Do not question the authority of your masters!

In this dark and dangerous time our country is threatened on every side by a group of people so intolerant, so backward, so filled with hatred towards the United States and its values and Constitution. I am of course referring to the White Liberal.

In the the hopes that our country can be saved I am presenting this field guide to those who want to know how to spot their liberal enemies. May it serve you well.  And remember, let’s be safe out there!

He or she may be a family member.  They may be a spouse or loved one.  They may be a co-worker.  But chances are at some point you will be confronted by a liberal. They often appear out of nowhere and in packs.

Do not try to debate or otherwise engage the liberal. This will enrage him as he is not used to be questioned. He might become violent. Back away slowly or ignore him.  If neither works try saying something like “Did you hear how Bill Maher stuck it to the Republicans last night?”

This will buy you time to escape.

What is a liberal?

Your liberal is an upper middle class white male making over 100,000 a year. He loves to espouse his love of diversity and multiculturalism yet lives in a crime-free lily white neighborhood and/or gated community far, far removed from the peoples of color he professes to love so much.

Your liberal fancies himself an expert on the Constitution despite never having read it. He delights in explaining in professorial tones that the government has granted us the rights mentioned in the Constitution. Do not try to argue with him by telling him that the Constitution acknowledged pre-existing rights that cannot be taken away or annihilated. As previously mentioned you risk enraging him. He will call you “stupid.”  

Your liberal hates guns and wishes to restrict gun ownership whenever possible yet probably owns a gun himself. He views his life as more important than yours.

Your liberal prides himself on being too smart for organized religion and proudly proclaims his atheism. Do not believe him. Yes he is contemptuous of the Judeo-Christian religious tradition but the liberal is a man of profound faith. His god is Caesar, the State.

He has faith in the State and its ability to solve all problems and believes, as a God, the State should have unlimited power and not be questioned.

Your liberal is a mix of extreme self-loathing and over-socialized guilt coupled with a profound sense of entitlement. He views himself as your social and intellectual superior and as such has the right to rule over you, restrict your freedom and have you conform to his sense of morality.

Your liberal, like his Catholic enemy, has sacraments. His sacrament of sacraments is abortion. It is holy to him. It is the fountain from which flows the power and holiness of his vocation.

Now that you can recognize your liberal many may be asking how can we stop them?  Is there a cure?

Unfortunately at the moment there is no known cure for liberalism. They are impervious to facts or reason. Until science finds a cure all we can do is pray and fast for the liberal.

So once again, when confronted by a liberal back away slowly. Live to fight another day.

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America stands for free speech. But free speech must be suppressed nonetheless.

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of a visit from none other than the distinguished Attorney General for the United States, Loretta Lynch.

MI: Good afternoon Mrs. Attorney General.

LL: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: As a black woman, and as our Attorney General, what does America mean to you?  Do you believe in American exceptionalism?

LL: Of course I do.  I am proud to be an American and believe this to be the greatest country on Earth.

MI: What exactly do you think makes us great?

LL: Two things.  Our commitment to free speech.  Only America is based on the right to speak freely.

MI: And the second?

LL:  Our eagerness to punish those who speak ill of the Prophet Mohammed.

MI: Um.  What?

LL: Free speech and restricting free speech for those who disrespect the prophet Mohammed.

MI: So free speech except when it comes to Islam?

LL: Actions predicated on violent talk are not American. they are not who we are, they are not what we do, and they will be prosecuted.

MI: So let me be clear. Your office intends to prosecute those who disparage Islam.

LL: Yes.  Free speech is my motto.  Free speech that doesn’t offend the Prophet. People who speak ill of the Prophet live in fear.  We as a nation cannot live in fear. And you know the white man’s heated anti-Islam rhetoric has me fearful.  That’s why free speech must be suppressed.

MI: Okay.  You believe in free speech.  Except against Islam. And our nation must not live in fear.  And you fear heated rhetoric against Islam.  You don’t notice anything contradictory about that?

LL:  No. Those values are in harmony.

MI:  Really?

LL: Yes you see free speech must be safe, legal and rare.  Safe as in not disrespecting the Prophet.  Legal as in speech against the Prophet will be prosecuted. And rare as in suppressing all speech not in accord with progressive values.

MI: I don’t think you understand the concept of free speech.

LL: Manhattan Infidel I can’t help but notice that you are white.

MI: Yeah so?

LL: I believe you might possibly engage in heated anti-Islamic rhetoric.  You must be suppressed. Your blog will be shut down.

MI: What about my free speech rights?

LL: And I have ordered your arrest. He’s in here officers!

[Several heavily armed police show up and subdue Manhattan Infidel]

LL: And another thing.  The second amendment must be restricted. Only government officers should be allowed access to firearms.

MI: What the hell.  Stop beating me!

LL: Speak ill of Islam again and I’ll have my men kill you. Now take him away.  

[An unconscious Manhattan Infidel is dragged to a waiting SWAT van.]

LL: Now I’d like to address myself to Manhattan Infidel’s readers. We know where you live. We know your thoughts. Your anti-Islamic thought will be prosecuted.

Free speech now! Free speech forever! It’s what makes America great. Just don’t insult the holy Prophet Mohammed.

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Who knows why they did this? Perhaps it was lack of affordable health care

Yesterday the U.S. Naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii was attacked today by the Empire of Japan.

As the news first broke many have tried to fathom the motives of the Japanese.  Why did they attack?  Was the United States at fault?  After all we are not at war with the Japanese, who it must be remembered have legitimate historical grievances against the white, western world.

While all the facts are not in, and cautioning against a rush to judgment, the following appear to be the most likely motives:

• Right wing Japanese anger over their new health care system

The Japanese empire recently instituted the most progressive and compassionate health care system in the world. Under the terms of the Japanese Affordable Healthcare Act all Japanese subjects must now buy healthcare from healthcare exchanges that each province will set up. Despite Emperor Hirohito’s promise that “If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor” many right-wing Japanese view this as a federal takeover.  “The bill was over 1000 pages long and no one knows exactly what it says so many of the right wing were angry and it fed upon their paranoia and lack of trust in their government” said a progressive Japanese commentator.

• Right wing Japanese anger over new gun control laws

Emperor Hirohito and his progressive allies had just passed the most humane gun confiscation laws,exceeding even Nazi Germany’s. Many Japanese are opposed to gun control. No one knows why. Perhaps the right just likes killing people. Is it really a stretch to suggest that anger over these laws led rogue elements of the Japanese Navy (who do not represent the majority of the Japanese Navy much less the Japanese people) to attack a country with a liberal, progressive President like Franklin Roosevelt? Indeed one could speculate that if a Republican were President these rogue elements would have not attacked, seeing as they are sympathetic to the intolerance and heated rhetoric of the right wing in America.

• Postpartum depression 

While anti-science Republicans scoff at this notion, many of the fighter pilots who attacked Pearl Harbor have young wives of child-bearing age. Could it not be inferred that many of them have fallen into deep depressions after giving birth and that this depression manifested as rage in their husbands? Rage over their wives condition. Rage over a God who forces women to give birth. Rage over patriarchy and lack of available safe spaces for their wives?

• Jews

With so many Jews now occupying Palestinian territory the world stands united against the Hebrew peoples. Everyone except the United States.  With so many Jews in positions of financial influence and authority in the U.S. a pro-Jewish foreign policy is being formulated in Washington. Could it not be argued that a wise and progressive Japanese peoples rose up and said: “Jews no more!”?

• Segregation in professional baseball

The Japanese as befits a progressive, liberal and enlightened nation love baseball. Many of their baseball players have a desire to play in the United States but are currently unable to because of Major League Baseball’s “whites only” policy. Is it possible the attack on Pearl Harbor was a gentle way to bring the U.S. to rethink its racial policies?

But no matter what the possible motive is (and we may never know) we can all agree on what it isn’t:  An act of war. The Japanese are our friends.  Indeed it could be said that they are the Island of Peace in the Pacific. To even suggest that the attack on Pearl Harbor was an act of war is racist.

Such sentiments should not be tolerated in the United States!

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I only want my subjects happiness!

Because of my dedication to my readers I decided to tune into our Lord’s latest address to his subjects.  Just as well. It was either watch Obama or cuddle with a woman.  Okay, an inflatable doll. And so dear readers, sit back and listen to the words of wisdom from the most intelligent man in the room.

Good evening. On Wednesday, 14 Americans were killed as they came together to celebrate the holidays, including the one called Christmas. God it pains me to even use that term. They were taken from family and friends who loved them deeply. They were white and black; Latino and Asian; immigrants and American-born; moms and dads; daughters and sons.  Some might even have been Methodists or Polish. Each of them served their fellow citizens and all of them were part of our American family. Except for the Republicans who were killed. As racists they got what they deserved.

Tonight, I want to talk with you about this workplace violence event that Republicans call terrorism, and how we can keep our country safe.

The FBI is still gathering the facts  and by gathering the facts I mean compiling a database of gun owners, but here is what we know. The victims were brutally murdered and injured by one of their co-workers and his domestic partner. So far, we have no evidence that the killers were directed by a terrorist organization overseas, or that they were part of a broader conspiracy here at home. In fact we may never know their motives. Perhaps they were angered by the white triumphalism around them. But we do know that it wasn’t terrorism.

For seven years, I’ve confronted this evolving threat each morning in my intelligence briefing. At least the ones I’ve attended. Okay so I never attended any intelligence briefings. They conflict with my golf schedule. But from what my advisers tell me the briefings were filled with terrorist type stuff.  I have no greater responsibility than the security of the American people, unless it’s making my NCAA picks.

Well, here’s what I want you to know: The threat from terrorism is real, but we will overcome it. We will destroy the Republicans, I mean ISIL, and any other organization that tries to harm us.

First, our military will continue to hunt down terrorist plotters in any country where it is necessary. Unless that country is Muslim of course. 

Second, we will continue to provide training and equipment to tens of thousands of Iraqi and Syrian forces fighting ISIL. Okay we will continue to provide training and equipment to the dozen of so Iraqi and Syrian forces fighting ISIL.  Why not. We are already broke what’s a couple hundred million more down the shithole.

Third, we’re working with friends and allies to stop ISIL’s operations — to disrupt plots, cut off their financing, and prevent them from recruiting more fighters. But since George Soros is funding them and he’s a political ally of mine we’ll just ask ISIL to stop.  I know they will. The force of my charm will do this.

Fourth, with American leadership, leadership from behind, the international community has begun to establish a process — and timeline — to pursue cease-fires and a political resolution to the Syrian war. And we can only do that by stopping global warming which caused the Syrian war.  Low flush toilets.  40 watt bulbs. These will stop terrorism.

We also need to make it harder for people to buy powerful assault weapons like the ones that were used in San Bernardino. Yes I know that the weapons they used were illegal in California but we mustn’t let these stubborn facts get in the way of sensible gun control. I know there are some who reject any gun safety measures. We call these people Republicans and lovers of the Constitution, a parchment signed by white slave holders over 200 years ago.

Here’s what we cannot do. We cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and Islam. That, too, is what groups like ISIL want. ISIL does not speak for Islam. They are thugs and killers.  No wait, that’s what I wanted to say about Republicans.

Muslim Americans are our friends and our neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes, my college lovers. Is this live?  Oh then forget I mentioned the bit about lovers.

My fellow Americans, I am confident we will succeed in this mission because we are on the right side of history. Oh screw it.  I don’t give a damn anymore. Let the world burn. I’m out of office in a year.  Suck it. Suck it like Michelle never does.

Thank you. God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

Oh and when I say God bless the United States of America I really mean God won’t fix this.  So stop praying you white Christian racists.

Well I’m glad I listened to his address instead of enjoying the love of a fine woman inflatable doll or left hand.

I feel safer already.

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The motives are a mystery!

As the news filtered in about a mass shooting in San Bernardino, California that left 14 dead, the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ sprang into action okay I was in a bar so I didn’t have time to write about it yesterday.

Having had time to gather the facts sober up I now present the Motives Remain a Mystery for Muslim Shooting Rampage Template™.

News reports are coming in of an active shooter and multiple casualties. How should I react?

• Remain calm and withhold judgment until the facts are in
• Become very excited.  I mean, active shooters?  Multiple casualties?  I love this shit.  It’s like my porn
• Become self-righteous.  All those crazy Christians “praying”, or “preying” as I like to put it, for San Bernardino make me sick.  God will not fix this!
• Make a mental note to tell my psychiatrist at my next appointment that mass shootings violate my safe space

The shooters were a married couple, Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik of middle Eastern origin.

• So?  What are you implying your racist!  Islam is the religion of peace!
• Probably names the white suspects came up with to disparage an entire community
• Where did you hear this? Fox news?  Figures.  You know Fox is Republican!
• Why couldn’t the shooters have been white Christians of northern European origin?

Before the shooting broke out one of the suspects had attended a Christmas party at the office

• First off it’s a “holiday” party or did you forget about Kwanzaa you racist!
• How could we be so culturally insensitive?  Didn’t anyone attending this party appreciate that it violated Syed’s religious principles?
• This just goes to show you that any public display of Christianity is dangerous
• Allah will avenge those who planned this culturally inappropriate holiday party

How is this different than the terrorist attacks in Paris last month?

• That is a racist question!
• To even suggest they are similar shows how hate-filled and intellectually inferior you are!
• France has strict gun laws, unlike the United States where anyone can buy a gun anytime.
• Let’s ban all guns!

Actually California has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. and the suspects used weapons that have already been banned

• Irrelevant!  We need to re-ban the banned weapons!
• If we institute double secret probation banning this will never happen again
• They probably borrowed the weapons from a white militia group.  You know how white people are!
• White people are natural born serial killers.  Science has proven this!

Is there any evidence that Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik had tea party sympathies?

• You are an idiot.  Muslims are progressive liberals
• Perhaps they were kidnapped and brainwashed by tea partiers to kill. You know, like the Manchurian Candidate!
• We all know the Tea Party was behind it.  Who needs evidence?
• Tea partiers should be rounded up and tortured!  They are not worthy of Constitutional protection!

I still don’t know what Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik’s motives could be?

• Muslims are naturally peaceful.  I don’t get it either!
• Living in America perhaps they were corrupted by the dominant war-like white man’s culture?
• It had to have been the holiday party.  They became enraged when they saw a Menorah, a Jewish symbol!
• I mean I like Jews, they are Democrats and all, but Israel should be wiped off the face of the planet!

What can we do to ensure that this never happens again?

• Ban guns.
• Look I know the guns they used were already banned and I have called for re-banning them but what about re-re-banning them?
• Triple secret banning will strike fear into the hearts of gun owners!
• Convert to Islam and follow the Prophet Mohammed.  Allah Akbar!

 

May this template once again help my readers overcome their progressive grief in this time of extreme mourning, tragedy and Christian fundamentalism.

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