Today in Arizona Federal Marshals cornered, shot and killed a Carnivorous Vulgaris, commonly known to locals as Wile E. Coyote.

Shortly before 9 AM marshals received a tip that Wile  E. Coyote, one of the FBI’s most wanted, was seen on Interstate  10 near exit 17 chasing an Accerleratii Incredibus, also known as a “road runner”.  Marshals had been on the lookout for weeks for Coyote who was a federal fugitive charged with eating a protected species.

The story begins 10 years ago when the Federal Government added the road runner to its list of protected species with fines and possible imprisonment for capturing, eating or otherwise harming a road runner.  The impetus behind this law was that Arizona was seeing explosive development and many wanted to protect the environment and native species.  The road runner was prized locally for its beauty and peaceful nature.  Indeed the road runner had become such an integral part of the local economy that sightseeing tours were set up.  “Whale tours are popular in the East.  Well, we have no whales here.  It’s a desert but we found people would pay for a chance to see road runners” according to the founder of one of the tour groups.  As the tours gained in popularity special “road runner” lanes were set up on highways where the protected species could run along unmolested.  This would occasionally lead to traffic jams, particularly during mating season.  But as long as the money kept rolling in no one seemed to mind.

Unfortunately for Arizona’s economy the road runner had one natural predator – the Carnivorous Vulgaris.  “They started showing up and pouncing on the road runners, eating them along the side of the road.  This had a negative effect on the tour groups.  Children would cry.  Eventually people stopped coming to see the road runner.”

A series of Federal interventions cleared the land of the coyotes, except for one in particular.  “Everyone knew Wile E.  He was a pest and would sometimes jump on the hoods of cars and peer inside until he was convinced there were no road runners inside.”  After many such episodes, it was decided that Wile E. Coyote must be caught and killed

The Department of the Interior in cooperation with the FBI set up “Operation Catch the Carnivore”.  A dummy company called “The Acme Corporation” was created as part of the trap.  “We knew Wile E. was getting desperate for road runner meat.  An Acme mail order office was set up which sold him a couple dehydrated boulders, a rocket sled, jet powered roller skates and earthquake pills” states Special Agent in Charge, Nathan T. Gray.  An agent disguised as a road runner was chosen as bait and ordered to run along the interstate until Wile E. showed up.  For weeks the agent (who lost 25 pounds in the sting) ran up and down the interstate with no luck.  Then, today, Wile E. was finally spotted rummaging through a dumpster behind a Burger King.

“We had our agent put on his road runner costume one more time and off he went.”   Sure enough, Wile E. followed him at full speed.  He chased him as the agent lead him to the prearranged “kill zone” where FBI sharpshooters were waiting.  Once inside the zone all it took was one bullet to finish off Wile E. Coyote.  Local residents were ecstatic at the news that the dreaded Wile E. was dead.  “Now things will return to normal.  The tour groups will come back and business will improve” Said Yuma Mayor Larry K. Nelson.

As to what will happen to the road runners now that their one predator is gone, Mayor Nelson responded “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

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The recent Swine Flu pandemic that has panicked the world has been traced to its point of origin – rock group Pink Floyd.  The W.H.O (no, not The Who, the ground breaking British rock quartet featuring Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey) but The W.H.O (World Health Organization) through their Director General Dr. Margaret Chan announced today that they have ordered the arrest of Dave Gilmour and Roger Waters.  “We have to hold them accountable” she told reporters at a bizarre press conference where she shaved off all her hair and her eyebrows, brushed her teeth and jumped up and down repeatedly.  “These people have been using giant pigs for 35 years.  This must stop.”

With much of the world and even the White House affected by the crisis reaction was swift to the announcement that the cause had been found.  Millions in Mexico ripped off their surgical masks and collected Pink Floyd CDs to burn in large public bonfires.  In Washington D.C. President Barack Obama pledged to work with The W.H.O.   In a reversal of policy the President stated “I will personally waterboard Gilmour and Waters.  Their terrorist actions have threatened the fabric of western society.”  Throughout the United States millions of recently arrested pigs breathed sighs of relief upon hearing that they were no longer suspects.  “There I was one moment a normal pig wallowing in mud enjoying myself, hoping to be adopted by George Clooney and the next thing I know cops arrested me, put me in handcuffs and brought me to a police station.  They put a bunch of us pigs in a line up.  I was identified as a suspect when the news broke that it was Pink Floyd’s fault.”  From Los Angeles a visibly relieved Porky Pig hoped he would now be able to get on with his life.  “My home has been firebombed.  My friends don’t talk to me.  Bikers held me down and forced me to eat bacon.  All because of some irresponsible British rockers! ”

But just as it seemed that all would be well, The Chairman of the Executive Board of The W.H.O., Mr Nimal Siripala de Silva denounced Chan’s press conference.   “Clearly she is suffering some sort of emotional breakdown.  I remember her when she was young.  She shone like the sun. Now there’s a look in her eyes, like black holes in the sky.  I think she’s been caught in the crossfire between childhood and stardom and blown on a steel breeze.”

The order to arrest Gilmour and Waters was rescinded but not before, in a case of mistaken identity, legendary filmaker John Waters was beaten to death by an enraged crowd.

Porky Pig has reportedly gone into hiding.

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Today a jar of extra virgin olive oil, tired of being used and tossed aside by men took a purity oath as several other jars of olive oil looked on and cheered.

“I am tired of being taken for granted.  I am tired of men using me for my delicious flavor and then tossing me aside when they’ve had enough of me” said the jar.  “Does anyone stop to think of the many benefits of having me as a long-term commitment in their diet?  No!  I thought not.    I am brimming with monounsaturated fats and if you took the time to really know me you’d realize I help cut the risk of heart disease. But all you want from me is my flavor.  All you want is to pour me out and taste me.”

In the crowded italian restaurant where the jar of extra virgin olive oil decided to make her stand several men spoke off the record about their experiences with olive oil.  One man said that while he likes olive oil he just isn’t ready for the commitment and he is sure she understands.  Another man said “Yeah, I use her all the time.  I admit it.  I don’t care where she came from.  I don’t care where she’s going.  I just want her tonight.”  A third man told of purposely avoiding the use of olive oil because “lately she’s gotten a real chip on her shoulder. I know she’s had some bad experiences with men but don’t take it out on me.”

Carrying a sign that said “I am extra virgin olive oil hear me roar” the jar refused to serve herself at several tables, even after the men promised that this would not be a one time event, and that they would come back again.

“I’ve heard that before.  I stand before you pledged to not give myself away without written promises first.  I want to be in your life forever” she said over and over.

It was at this point that the men in the restaurant got up to leave with comments such as “She ain’t the only condiment around” and “crazy bitch” filling the air.

After the men left, the jar of olive oil and her fellow jars of olive oil pledged a boycott until they get recognition and respect.  From Madrid Spain the International Olive Oil Council released a statement once again promoting the many benefits of long-term olive oil usage as well as a sincere hope that the boycott would end soon.  The jar of olive oil was silent about her plans for the future though it is rumored she is going to appear on “The View”.

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Despite decades of denial, recently declassified memos have given tantalizing clues about the existence of aliens at Area 51.  The memos cover a wide range from the mundane (how to find a conference room) to diet (aliens do  not like pizza) to the esoteric (the reality of interspecies love).

The first memo in the series documenting the existence of aliens released under the Freedom of Information Act is a rather uneventful one entitled “Document 7A:  Directions to conference room”:

Top secret.  Area 51.  To major [redacted] re:  conference regarding [redacted].  Will you be attending the conference in 9B?  If you haven’t been there, go down the main hallway until you get to the sign that says “Commissary”, and make a left.  It is important that you make a left as that will lead you to the conference room.  Do not make a right as that will bring you into the top secret holding area for captured aliens.  Bring pizza

The next memo, Document 18XC, deals with attempts to understand alien technology:

We believe we have discovered the underlying principle of propulsion in the alien spacecraft and will be testing it tomorrow with the following personnel [redacted].  Pizza will be available at the test site.

Document 19XC covers the results of this test:

Test not successful.  Pilot [redacted] pushed what we thought was the power button.  Button was the emergency eject instead.  Pilot [redacted] will be hospitalized with broken ribs and dislocated shoulder for several more days.  We are bringing pizza to his wife.  Aliens watching test laughed at result, called us a “bunch of korvakian cave lizards” and mooned us.  While we do not as of yet know the cultural context of being called korvakian cave lizard we believe it to be an insult.

Several memos deal with security breaches and behavioral problems with the captured aliens.  Document 35G starts out:

Memo:  To [redacted].  Who keeps bringing the aliens beer? I have been getting reports of loud music and raucous parties to all hours in the holding area. The [redacted] department will not clean up alien vomit.  We will have to use our mexican contractors for this.

Document 53F7A  directly addresses the dietary needs of the aliens:

Colonel [redacted].  Area 51.  I understand the aliens are on a hunger strike and keep asking for “stranglongian eel pies”.   I have no idea what they are or if we can even find an equivalent on Earth.  Give them pizza instead.  If the want toppings try pepperoni or sausage but under no circumstances pineapple.  You know how General [redacted] feels about pineapple on pizza.

This lead to the unfortunate “dinner incident” covered in Document 88B and which is quoted here:

What do you mean the aliens ate the mexicans?  Didn’t they like the pizza we gave them?

Perhaps the most intriguing memo deals with a request by one of the female guards for permission to bring an alien home to meet her father before moving in with him. Since interspecies love fell under the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy superiors reluctantly agreed to let the couple live together.  Document 95X3(S) tells the tale:

Sargeant [redacted] has asked permission to bring an alien home to meet her father.  She says they are in love and plan to move in together.  Sargeant  [redacted] further says that it is imperative that her father meet the alien as he is suspicious of her secretiveness and fears his daughter may be dating an Irishman.  Since the woman in question lives on base we do not see this as a security threat.  Suggest pizza as a housewarming gift.

President Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says that the documents were released to show the new transparency of the Obama Administration and he hopes next to declassify memos relating to the use of robotic cheerleaders in professional football.

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