From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: Official Catholic Church Established in United States

A former symbol of hate which will now be inclusive

A former symbol of hate which will now be inclusive

Dateline 2019

President Elizabeth Warren, with Vice President Nancy Pelosi by her side, signed into law the “Catholic Reconstruction Act of 2019.”

Under this bill, the Catholic Church in America will no longer be run from Rome but instead the President will have the power to appoint bishops and declare “true and progressive doctrine.”

“This is a compassionate day for America” declared President Warren. “And it gives me great joy to sign this bill into law.”

Under the provisions of the bill, all self-identified priests, religious and bishops in the United States will have thirty days to sign a loyalty oath to the Federal government, stating that they believe “all that the holy Democratic Party believes.”

All church property will be turned over to the United States.  Bishops and priests refusing to sign the loyalty oath will have to vacate their rectories and will be fined $10,000 per day until they comply.

Under the bill the Vice President will be named the “Chief Theological Officer” of the New Official Catholic Church of America.

“I am quite excited about my new role” said Pelosi.

I look forward to taking the new Church into a more mainstream, more progressive direction that all Americans can be proud of. For too long we have let this anti-American and outdated institution preach hatred and divisiveness.  Judgment?  Sin? Anti-LGBT rhetoric? These will now become things of the past.  Homosexuals will be able to worship and follow their conscience without being condemned by the celibate white men of the old Catholic Church.

President Warren and Vice President Pelosi then introduced former talk show host Rosie O’Donnell who will be installed at the new Archbishop of New York.

O’Donnell thanked the two and announced that she and her wife look forward to serving the people of the Archdiocese and announced that she is teaming with NBC to move the Gay Pride parade to March 17th.

“St. Patrick’s day is just an excuse for conservatives to drink” said O’Donnell.

By working with my corporate partners at NBC to have the Gay Pride parade on St. Patrick’s day we will be replacing drunk, white, hate-filled conservative men with a beautiful display of LGBT diversity.  Soon Fifth Avenue will be known as the gayest street in the world!

The possibility that the bishops of the old church would resist the changes has been greatly reduced through the help of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops who released a statement promising to work with the government to find a peaceful resolution.

The most Reverend Joseph E. Kurtz of Louisville, president of the USCCB announced  that as a “good faith” measure he will be moving out of his bishop’s residence to allow President Warren to name his successor.

In the interests of peace and progressiveness I will be stepping aside. I will welcome my successor whomever he, she or both may be.  I ask conservatives in the laity to refrain from acts of violence. There are many positive things to be said about the New Catholic Church and I pledge to work with them to move America forward into a new compassionate direction.

Polls show that the overwhelming majority of laity support the bill establishing the new Catholic Church.

“I go to mass on Sunday to feel good about myself” said one.

How can I do that if the priest insists on talking about sin and judgement. With the new church I can still socialize for an hour on Sunday morning and it will be done in a non-judgmental atmosphere.  I’m sure Jesus would approve of the new church as well.

With support from the laity and with many dioceses unable to afford the ruinous fines, many expect the old church to eventually die away after a few years.

“We got them right where we want them” said President Warren.  “Once you have them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.”



2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    First they came for the Catholics and we did nothing thing then they came for the Episcopalians…

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