Angelina Jolie Chops Her Breasts Off

At the forefront of self-mutliation

At the forefront of self-mutliation

Oscar winning actress Angelina Jolie has revealed that she has had both of her breasts amputated after discovering that she is at risk of getting breast cancer in the future.

“I have just completed three months of medical procedures to remove both of my breasts”  the brave woman said.

My decision to have a mastectomy was not easy.  I cried.  Brad cried.  Brad cried some more.  And some more.  Then he started drinking heavily and looking at personal ads on Craigslist.  Then he cried again.  Then he texted Jennifer Aniston and asked her to send him some photos of her breasts.  And then he cried some more. But Brad supports me 100 percent.  I wish he could be here himself to tell you how much he supports me but he’s at a strip club now.

Angelina then talked about why she made her decision.

It’s all very sciency.  The doctors told me that I have some sort of gene which makes me predisposed to maybe getting breast cancer.  So I made the decision to be proactive.  The doctors tell me my chances of getting breast cancer have now been reduced to five percent.  Though I still don’t understand how I can get breast cancer seeing as I have no breasts.  But I’ll leave that up to the scientists.  Brad has been with me for every minute of the surgeries, except for the times he was roaming the halls of the hospital asking the nurses to show him their breasts. 

When asked if the surgery had effected her image of herself, she replied in the negative.

I do not feel any less of a woman.  My femininity is not diminished.  I feel empowered, except of course when I take my blouse off and Brad starts crying.  But he’s been very strong.  And he supports me.    He’d be here to tell you himself but he had to look at some pictures that Jennifer Aniston sent him.

The Society for Female Mutilation has praised Jolie for her decision.  Said its president:

Angelina has showed us the difference between being an amateur and being a professional.  Most of us will never be content again with cutting ourselves with razors.  She has showed us a new way.  And we thank her.

As for Jolie, she says that the process has been so positive for her that she encouraged her husband to undergo testing to see if he had any genes which might predispose him to getting cancer.

And the tests came back positive.  He stands a 25 percent chance of developing testicular cancer.  So I’ve been encouraging him to get his testicles removed.  It’s the right decision.  And he’ll be so much more manageable and well-behaved.  In fact I’ve made an appointment with a surgeon to have the surgery done.  As soon as I can find Brad, that is.  Has anyone seen him?

From his Twitter feed Mr. Pitt has announced that he is staying at an undisclosed location until further notice.

I ain’t chopping these off.  No how.  No way!

He has also encouraged all his fans to send him pictures of their breasts.


3 Responses

  1. Let’s see. She was being proactive because she might get breast cancer some day. There is a very good chance she will die some day. Is she planning to be proactive about that?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Excellent question Jim. I believe she is planning suicide to prevent her death.

  3. Bob Agard says:

    I can’t wait to see the story on Brad next week at the supermarket. Linked here:

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