Peter Pan Tired of Eternal Youth; Wants Pubes to Grow!

I'm hairless down there!

I’m hairless down there!

Peter Pan, pre-pubescent resident of Neverland is reportedly disenchanted with eternal youth.

“You think this is fun?” he told a visitor.

All I do is have boyish adventures with my friends. Not a responsibility in the world. Oh sure it was fun at first. Kinda like always being at recess without having to play dodgeball. But eventually it gets boring. I want to grow up.  I want responsibility. I want to drive a car, go to an office and have meetings. I want to drink beer. Most of all I want to touch some boobies. I like them. But since I haven’t grown up, legally the older women can’t show them to me and the girls my age haven’t developed yet.

Peter then related one incident when he asked a college girl to come back to his place in Neverland.

At first she was into it. I mean she was pretty drunk. But she did sign the consent to sexual actions form so I thought it was my day to get lucky. But then she tells me she “like girth”, whatever that means and asks me to “show me what you got down there.”  So I drop my pants and she starts laughing.  Laughing!  Do you know how humiliating that was? Hey it’s not my fault I have a ten-year old’s penis. You know she might have still gone home with me if I at least had some hair down there! So she left and went home with Captain Hook. I hate him. Him and his adult penis!

Pan is also disenchanted with his wardrobe.

What the hell am I wearing? Some sort of green tights made from autumn leaves and cobwebs. Why can’t I wear jeans?  And a t shirt with a football team’s logo on it? Look at me!

Come on!  Can't i wear something more gender appropriate?

Come on! Can’t i wear something more gender appropriate?

I look like I should be dancing for the New York City Ballet or some shit. And autumn leaves and cobwebs shrink every time I wash them. I wish I had something made of microfiber. That’s a miracle fabric. Or cotton. Very breathable. And it doesn’t itch like these f*cking leaves.

Peter’s one joy, his ability to fly, has also been ruined.

Yeah the government put me on their “no-fly” list. They said they couldn’t be sure I was a terrorist and that my eternal youth had agents in Washington concerned. So now I can’t even fly. At least when I was flying I could look down the blouses of the college girls and see their boobies. F*cking Washington!

With access to college women’s breasts forbidden by law, Peter has reserved his greatest complaint for the only action available to him.

Hollywood producers keep sending me pictures of their penis and asking me if I’d like to come over and take a shower with them. What the hell are Quaaludes anyway? One producer asked me if I could come over, drink wine and take some quaaludes and hop into his bathtub with him.  “You’re so sexy and smooth down there. I like that” he said. Gross. So I can’t get college boobies and Hollywood producers keep sending me photos of their dick. Yeah, I see your pubes. Rub it in asshole!  I tell you I’m fed up and I’m going to start taking it out on the tourists.

The Department of Homeland Security has advised American citizens to avoid Neverland for the time being.

“Peter’s stopped responding to my selfies and the situation on the Island is fluid so Americans will be better off not visiting” said Homeland Secretary Jeh Johnson.

(48)

3 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Whats Tinkerbell up to lately?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      After a lifetime of struggle and feeling different, Tinkerbell has accepted his inner identity and now goes by the name “Caitlyn Bell.”

  2. LSP says:

    Look, Infidel. Jeh was born that way, and gender’s a construct. Just have a look at Stefonknee.

    I dare you.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>