America! F*ck Ya! Yankees Beat Tampa in Extra Innings to Start July 4th Weekend!

“Hey, what is the ground doing up here at 10,000 feet?” ~ Thurman Munson

Not a Confederate flag in sight!

Not a Confederate flag in sight!

On a suspiciously mild (my liberal masters call it “climate change”) July 3rd Friday night in the Bronx the Yankees opened up a homestand against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays.

The Yankees started Masahiro Tanaka (4-3 3.94) and the Rays Chris Archer (9-5 2.18). Neither pitcher figured in the decision.

Tanaka pitched serviceably, lasting six innings and giving up three runs on six hits while striking out five and walking one. But he hasn’t been the same dominant pitcher since coming back from the DL.

The Rays scored first.  Designated hitter Grady Sizemore led off with a double.  After a walk to Joey “How you doin’?” Butler, third baseman Evan Longoria doubled him home and Butler moved to third.  James Loney then hit a sac fly that brought home Butler.  2-0 Rays after half an inning.

In the top of the 5th Kevin “I hate pigeons” Keirmaier led off with a triple.  Rene Rivera then sac flied him home.  3-0 Rays after 4 1/2.

Why does Kiermaier hate pigeons?  After driving in a run he was attacked by a pigeon. Hey, Noo Yawk pigeons can be pretty aggressive.  Just saying.  Capish?

The score stayed 3-0 until the bottom of the eighth.  After singles by Chase Headley and Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira hit a home run to right field.  Tie score after eight innings.

After the Yankees blew an opportunity to win in the ninth the game went into extra innings. Would the Yankees win in dramatic fashion?  Would they start selling beer again?  Would Manhattan Infidel get a chance to pick up the two Australian tourists sitting next to him?  The answer is yes to one of those three.

Speaking of the Australian tourists, this gave me an opportunity to tell my Australian attending a baseball game joke:

An Australian man is attending his first baseball game. He sees the first batter get a hit and run as fast as he can.  The next batter also gets a hit and runs as fast as he can.  The crowd is cheering and going wild.  The next batter draws a walk, throws his bat down and casually walks to first base.  The Australian stands up in his seat and shouts, “Run, laddie, run!”  The crowd around him starts laughing and he sits down sheepishly.  The man next to him decides to take pit on the poor Australian by explaining the rules of the game to him: “You see, he can’t run.  He has four balls.” The Australian stands up and shouts, “Walk with pride!”

But first, Tampa had to grab the lead in the top of the 12th.  The Rays scored twice in the inning.  Kiermayer drove in one of those runs.  5-3 Tampa after 11 1/2

The stage was set for the bottom of the 12th.  Teixeira single home Brett Gardner.  Then Brian “The Man Can” McCann ended the game with a monster blast to right field, scoring Gregorio Petit and Teixeira.

Final score:  Yankees 7 Tampa 5.  Chasen Shreve (6-1 1.87) got the win in relief for the Yanks and Steve Getz (1-4 3.76) was charged with the loss for Tampa.

Notes on the game:

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was at the game.  Why?  I don’t know and I don’t give a damn. What?  I said I don’t give a damn! Oh, he’s our shortstop!  (Tip of the hat to Abbott and Costello)

Last night was Budweiser Yankee hat night at the Stadium.  The first 18,000 fans in attendance were given a Yankee cap courtesy of Budweiser beer.  The Yankees value their partnership with Budweiser and want to thank alcoholics everywhere.  What about the fans who showed up after the first 18,000? They were given cirrhotic livers.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “As cool as the pale wet leaves of lily-of-the-valley She lay beside me in the dawn” didn’t fire up the crowd.  In fact I was arrested for potential sexual harassment.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I own a landscaping business.  It’s just an excuse to kill pigeons.”

Hey, how about a trigger warning before you talk about killing birds?

L.T. of New York writes, “My love is like a pigeon.  It’s dirty. Very, very dirty.  Filthy.  Dirty. Naughty. Oh so naughty.”

I am a man and I don’t have to stand for this type of harassment!  At least not until I’ve had a few pints.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I like to break the necks of pigeons and then eat them raw.”

Well, at least you’re not writing about what your burying in your back yard anymore.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I work for an international accounting firm.  You could say my job is like a pigeon. I fly around and shit on people.  What?  No I’m not insane.  My mother had me tested.”

Recommended reading material:

“I want to wear black face and wrap myself in a Confederate flag while giving Clarence Thomas a blow job” by George Takei.  Actually there is no such book as that.  But there should be.

And so my record this year stands at 4-2.  My next game is Wednesday July 8th against the Oakland Athletics.

Go Yankees!



5 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Oscar, Felix and the Pigeon sisters…aah the memories.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I’ve always wondered why a happily married gay couple (though at the time not recognized at married) like Felix and Oscar would want with the Pigeon sisters.

  2. innominatus says:

    MLB network showed this game. The YES announcers were pretty funny when Kiermaier hit the deck after the pigeon attack

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      The best part about going to Yankee Stadium for me is not having to listen to the YES announcers who, with the exception of Ken Singleton are all horrible. David Cone, Captain Obvious, is the worst.

  3. petermc3 says:

    No one was or is worse than Tim McCarver. Some years back coming down from a luxury box in the elevator with him we told him what a great job he did and our noses began to grow.

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