My Exclusive Interview with Attorney General Loretta Lynch

America stands for free speech.  But free speech must be suppressed nonetheless.

America stands for free speech. But free speech must be suppressed nonetheless.

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of a visit from none other than the distinguished Attorney General for the United States, Loretta Lynch.

MI: Good afternoon Mrs. Attorney General.

LL: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI: As a black woman, and as our Attorney General, what does America mean to you?  Do you believe in American exceptionalism?

LL: Of course I do.  I am proud to be an American and believe this to be the greatest country on Earth.

MI: What exactly do you think makes us great?

LL: Two things.  Our commitment to free speech.  Only America is based on the right to speak freely.

MI: And the second?

LL:  Our eagerness to punish those who speak ill of the Prophet Mohammed.

MI: Um.  What?

LL: Free speech and restricting free speech for those who disrespect the prophet Mohammed.

MI: So free speech except when it comes to Islam?

LL: Actions predicated on violent talk are not American. they are not who we are, they are not what we do, and they will be prosecuted.

MI: So let me be clear. Your office intends to prosecute those who disparage Islam.

LL: Yes.  Free speech is my motto.  Free speech that doesn’t offend the Prophet. People who speak ill of the Prophet live in fear.  We as a nation cannot live in fear. And you know the white man’s heated anti-Islam rhetoric has me fearful.  That’s why free speech must be suppressed.

MI: Okay.  You believe in free speech.  Except against Islam. And our nation must not live in fear.  And you fear heated rhetoric against Islam.  You don’t notice anything contradictory about that?

LL:  No. Those values are in harmony.

MI:  Really?

LL: Yes you see free speech must be safe, legal and rare.  Safe as in not disrespecting the Prophet.  Legal as in speech against the Prophet will be prosecuted. And rare as in suppressing all speech not in accord with progressive values.

MI: I don’t think you understand the concept of free speech.

LL: Manhattan Infidel I can’t help but notice that you are white.

MI: Yeah so?

LL: I believe you might possibly engage in heated anti-Islamic rhetoric.  You must be suppressed. Your blog will be shut down.

MI: What about my free speech rights?

LL: And I have ordered your arrest. He’s in here officers!

[Several heavily armed police show up and subdue Manhattan Infidel]

LL: And another thing.  The second amendment must be restricted. Only government officers should be allowed access to firearms.

MI: What the hell.  Stop beating me!

LL: Speak ill of Islam again and I’ll have my men kill you. Now take him away.  

[An unconscious Manhattan Infidel is dragged to a waiting SWAT van.]

LL: Now I’d like to address myself to Manhattan Infidel’s readers. We know where you live. We know your thoughts. Your anti-Islamic thought will be prosecuted.

Free speech now! Free speech forever! It’s what makes America great. Just don’t insult the holy Prophet Mohammed.



2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Free speech obviously doesn’t mean “free to be a hater” — of the Prophet!

    Or the LGBTQ community of peaceful Muslims.

    That’s in the Constitution. Ask SCOTUS.

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