I only want my subjects happiness!

Because of my dedication to my readers I decided to tune into our Lord’s latest address to his subjects.  Just as well. It was either watch Obama or cuddle with a woman.  Okay, an inflatable doll. And so dear readers, sit back and listen to the words of wisdom from the most intelligent man in the room.

Good evening. On Wednesday, 14 Americans were killed as they came together to celebrate the holidays, including the one called Christmas. God it pains me to even use that term. They were taken from family and friends who loved them deeply. They were white and black; Latino and Asian; immigrants and American-born; moms and dads; daughters and sons.  Some might even have been Methodists or Polish. Each of them served their fellow citizens and all of them were part of our American family. Except for the Republicans who were killed. As racists they got what they deserved.

Tonight, I want to talk with you about this workplace violence event that Republicans call terrorism, and how we can keep our country safe.

The FBI is still gathering the facts  and by gathering the facts I mean compiling a database of gun owners, but here is what we know. The victims were brutally murdered and injured by one of their co-workers and his domestic partner. So far, we have no evidence that the killers were directed by a terrorist organization overseas, or that they were part of a broader conspiracy here at home. In fact we may never know their motives. Perhaps they were angered by the white triumphalism around them. But we do know that it wasn’t terrorism.

For seven years, I’ve confronted this evolving threat each morning in my intelligence briefing. At least the ones I’ve attended. Okay so I never attended any intelligence briefings. They conflict with my golf schedule. But from what my advisers tell me the briefings were filled with terrorist type stuff.  I have no greater responsibility than the security of the American people, unless it’s making my NCAA picks.

Well, here’s what I want you to know: The threat from terrorism is real, but we will overcome it. We will destroy the Republicans, I mean ISIL, and any other organization that tries to harm us.

First, our military will continue to hunt down terrorist plotters in any country where it is necessary. Unless that country is Muslim of course. 

Second, we will continue to provide training and equipment to tens of thousands of Iraqi and Syrian forces fighting ISIL. Okay we will continue to provide training and equipment to the dozen of so Iraqi and Syrian forces fighting ISIL.  Why not. We are already broke what’s a couple hundred million more down the shithole.

Third, we’re working with friends and allies to stop ISIL’s operations — to disrupt plots, cut off their financing, and prevent them from recruiting more fighters. But since George Soros is funding them and he’s a political ally of mine we’ll just ask ISIL to stop.  I know they will. The force of my charm will do this.

Fourth, with American leadership, leadership from behind, the international community has begun to establish a process — and timeline — to pursue cease-fires and a political resolution to the Syrian war. And we can only do that by stopping global warming which caused the Syrian war.  Low flush toilets.  40 watt bulbs. These will stop terrorism.

We also need to make it harder for people to buy powerful assault weapons like the ones that were used in San Bernardino. Yes I know that the weapons they used were illegal in California but we mustn’t let these stubborn facts get in the way of sensible gun control. I know there are some who reject any gun safety measures. We call these people Republicans and lovers of the Constitution, a parchment signed by white slave holders over 200 years ago.

Here’s what we cannot do. We cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and Islam. That, too, is what groups like ISIL want. ISIL does not speak for Islam. They are thugs and killers.  No wait, that’s what I wanted to say about Republicans.

Muslim Americans are our friends and our neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes, my college lovers. Is this live?  Oh then forget I mentioned the bit about lovers.

My fellow Americans, I am confident we will succeed in this mission because we are on the right side of history. Oh screw it.  I don’t give a damn anymore. Let the world burn. I’m out of office in a year.  Suck it. Suck it like Michelle never does.

Thank you. God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

Oh and when I say God bless the United States of America I really mean God won’t fix this.  So stop praying you white Christian racists.

Well I’m glad I listened to his address instead of enjoying the love of a fine woman inflatable doll or left hand.

I feel safer already.

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