Santa Reveals New Streamlined Business Model

Kris Kringle, CEO of SantaCorpKris Kringle, CEO of SantaCorp today revealed a new pared down, streamlined business model for his struggling company that he hopes will enable him to compete well into the 21st Century.  Gone are many recognizable features of SantaCorp including reindeer, the famous sleigh, Santa’s red suit and personal delivery of presents on Christmas Eve to many parts of the world.

“It was a difficult thing to do” Kringle said in a press conference in Manhattan today.  “Change is always painful.  Yet I believe the steps I am taking will make us more competitive and in the end more responsive to customer needs.”

SantaCorp had been the focus of much public attention recently after the company failed to meet projections for the 4th quarter in a row.  That combined with a constant barrage of criticism from CNBC finally forced Kringle’s hand.  “That Kramer fellow got under my skin.  He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

In the most stunning move, SantaCorp will move its corporate headquarters from the North Pole to the more central location of Morristown New Jersey.  “I’d like to thank Governor Corzine for giving me the tax breaks that allowed me to make the move.  Production costs in the Pole were astronomical.  And it turns out no one really wanted to live there”  says Kringle.  Also out:  SantaCorp employees.  “From now on we will contracting out services.  This will save me money since I will not have to pay health insurance any more.  The contractors will have to work that out themselves.”

Kringle has also laid off his entire reindeer force with the exception of Rudolph who has been promoted to Vice President of Production.  His trademark sleigh has been donated to the Smithsonian (“A nifty tax break” according to Santa) and the red suit will now be replaced by a two-button gray business suit.

Personal delivery of presents throughout the world will also be abolished in the new business model.   Kringle admits that this was the most painful of all the changes.  “I loved that part of the job.  But it’s just too expensive.   Online ordering of presents is much cheaper and I can utilize my corporate account at UPS to ship them.  Besides, all those cookies left by children was bad for my cholesterol.  Getting flyover rights in countries was a hassle with new security concerns and last year I had some lady throw paint on my suit and scream ‘fur is murder’.  What can I say?  Times are changing.” Kringle then ended the press conference by promising that children will still have a memorable, traditional Christmas despite the changes.

However the last word is always the human face of change.  In the North Pole, police responding to reports of drunk and disorderly reindeer found Donner and Blitzen fighting with college students in a local bar.  “You want a piece of me you f—ing  punk” Blitzen shouted as he was arrested.  “I’ll kick your f—ing ass you piece of s–t.  I’ll cut you.  God help me  I will.”  A quieter but equally inebriated Donner when led away by police could only mumble, “What am I going to do now? I’m a reindeer and flying on Christmas Eve is all I know how to do.”


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