Useless Long Island

Governor David Paterson (D-NY) hoping to offset a record budget deficit for New York State has announced plans to sell Long Island.  With a budget deficit approaching $55 billion and the state on the verge of bankruptcy Paterson announced today that he will be selling Long Island to the New York Yankees.  The Yankees plan to use Long Island as a breeding ground for future ballplayers.

“This is a good deal for both parties” said Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman at a joint press conference.  “New York gets to close its budget gap and the Yankees get to use Long Island as a hatchery for biologically viable ballplayers.”

Under terms of the deal all residents of Long Island will be converted to bioenergy to fuel new experimental pods that the Yankees are planning on installing along the North Shore.

“We found that dealing with real humans created a degree of uncertainty about winning.  So the organization decided to use bioengineered superhumans as our ballplayers” said Cashman.

Residents of Long Island are bitterly divided.  Many worry about the environmental impact while others are in favor of the sale.

“With all our residents converted to bioenergy the Long Island Expressway will finally live up to its name” said Suffolk County Executive Steve Levy who volunteered to be the first converted to the new form of existence.  Once he emerged from the pod, Levy threw a bullpen session off the mound and had his fastball clocked at an amazing 283 miles an hour.

“He’ll have to work on developing another pitch obviously” said Cashman.  “But we think we’ve found our new closer.”

While the constitutionality of the sale and conversion of Long Island’s residents to bioenergy still have to be settled many agree that this makes the Yankees the favorite to repeat as champions for the next 97 years or until Jose Reyes comes back from his hamstring injury, whichever happens first.

Governor Paterson defended the sale telling reporters “Look we had to close the deficit and this was the only viable solution.  Is was this our use or national guard to invade New Jersey, ruthlessly strip it of its natural resources and use their citizens as slave labor.  Well, okay, we are planning on doing that anyway.  But the sale helps out definitely.”

Bud Selig when told of the Yankees plans said “This is obviously in the best interest of baseball.  And as long as no steroids are involved….oh what the hell……where are my hookers?”

(308)

The offensive logo in question

Hoping to modernize their image and avoid the embarrassment of racist imagery the Washington Redskins announced that they will be changing their name effective with the beginning of the 2010 season.

“Let’s face it” said a team spokesperson, “Our team sucks.  We need a distraction.  Also, there is a law against having logos that denigrate entire peoples. so the Redskin logo must go.  Sure the native Americans had skin.  Sure that skin was red.  But I’m sure it wasn’t originally so. Global warming brought on by European invasion must have warmed the atmosphere and led to the red skin.”

Since the Washington franchise has a long association with the color red the possible name changes originally involved that color.

“We considered changing our name to the Washington Steamed Lobsters but we didn’t want to upset the important vegan lobby.”

Another name considered was the Washington Trillion Dollar Deficits.

“The color would be red, and hey, this is Washington after all.”

That potential name was rejected after team owners were assured that increased government spending would eliminate the deficit, thereby making the name change irrelevant.

Having ruled out all “red-themed” name changes the Washington franchise decided to delve deeper into their name.  Since the original natives of the American continent came from a now sunken land bridge with Asia the Washington Asians was considered as a possible new name.

However, since the asians most probably migrated from the birthplace of humankind, Africa, the Washington Asians was rejected and the Washington Africans was set to be announced as the new name for the team.

The Washington Africans was rejected out of concern that it might bring up the specter of slavery.

“Given the inherent racism in American society we worried that calling the team the Africans would open fresh wounds.”

But since a connection with the African continent was considered key to the name change the several stages of evolution were considered.  But for practical reasons, the Washington Homo Sapiens, the Homo Neandertals, the Homo Erectus, the Homo Habilis and the Australopithecus Africanus were rejected when none of the names would fit on the jerseys.

“So we decided to go back even further – to the beginning.”

And so with the 2010 season the new name for the franchise will be the Washington Primordial Soups.

“Primordial Soup.  I like it.  It’s catchy and pretty much describes our offensive line.”

(421)

In keeping with my policy of allowing guest commentary it is my privilege to have God visit my humble blog:

God is stressed out and feeling underappreciated

Thank you.  I’d like to take this opportunity to thank The Manhattan Infidel for letting me say a few words even though I do disapprove of his name.

First off let me say that I’m kind of tired of hearing everybody whining all the time, saying ‘this isn’t fair’ or ‘that isn’t fair.’  Do you think life is supposed to be fair?  Look at me.  I’m six trillion years old and I don’t have a pension plan.

You know what else is not fair?  I get blamed for everything.  Any little thing that goes wrong with their life and they are renouncing me.  Why?  People don’t see the big picture.  As I like to tell everybody I’m a big picture kind of guy.  But everyone is caught up in their petty little problems and mistakes.  Hey, free will baby.  Free will!  No not Free Willy, though that was a great movie.  So don’t blame me if something goes wrong.  You had a choice.

You know what else isn’t fair?  Rent.  Yeah, I have to pay rent too.  Did you ever think about that?  It’s gotten so expensive in Heaven that I am looking at office space in Malverne, New York.  True, there are many excellent golf courses in the area but that’s just a secondary consideration.  So don’t whine to me when your landlord raises your rent.

And don’t get me started on this whole idea of perfection.  You think it’s fair being judged by seven billion people every time I make a mistake?  If I’m perfect how do you explain Florida?  It’s humid, swampy and full of alligators for me’s sake.

If I’m perfect how do you explain that I gave humans only two set of teeth instead of three?  It would be nice to have a replacement set rather than dealing with dentures.  If I’m perfect how about all those rivers that flow South to North?  How did that happen?  I’ll tell you how it happened.  I was probably distracted waiting for the damn cable guy to show up.

So quit your whining.  At least you get two weeks vacation a year.  Do you know the last time I took a vacation?  September 1939.  And what happens?  World War II breaks out.  And I get blamed!  I wasn’t even in the office that week!

So quit whining.  Life isn’t fair.  At least you get to retire.  I’ve tried changing jobs but I have no certifications and I’m not good at computers.  I’m not qualified to do anything else.  I put my resume out there but the only job I was offered was as the new lead singer for Journey.  Why? Gimmick value.  They just wanted to promote themselves with God singing ‘Don’t Stop Believin.'”

Alright?  So c’mon give me a break and quit whining.  I have problems of my own.

Thank you

God

Wow, um, I’d like to once again thank God for his guest commentary.

The Manhattan Infidel

(225)