My soul is in darkness because 100 watt bulbs kill polar bears

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the privilege of interviewing respected actor and noted climate change activist Leonardo DiCaprio.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. DiCaprio.  May I call you Leo?

LD: What difference does it make.  We are all doomed

MI: What?

LD: Watt!

MI:  What?

LD:  Watt!

MI:  What?

LD:  Watt! Watt!  Watt! Is that a 100 watt light bulb I see?

MI: Yea. I like 100 watt light bulbs.

LD: Don’t you care about Mother Earth? We are in crisis mode!  The Earth will soon be inhospitable.

MI: That’s debatable.

LD: Debatable? Debatable?  I went to Texas in the springtime and there was no snow!  No snow!  It was hot!  The locals in Texas told me they’ve never seen this before.  “It’s usually cold and snowy in Texas in March!”  Where was the Texas snow?  It’s climate change!

MI:  The locals said that?

LD: I think that’s what they said. I had my limo driver stop and I rolled down the window to talk to some locals.  I couldn’t catch all they said because I immediately rolled the window back up and told the driver to speed away.

MI: Why?  

LD: I sensed danger. Like they were going to blow me up. It’s the same sort of disastrous climate change that fueled the rise of ISIS. 

MI: You can’t be serious?

LD: Serious? I am more serious than the bear that raped me in The Revenant. You know what causes bear on human rape? Climate change!

MI:  What’s it like being raped by a bear?

LD: It’s just like having sex with a biker. Violent and hairy. The only difference is it didn’t happen in the bathroom of the biker bar I frequent. For conversation you know. But I want to discuss climate change. I just got back from the Climate Change Conference in Paris.  I spoke with John Kerry!

MI: Kerry?  You mean Herman Munster?

LD: Don’t disrespect the man! Don’t disrespect the man! What are they going to say about him? What? Are they going to say he was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man!

MI: You seem upset. 

LD: It’s climate change man! Only John Kerry understands. Hey, man, you don’t talk to Kerry. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense.

MI: He’s a ketchup boy.  

LD: I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life?

MI: Leo I really think you need to take a stress pill and relax.

LD: I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…

MI:  Well that’s about all the time we have. 

LD: Kerry is not crazy. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad.

MI: I’m going to go now.  Just turn out the 100 watt light bulb when you leave.

LD: I’ve seen climate change horrors… climate change horrors that you’ve never seen.

MI: Good bye.

LD: Climate change… Climate change has a face… and you must make a friend of climate change. The climate change horror. The climate change horror! I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a 100 watt light bulb That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a 100 watt light bulb.. and surviving.

And so I left the bear rape victim in my office.  I should call security. I have a feeling he’s going to swap out my 100 watt light bulbs for 40 watt ones.

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