be installed at the new Archbishop of New York.

O’Donnell thanked the two and announced that she and her wife look forward to serving the people of the Archdiocese and announced that she is teaming with NBC to move the Gay Pride parade to March 17th.

“St. Patrick’s day is just an excuse for conservatives to drink” said O’Donnell.

By working with my corporate partners at NBC to have the Gay Pride parade on St. Patrick’s day we will be replacing drunk, white, hate-filled conservative men with a beautiful display of LGBT diversity. Soon Fifth Avenue will be known as the gayest street in the world!

The possibility that the bishops of the old church would resist the changes has been greatly reduced through the help of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops who released a statement promising to work with the government to find a peaceful resolution.

The most Reverend Joseph E. Kurtz of Louisville, president of the USCCB announced that as a “good faith” measure he will be moving out of his bishop’s residence to allow President Warren to name his successor.

In the interests of peace and progressiveness I will be stepping aside. I will welcome my successor whomever he, she or both may be. I ask conservatives in the laity to refrain from acts of violence. There are many positive things to be said about the New Catholic Church and I pledge to work with them to move America forward into a new compassionate direction.

Polls show that the overwhelming majority of laity support the bill establishing the new Catholic Church.

“I go to mass on Sunday to feel good about myself” said one.

How can I do that if the priest insists on talking about sin and judgement. With the new church I can still socialize for an hour on Sunday morning and it will be done in a non-judgmental atmosphere. I’m sure Jesus would approve of the new church as well.

With support from the laity and with many dioceses unable to afford the ruinous fines, many expect the old church to eventually die away after a few years.

“We got them right where we want them” said President Warren. “Once you have them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.”

(232)

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29 Jun 15

Supreme Court Declares Love to be Groovy

The Supreme Court justices who authored the gay marriage ruling celebrate

By a 5-4 decision on Friday the Supreme Court of the United States declared “love to be groovy, baby.”

Justice Kennedy (pictured here),

Love is groovier than a grilled cheese sandwich baby

opined in the majority opinion that “Changed understandings of marriage are characteristic of a Nation where new dimensions of freedom become apparent to new generations. You dig, baby!”

The court also found that “no union, except perhaps the Grateful Dead, The Beatles, or Cream (Clapton is God!), is more profound that marriage. I’ve married to my old lady for years now, dig it man. We are one soul beating in two hearts. Marriage embodies the highest ideals of love.”

Marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. Dude, speaking of which I dropped some acid last night and I saw my grandmother. She’s been dead for years but I still love her. The hope of gay people is not be condemned to live in loneliness. You know I had a really bad trip once at a New Riders of the Purple Sage concert. I was so alone! I cried. My friends had to talk me down. So yeah, I know what loneliness is. All gays want is equal dignity dude. And that’s beautiful. Beautiful. Of course I don’t think the “Herberts” on the bench appreciate the majority decision but they are unhip. Herberts. Every last one of them.

Editor’s Note: By way of explanation, a “Herbert” is a person notorious for rigid and limited patterns of thought. But perhaps this behind the scenes video footage of Justice Kennedy taunting Justice Scalia by repeatedly calling him Herbert will better explain:

Herbert!

Of course the decision revealed the great divide in the court between the progressive, Non-Herbert wing and the reactionary Herbert wing.

The Herbert wing, led by Justices Scalia and Roberts (pictured here)

The Herbert wing of the court doesn’t know what the hell they are talking about!

responded that the decision of the Herberts was “pretentious” and full of “silly extravagances.”

“These damn hippies don’t know what they are talking about” griped Scalia.

I say cut their hair and give them all a bath. They stink up the court and the constant pot smoking is affecting my breathing. It’s bad enough Kennedy keeps playing his bongos all day while Ginsberg dances naked. Believe me. I could have gone my entire life without seeing that. And I wish they’d stop chanting “Herbert” every time they see me.

Despite the deep differences between the two wings, the justices vow to work together in the future as long as each wing has separate bathrooms.

“Hippies bring flies. And god knows what germs the toilet bowls have after they plant their ass cheeks on them” said Justice Clarence Thomas.

(298)

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Manhattan Infidel

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From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: U.S. Sells California to Mexico

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: Official Catholic Church Established in United States

Supreme Court Declares Love to be Groovy

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Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.

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