27 Jul 15

Planned Parenthood Opens Restaurant

Our less crunchy entrees are gluten free!

Our less crunchy entrees are gluten free!

Planned Parenthood has opened up a flagship restaurant in New York City that it hopes will be the first of many for the organization.

“This is a great day for our organization.  This is a great day for women” declared the organization’s president, Cecile Richards.

Our organization has provided reproductive health services for women for over 80 years.  A large part of that is abortion.  Previously aborted fetuses were simply tossed in the trash.  This is a waste and it leads to global warming. So we began to think about what to do with our aborted fetuses and it occurred to us that many of these baby parts make for delicious eating. And so that brings us to this moment.

Richards then cut a ribbon officially opening the restaurant, called “Deep Fried Woman’s Choice.”

While we do cater to the fast food clientele with a selection of baby fingers, baby wings, baby sticks and baby burgers a lot of our menu is quite healthy.  For instance some of our less crunchy baby parts are gluten free. So a woman who suffers from allergies doesn’t have to worry about an allergic reaction.  She can eat here conscience free!

Deep Fried Woman’s Choice will also offer salads for those worried about their weight.

Many internal organs, if properly prepared with a selection of condiments and spices, make excellent salads.  The natural pulpy texture of these organs often mimic the feel of tomatoes. Other internal organs will be crushed to produce our own salad dressing which we hope to market online.  Thousand Island Baby Parts and Ranch Baby Parts will be an excellent addition to any modern, progressive woman’s kitchen. Just tell your maid to sprinkle the dressing liberally.

The dessert menu will feature brains.

Most of our fetuses have fully developed brains.  These can be cooked in any number of ways.  Steamed, fried, boiled.  No matter how you make it they are a delicious end to the meal.  We even serve the brains on their own skulls.  We simply invert the skull, and after cleaning off stray hair or neurons place the brains in the skull.  The skulls themselves can be eaten.  Admittedly the skulls are crunchy and not for everyone but for those brave enough to try them we feel it will become a lifetime habit.

After showcasing their menu Richards then introduced popular actress Lena Dunham from the hit TV show “Girls” who will star in a series of commercials for Deep Fried Woman’s Choice.

“It is important for this restaurant to succeed” said Dunham.

It is an important, progressive restaurant with important progressive food. People will want to eat here because it will make them feel like good people.  And I will personally blow any man who eats here! 

I will blow you!

I will blow you!

“You heard it here first” exclaimed Richards.  “Men, Lena will blow you.  And if that doesn’t make you want to eat here I don’t know what will!”

Sadly Deep Fried Woman’s Choice has no plans to deliver.

(295)

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24 Jul 15

Neighborhood Home Association Asks Aquaman to Leave

Aquaman will no longer be able to use the local pools

Aquaman will no longer be able to use the local pools

The  home association of the 300 block of Elm Street has asked Aquaman to leave their neighborhood as soon as possible.  They have also sought an injunction to stop the marine superhero from swimming in their pools.

“Look none of us are racist” said the Association president.

But Aquaman is, well, different than the rest of us. When he first showed up and started swimming in our pools we didn’t want to make a big deal about it.  We’re a tolerant bunch. We don’t mind hosting illegal aliens.  Our neighborhood block association prides itself on being a sanctuary home association. But he overstayed his welcome.  All  he does now is sit in the bottom of our pools and sulk. And factor in that he also goes to the bathroom in our pools.  The occasional kid relieving himself we’re used to.  But, how should I put this?  Aquaman does an awful lot of number two’s.  Clogs up the filters.  It’s, it’s really gross.  

The home association is also concerned that Aquaman’s intentions towards their daughters was less than honorable.

When Aquaman invited my daughter into the pool for a so-called “wet hump” I started to grown concerned.  I support gay marriage and alternate lifestyles.  As long as it’s not my daughter you understand.

Aquaman’s ability to make telepathic suggestions to other creatures caused additional friction.

“I was sitting at home one day after work drinking a beer” said one resident.

When all of a sudden I got these telepathic thoughts in my mind.  “Bring all your beer to Aquaman” it said.  I was overcome with a desire to bring the case of beer I bought with my hard-earned money and give it to that freeloader. If that wasn’t bad enough he also telepathically told me to “take out your member and wave it at the police car.”  I was tasered and spent the weekend in jail. I f*cking hate Aquaman and want him to leave as soon as possible.

Aquaman’s swimming ability got under the skin of many residents.

We used to hold swimming competitions during the summer.  Just for fun.  No one took it too seriously.  But this Aquaman fellow can swim at speeds of 7000 miles per hour. So he beat us every time.  And he liked trash talking and rubbing it in.One time after beating me he yelled “I guess the only thing you’re fast at is finishing in the bedroom!”  He said that right in front of my wife and kids. I was humiliated. He said it was all good fun and that’s what his people do.  I don’t care. We have our own ways here and we don’t trash talk like that.

Finally after an incident where some of the children almost drowned in a contest with Aquaman to see who could hold their breath under water the longest the home association voted to expel the marine superhero.

We don’t like to make judgments here.  This is an inclusive neighborhood. But Aquaman’s just a f*cking jerk. None of us will be sorry to see him go.

As for Aquaman he blames the unanimous vote to expel him on “cultural misunderstanding with the dry feet humans.”

“I’ve learned from my mistakes” he said.  “From now on I will be more sensitive to the feelings of the dry feet.  As long as they don’t ask me how I lost my left hand.  It’s a freaking cybernetic retractable hook.  Stop staring at it!”

(205)

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23 Jul 15

History’s Greatest Monster Sworn in as President

No college degree no justice!

No college degree no justice!

You know what they say about the number five?  All good things come in fives.  Actually that’s just stupid.  No one has ever said that. Ever.  However it is time for the fifth installment of my 2017 presidential inaugural addresses series.  This time it’s Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Or, as I like to call him:  History’s greatest monster.  The man has no college degree. And that proves he’s stupid.  The science is settled on this.

Security was tight at the Capitol as a group calling itself “College graduates for social justice and college degrees” threatened to disrupt the swearing in rather than see an unlettered man as President.

My fellow Americans.  I am proud to stand before you today, the 45th President of this great country. Our nation faces many challenges ahead.  A nuclear Iran threatens stability in the middle east.  China is threatening to expand in the far east. Our nation is heavily in debt.  We must respond to all these challenges –

It was at this point that college graduates for social justice and college degrees interrupted President Walker’s speech.

Carrying signs that said “You’re stupid” and “Only stupid people don’t go to college” they climbed onto the podium and grabbed the microphone.

Secret Service were about to arrest the group when President Walker signaled that the protesters should have their chance to speak.

“Americans wake up!” shouted their leader.

This man you have elected President is not one of us!  He never graduated college! Do you know what that means?  He has never gotten a degree in racial studies or transgender studies. He has never become a professional like us. He is not familiar with the bureaucratic branch of our government.  How can an unlettered  man like this lead our bureaucracy? How can he appreciate the benefits of EPA self-regulation? Everyone in the EPA has graduated college.  This proves they know how best to lead people like Walker.  People who are too stupid to attain a college degree. The EPA, and indeed all Federal agencies such as the Fish and Wildlife Service, the IRS, the Department of Education and all agencies with SWAT teams are staffed by professionals with college degrees.  These people know what’s in the best interests of the common man. And as for the SWAT teams, well sometimes the common man doesn’t appreciate what the government does for them and they have to act.

The group then unfurled a banner that read “America:  Run by professionals forever.  Those without degrees never!”

Our allies wanted us to make a powerful statement.  A statement that said how attached we, as professionals are, to our positions as the rulers of America.  We thought of perhaps bombing the inauguration. But as college educated men and women we decided to do what we do best:  Write a strongly worded protest.  And that’s what we have done  What have you got to say for yourself Walker?  Why didn’t you graduate college?

President Walker then took the microphone and uttered his rebuttal.

“I had a job.”

With that the College graduates for social justice and college degrees ceded the podium but not before complaining that President Walker could have at least given them a trigger warning before telling them that he was employed as a capitalist.

“Not only is he not a professional but he’s one of them!’ could be heard as the group left the stage.

(206)

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22 Jul 15

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. Travels to Rome to Talk About Climate Change

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is concerned about sea levels

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is concerned about sea levels

Warren Wilhelm Jr., the freakishly tall, massively unpopular mayor of New York City, traveled to Rome this week to address the number one threat facing New Yorkers:  squeegee men rising crime rates lack of affordable housing high taxes  global warming climate change.

Addressing assembled governors and mayors from around the world, Wilhelm Jr. talked about how he would stop global warming climate change.

“Every day ordinary New Yorkers walk up to me and say, ‘Mr. Mayor’ my windshield was broken by a squeegee man” began Wilhelm Jr.

And by ordinary New Yorkers I mean my security detail and my chauffeur.  Mister Mayor, how can we stop our windshields from being smashed by these panhandlers.  Now let us address the root cause of squeegee men which is, of course, rising sea levels. And let us address the root cause of rising sea levels which is, of course, climate change. And let us address the root cause of climate change which is, of course, humans.  Some might say the Sun.  But what can we say to such people but scoff at them. The sun is over 93 million miles away. Really to expect it to have much affect on our climate is outrageous.  No.  It is people and only people who change our planet’s climate.

Now back to the shattered windshield. Can it not be said that the squeegee man shattered it out of a feeling of helplessness as he watches mother Earth’s temperatures rise? Yes, helplessness.  And out of this feeling of helplessness he attacked the cause of rising sea levels:  the racist internal combustion engine. Cars emit toxic fumes which get into our atmosphere and raise the temperature of the Earth.  And who drives these racist internal combustion engines?  The white man of course.  I am announcing now that when I get back to New York I will ban internal combustion engines from my city.

Of course as mayor I will need a car.  But it’s for official purposes only.  Yes, my conscience is conflicted on this.  Hopefully one day the future mayor of New York will no long have to rely on the internal combustion engine to get around town.  If only there were some form of public transportation in New York.

People tell me there is a subway but I’ve never ridden in it. My chauffeur says he doesn’t know how to drive a subway car. And besides only the working class rides subways.  It is beneath me.

To sum up: Once the internal combustion engine is banned in New York City our sea levels will recede and the homeless can go back to writing poetry instead of breaking windshields. Crime will become nonexistent as former criminals, no longer goaded by the racist internal combustion engine, will become productive citizens.

In short, once I implement my plan, which I have codenamed “Operation Sandinista” a socialist workers paradise will become reality.

All will look to New York as an example.  No crime.  Receding ocean levels. Paradise.  And once the class structure is eliminated all worker comrades will live together in harmony. There will be no need for jobs. No capitalism. No class warfare.  And I will lead my fellow New Yorkers into this paradise.

As Wilhelm Jr. finished his speech he agreed to take one question from the audience.

“Are you f*cking insane?” asked an audience member.

“Yes” replied the mayor.  “But I am insane with the love of socialism.”

The mayor and his security detail then left in their limos for the ride to the airport.  During the ride Wilhelm Jr.’s speeding chauffer ran over 13 Italians.

“That’s 13 people who wont’ be contributing to climate change” exclaimed the mayor.

(252)

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21 Jul 15

Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Chattanooga Shooting Motives Template™

This obviously a white christian of northern European origin

This is obviously a white christian of northern European origin

Once again the scourge of gun violence has stricken America. The nation reeled after an attack at a military recruiting station in Chattanooga, Tennessee left five dead. Having had a couple days to reflect upon the events and not wishing to engage in a rush to judgment I now present the Chattanooga Shooting Motives Template.™

There has been a mass shooting that left five dead.  How should I react?

  • With sadness. This is a horrible, horrible tragedy
  • Anger.  Why does this always happen in America?
  • Remain calm and try to get all the facts
  • Blame Republicans

The shooter was Muhammed Youssef Abdulazeez.  This tells us

  • He was probably Muslim
  • That’s racist!
  • We can infer nothing from this shooter’s name
  • I bet he had Confederate flags at his house

You’re probably right about the Confederate flags

  • I know!  Why are white people such violent racists?
  • I hate right wing Republicans like Muhammed Youssef Abdulazeez!
  • I bet he was probably a Christian fanatic!
  • He probably wanted to reinstate slavery.  White people all want to

What can we do to ensure that this never happens again?

  • Ban guns
  • Ban all images of the Confederate flag
  • Ban the words “confederate” and “gun.”
  • Ban Christianity (the religion of war!)

Fox News is reporting that the gunman is Muslim

  • Consider the source.  Fox News is racist!
  • This is so patently false.  The shooter obviously was a Christian who loved the Confederate flag
  • Even if he turns out to be Muslim let’s consider the legitimate historical grievances Muslims have against the west.
  • Ban Fox news!

I don’t want to rush to judgment but we know he’s a tea partier!

  • That makes sense. After all, the tea party is racist and hates black people.
  • The tea party disgusts me. They should be rounded up!
  • We need concentration camps to put the tea party in!
  • Ban the tea party!

All this violence makes me want to convert to Islam

  • That’s logical.  It is the religion of peace after all
  • 9/11 was an inside job.  Fire does not melt steel!
  • We need to genitally mutilate our women so they don’t grow up to be wild American women
  • I like goats

 

May this handy template help my readers make sense of this tragedy.

(200)

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20 Jul 15

Yankees Beat Constitutional Monarch Felix and the Mariners; Manhattan Infidel Wears Pants

“I’m insulted!” ~ Robinson Cano

How hot was it? Nelson Cruz's HGH melted.

How hot was it? Nelson Cruz’s HGH melted.

On a blazingly hot 97 degree day in the Bronx caused by global warming climate change f*cking summer the Yankees battled the Seattle Mariners to a 2-1 victory.

It was CC Sabathia (4-8 5.25) against Constitutional Monarch Felix Hernandez (11-5 2.77).  It was the pitchers’ duel I had hoped for.  Both went six innings.  CC gave up one run on six hits while walking one and striking out seven (two looking) and Constitutional Monarch Hernandez allowed one run on five hits while walking three and striking out five (three looking.)  Neither figured in the decision.

It was scoreless until the top of the fifth.  Jesus “I eatta the donuts” Montero and Chris Taylor singled to begin the inning. After Mike Zunino sacrifice bunted out 1-2 to advance the runners Austin Jackson hit a 1-2 pitch for a single to score Jesus. (I always thought “Jesus Scores!” would be great headline,)  Would this be the inning the wheels fall off for CC?  Fortunately he got out of the inning with only one run by striking out the next two batters, Kyle Seeger and Robinson “I’m insulted” Cano.

1-0 Seattle after 4 1/2.

The Yankees tied it in the bottom of the sixth. Brett Gardner led off with a walk. After AROD struck out looking Teixeira singled allowing Gardner to move to third. Brian McCann then struck out swinging.  Carlos Beltran then hit a 1-0 single driving in Gardner.

1-1 after six innings.

Now in the old days of baseball both pitchers would be left in to finish the wonderful pitchers’ duel. But as this is the modern game (“Thou shalt not allow thy starting pitcher to start the seventh. It is an abomination to the Lord”) the bullpen was left to finish it out.

As it was 97 degrees and I was burning to a toasty crisp I debated whether to stay if it went into extra innings.  It’s an under-reported phenomenon but every year dozens of Irish explode when exposed to direct sunlight.

Fortunately Mark Teixeira came to the rescue and on a 1-2 pitch homered to right field. 2-1 Yankees after eight.

Closer extraordinaire Andrew Miller struck out two in a one-two-three ninth to record his 20th save as the Yankees beat the Mariners.

Notes on the game:

This was the hottest, most humid day in an otherwise mild summer. I of course was going to wear shorts.  However as I was putting them on the zipper busted.  I was forced to wear pants to Yankee Stadium as this photo shows.

Due to a court order I am not forced to wear pants in strip clubs.

Due to a court order I am forced to wear pants in strip clubs.

Now I know what you are saying. Manhattan Infidel.  I am sure you are used to walking around with your zipper down. Yes. But only in schoolyards and strip clubs.

Today’s game featured four ex-Yankees playing for Seattle.  Vidal Nuno who pitched 1 1/3 innings of relief for Seattle.  Jesus “I eatta the donuts and whatever you have” Montero who the Yankees traded for Michael Pineda, Austin Jackson who was traded for Curtis Granderson and of course Robinson “I’m insulted” Cano who was so insulted by the Yankees seven-year 189 million dollar offer he had to go to Seattle.  And he’s doing fantastic at Seattle (cough cough) in the second year of his ten-year deal.  I wonder what the over/under is on Cano finishing his ten years at Seattle.  I’ll have to ask my bookie.

It was Satan day at the Stadium.  Satan is the official angel of the Yankees.  The Yankees value their relationship with Satan and the first 18,000 fans in attendance were personally told by Satan that they will never amount to anything and they should just give up now.  While the message was a little rough it’s important that the kids know it while they are still young.

I refuse to call Felix Hernandez by his nickname of King Felix.  I fear he would use this power against the people.  Hopefully my new nickname of Constitutional Monarch Felix will catch on and he will be reminded that absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Or maybe he’s too busy having sex with groupies to care.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of

The dreams clash

and are shattered

I have tried to write paradise

Do not move

Let the wind speak

That is paradise

Let the gods forgive what I

have made

Let those I love

try to forgive what I have made

once again didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps I should try some new heckles.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I run a small business and I can’t wait to pay a fine for not buying insurance.”

That’s just racist. You hate Obama because he’s black!

L.T. of New York writes, “You are being too hard on A.P.  There is such a thing as principled opposition to President Obama.”

Racist!  I have called you a racist.  Therefore the debate is over.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “It’s a hot day.  I’m relaxing in my pool in my back yard.”

Racist!

L.K. of New Jersey also writes, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Your white privilege disgusts me.

Recommended reading material:

“Your 189 million dollar seven-year deal insults me and I like whores” by Robinson Cano.

Actually there is no book like that.  But there should be.

My record stands at 6-2 this year.  My next game is Tuesday August 4th against the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack!

Go Yankees!

(288)

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17 Jul 15

Most Courageous Person Ever Accepts Most Important Award Ever!

Courage! Thy name is Caitlyn.

Courage! Thy name is Caitlyn.

Caitlyn Jenner, by all accounts the most courageous person the world has ever seen, accepted the Arthur Ashe Courage Award to the delight and acclaim of the packed crowed at the ESPN ESPY Awards ceremony.

Wearing a Versace dress that showed off his firm, yet supple breasts, Caitlyn strode to the stage to accept the award looking for all the world like a man without a care in the world.  His speech left many in attendance in tears.  As a service to my readers I now reprint in full the complete and accurate transcript of his speech:

All across the country right now, all across the world right now at this very moment there are people who remember me winning the Olympic gold in 1976 and are wondering “What the hell?”  Oh, and also there are young people coming to terms with being transgender.  Of course how someone could be transgender before they take female hormones I don’t know.

But back to what I was saying about my Olympic gold.  You’ve all seen the photos of me then. In my short shorts which I liked because I like showing off my legs.

Do you like my legs? I should shave them. Too hairy. Too manly. And that bulge! Oh!

Do you like my legs? I should shave them. Too hairy. Too manly. And that bulge! Oh!

Unfortunately they were nasty man legs.  Very  hairy.  Not like the silky smooth pair I have now. When I won that Olympic gold I remember saying, “I could have done even better, even faster if I didn’t have my man thing bouncing around between my legs.”

People tell me I am courageous.  Many have compared the courage I have shown by deciding to remove my male genitalia to the courage shown by Anne Frank when she was hiding from Nazis or the courage shown by fugitive slaves on the underground railroad.  And I have to agree.

I was thinking about Anne Frank.  I’m sure she was scared.  Scared because she was not allowed to be different.  Like I was scared that I’d have to conform to my body identity.  You know what could have comforted Anne?  If she had been allowed to be transgender.  I never saw her legs, which I assume were hairless. But if she had been allowed to practice gender fluidity she might have survived the war, become a man, had male genitalia and gloried in her hairy man legs. But Hitler and the Nazis would not let her alone.  

Could we not say that the Holocaust, and yes it killed some Jews, was really an attack on gender fluidity?

I was thinking about runaway slaves.  Boy they must have been fast.  In very good shape to escape the slave catchers. Unfortunately many were caught.  Could it possibly have been because they had male genitalia bouncing and chafing the inside of their thighs?  I’m sure that when they were caught and whipped they said to themselves, “One day I will be free.  And I will eschew my male genitalia that is responsible for my capture.  I will be gender fluid.”

Okay, so maybe they didn’t use the word, “eschew” with sounds too much like “escrow.” Speaking of escrow the money I’m making for my reality show is being held until I complete my reassignment surgery and amputate my penis and testicles.

Yeah, I still have my man stuff. What can I say?  I’m used to peeing standing up.

I also like sticking my penis in women.  But I’m transgender.  So now I will stick my artificial vagina in woman.  I”m not quite sure of the science behind that. I might have to ask that science guy.  You know. Bill Nye.

Where was I? Oh yes. Escrow. I need the money so I’ll have to say goodbye to my junk. Chop chop!  

In closing I’d like to thank you for giving me this courage award.

Dan Rather put it best.

Courage!

Good night.

(468)

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16 Jul 15

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Do a Bad Thing!

The faces of evil

The faces of evil

Superstars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were photographed coming out of a Subway sandwich shop in Glendale California.

According to reports the couple ordered two Meatball Marinara footlongs, kids’ meals for their younger ones, and a chicken teriyaki sandwich.

When news reached the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ that the power couple had gone into a Subway instead of eating kale or some approved vegetarian food we had no choice but to spring into action.

Heretofore we have respected the couple’s privacy and left them alone (well, except for the times we wrote about them.)  See here Guest Commentary from Brad Pitt and here Angelina Jolie Chops her Breasts Off and here Angelina Jolie has Every Internal Organ Removed.

But now that they have decided to come out as carnivores we can no longer hold back our righteous progressive scorn.

They could have been an example to the world.  They could have practiced gender fluidity. They could have encouraged their pre-teen children to cross dress and save their money for sex reassignment surgery. They could have welcomed illegal immigrants from Mexico with open arms (as long as the Mexicans weren’t driving that is.)  They could have personally given up showering so more water would be available for the Delta Smelt fish. They could have lain down in the road while screaming “Meat is Murder!”

But no.  They did none of this.  They chose to buy marina footlongs (which are only 11 1/2 inches long actually) and a chicken teriyaki sandwich.

With this evidence of their non-progressive depravity revealed we must ask what else have they done?  What else have Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie done that we don’t know about yet?

Are they secret Nazis?  Do they wish for the rise of Hitler again?

Perhaps they are Republicans?

Perhaps they support the second amendment?  (And if this is true then they are directly responsible for the deaths of Dylann Roof’s victims.)

Perhaps they engage in consensual penis in vagina sex?  (Though that is a misnomer.  All penis in vagina sex is rape.)

Perhaps they favor publicly flying the Confederate flag (that notorious hate symbol!)

Perhaps they favor so-called “free speech” which is racist and an excuse to commit hate crimes.  (For as all progressives know speech must be monitored and controlled.)

In short we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ condemn Brad and Angelina before the bar of history.

They must be shunned.  Do not associate with them.  Do not buy their products. Shun them like the non-kale eating reprobates that they are.

Drive them from the public stage.

And this boycott must remain in effect until an apology is received from the pair.

Or until Angelina Jolie sends me some nude pictures of herself (from before she amputated both her breasts.) Because if I want to see a woman with no breasts I’ll look at photos of Caitlyn Jenner.

America is united in this!  Boycott now!

Our righteous fury knows no bounds!

(384)

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15 Jul 15

My Exclusive Interview with Jared Padelecki

I am depressed!

I am depressed!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing actor Jared Padalecki, best known as Sam Winchester on the long-running TV series “Supernatural.”

MI: Good afternoon Jared

JP: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: You’ve spent the past ten years starring on one of the biggest hits on television. This has brought you fame, money and a beautiful wife whom you met on the set of your TV show.

JP: Yes, Genevieve.  My rock.  My anchor.  I am very, very lucky to have her. 

My husband is depressed!

My husband is depressed!

MI: Lately you have been in the news for something entirely different.  I am talking about your struggle with depression.  What made you go public with it?

JP: Well as you know depression is a very serious disease.  I was sitting in my bedroom in my mansion, well, one of my mansions, I forget how many I have when my French maid

French maids make Jared Padalecki depressed

French maids make Jared Padalecki depressed

knocked on the door and told me that it was time to get dressed and that I had to get in my private plane and fly to San Diego for the Comic Con where fans would worship me.  And this depressed me.  I was suddenly filled with depression.  The sight of my French maid, dressed in a sexy French maid outfit filled me with despair. I mean, the money, the women, the fame and adulation, the mansions, the private jets.  Is this all there is?

MI: Um, this depressed you?

JP: Yes, as I’ve said I have more money than I know what to do with.  I have a beautiful young wife and a beautiful young French maid.  I have private jets and mansions.  People do my bidding.  Everyone is nice to me. But for what? Sometimes I yearn for a simpler existence.

MI: I see.  I hadn’t thought of that.  Could you do me a favor?  I need you to move a little closer.

JP: Sure. Why do you – 

[Manhattan Infidel slaps Jared Padalecki]

MI: So I can slap you asshole!

JP: Ow!  Why did you do that?  I’m depressed.  Have pity on me.

[Manhattan Infidel slaps Padalecki a second time]

JP: Ow!  Please stop!  This isn’t helping me with my battle with clinical depression.

MI:  You’re depressed?  Try living my life.  I’m middle aged, live in a Dominican neighborhood in upper Manhattan.  My companions are loud music and gunfire every night.  I’m stuck in a horrible job and I can barely pay my rent. You want to be depressed? Try my f*cking life!  

JP: Wow.  That sounds horrible.  Perhaps your French maid can service you and relieve your depression?

MI: I don’t have a f*cking French maid you rich, depressed asshole!

[Manhattan Infidel punches Padalecki]

JP: Ow!  Stop it!  The people at the Comic Con shall hear about this!

MI: One more thing before I go asshole.  Are you related to Jared from Subway? You know the pedophile?

JP:What? There’s a pedophile who shares my name?  That just makes me even more depressed.

MI: F*ck off!

[Manhattan Infidel kicks Padalecki in the groin]

JP: Help!  Police!  Help!

[A policeman enters]

Policeman: What seems to be the problem?

JP: Officer I’m Jared Padalecki. I have money, mansions and a French maid and I’m depressed.

Policeman: Depressed are you?  Maybe this will help!

[The policeman hits Padalecki with his night stick]

Policeman: Take that you rich, depressed asshole!

MI: That was a good hit.

Policeman:  Thanks.  Do you want to get a beer while we talk about how much we hate rich, depressed assholes?

MI: Sure why not.  Oh, he’s still moving.

[The policeman hits Padalecki a second time, knocking him out]

MI: Should we leave him there?

Policeman: Yeah why not.  He’ll probably wake up before the rats start gnawing at his face.

And so ended my interview.

******************************************************************************************************

Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news Breaking news 

******************************************************************************************************

Rich, depressed actor Jared Padalecki has not shown up at San Diego’s Comic Con and is presumed missing.

“I don’t understand” said his wife Genevieve.  “He was looking forward to it.  I know if he misses it he’ll get really depressed.”

(670)

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Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
14 Jul 15

Scientists Warn that “Peak Gayness” Could be Achieved by 2017!

This totally scientific hockey stick graph details the rise in global gayness

This totally scientific hockey stick graph details the rise in global gayness

With the increasing number of public figures identifying as gay, coupled with the Supreme Court’s decision that gay marriage is legal throughout the United States, a growing number of scientists have started expressing concerns that “peak gayness” will be achieved much earlier than expected, perhaps as early as 2017.

“This has tremendous ramifications” said one scientist.

If you look at the history of the world and the periods of mass extinction they all have one thing in common:  a rise in homosexual behavior among animals.  For years we thought it was a meteor that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.  But now our evidence points to an exponential rise in gay behavior among the horny beasts.

Other scientists point to the link between the rise in gayness and global warming.

As more and more people start having gay sex, temperatures will start to rise. Once temperatures rise people will have more gay sex.  It’s a vicious circle. And this will mean ocean levels will rise. The coastal areas will be underwater. It’s the freaking apocalypse man!  Just like when the fourth Doctor Who regenerated into the fifth Doctor Who.  The world wasn’t ready then and it’s not ready now. Why’s everyone looking at me like that?  The science is settled on this.  No you can’t arrest me.  I’m dead I tell you.  A safe fell out of a fifth floor window and killed me.  And if I had been wearing a good hat instead of a cheap Susquehanna hat I would have survived! Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!

High School football coaches warn that their sport will be hit hard by peak gayness.

“Look it’s difficult enough getting kids to try out for the team now” said one coach.

They would rather play video games. And their mothers won’t let them try out because they feel the sport is dangerous and keeping score is immoral. But now that teenagers are encouraged to be gay?  No one will play football. They’ll all be playing soccer.  If Patton were alive today he’d slap their faces.

Already measures are being taken to prevent a “gay apocalypse.”

“The first thing I do with my students is I show them a video of Kate Upton” said one teacher.

You know the time where she flew in the airplane in a bathing suit and was weightless for a few seconds?  That video.

Can Kate Upton's breasts defeat the gay apocalypse?

Can Kate Upton’s breasts defeat the gay apocalypse?

My god! Her breasts! Firm.  Bouncing.  Defying gravity! I tell you if that doesn’t awaken heterosexual feelings then our planet is doomed.  I asked my wife to get breast implants after watching that.  She has since left me.  Took everything in the divorce settlement. But as long as I have that video to watch I’m content.

Buoyed by the success of the program, the government has launched “Operation Kate Upton” where videos of a weightless Upton will be shown to all men.

“The first person we showed that video to was Secretary of State John Kerry” said an officer with the Department of Homeland Security.

At first all he paid attention to was the beach ball. “This reminds me of the time I massacred an entire Vietnamese village with the guns from my swift boat” he said. But then he noticed Upton. He then squirted ketchup all over his hands and, well, what he did next was pretty disgusting. Some things seen can never be unseen.

With America’s debt at record levels and with resources limited, Operation Kate Upton will be limited to those groups thought to be savable.  The “irremediably gay” will be left out of the operation.

“The Episcopal Church, the WNBA and Richard Chamberlain will be left alone” according to sources inside Homeland Security.

(596)

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Filed in General insanity
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