Santa Claus Moves Workshop to Texas!

Don't blame me.  Texas has a better business climate

Don’t blame me. Texas has a better business climate

Santa Claus, CEO of Santa’s North Pole Workshop, Inc, a Delaware Limited Liability Company, angered many in the North Pole today when he announced that he is moving his headquarters to Texas.

“It’s true” Santa told reporters.

Look this is a sad day for me as well.  I’ve been in the North Pole for a long time. I have roots here. Friends, family, business associates. But I have to compete with Amazon now.  It was simply getting too expensive for me to keep my operations here.

Business insiders say Santa’s decision is not surprising and that he should have done it years ago.

“Santa’s stock has taken a hit three quarters in a row” said Jim Kramer of CNBC’s Mad Money.

He had rising costs and his business model in the North Pole just wasn’t working anymore.  The move to Texas makes a lot of sense and will help his bottom line tremendously.

Privately Santa has been complaining for years about the political climate at the North Pole which he believed was anti-business and veering towards socialism and punitive tax rates.

“It’s bad enough the North Pole raised the minimum wage to 16 dollars an hour but they also said I had to pay my ‘fair share’ of taxes.” he would grumble to close friends.

And who exactly decides what is my fair share?  A bureaucrat? They were cutting into my profit margins.  How am I supposed to conduct research and development so I can compete in the modern world if the North Pole is taking my money. My money!  When I went to see King Moonracer on the Island of Misfit Toys do you know what he said? “Santa, you didn’t build your factory.”  Point of fact I did asshole.

In addition to moving to Texas Santa announced that the elves will laid off and that he will employ a robot workforce to assemble the toys.

“Making toys is an entry level position. If you want to make more take some vocational courses and move on!”

With the news that Santa will be closing shop opinion against him is heated in the North Pole and he has taken to using body guards at all times when in public.

Moonracer put out some shit that said I was a capitalist only interested in profit. He practically urged the elves to burn down my factory. Hey Moonracer you asshole if you don’t want me to leave then try bringing a more friendly business climate to the North Pole.  I’m not the only one who’s left because of his economic policies. The North Pole is turning into a ghost town.

Moonracer for his part has called on the residents of the North Pole to “occupy” Santa’s factory.

He must be taught a lesson” said the charismatic, progressive leader.

Private property is a sign of white privilege. Santa’s privilege is a stake through the heart of the North Pole. We will occupy it until he learns his lesson. I have already filed an injunction seeking to bar him from moving his factory and any personal assets to Texas. And I appointed the judges so I think it’s safe to say they will do my will.

From an undisclosed location, disguised and surrounded by security Santa vows to fight Moonracer and leave the North Pole as soon as possible.

“Mrs. Claus and Rudolph are already in Texas. Moonracer better let me go. Shame if something were to happen to him.”


5 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Texas welcomes Santa.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Santa will have to adopt a new wardrobe. I think the heavy furs will be too much for the climate of Texas.

  2. LSP says:

    You may not have noticed, but we’re fighting a vicious war on weather. You see, it’s colder now because it’s warmer.

    But it’s hot in Texas, which means it’s colder. So maybe Santa gets to keep his furs?

  3. LSP says:

    He cares nothing for that. Check your carbon privilege, Santa. What a racist.

    Welcome in Austin? Nein danke.

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