Useless Long Island

Governor David Paterson (D-NY) hoping to offset a record budget deficit for New York State has announced plans to sell Long Island.  With a budget deficit approaching $55 billion and the state on the verge of bankruptcy Paterson announced today that he will be selling Long Island to the New York Yankees.  The Yankees plan to use Long Island as a breeding ground for future ballplayers.

“This is a good deal for both parties” said Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman at a joint press conference.  “New York gets to close its budget gap and the Yankees get to use Long Island as a hatchery for biologically viable ballplayers.”

Under terms of the deal all residents of Long Island will be converted to bioenergy to fuel new experimental pods that the Yankees are planning on installing along the North Shore.

“We found that dealing with real humans created a degree of uncertainty about winning.  So the organization decided to use bioengineered superhumans as our ballplayers” said Cashman.

Residents of Long Island are bitterly divided.  Many worry about the environmental impact while others are in favor of the sale.

“With all our residents converted to bioenergy the Long Island Expressway will finally live up to its name” said Suffolk County Executive Steve Levy who volunteered to be the first converted to the new form of existence.  Once he emerged from the pod, Levy threw a bullpen session off the mound and had his fastball clocked at an amazing 283 miles an hour.

“He’ll have to work on developing another pitch obviously” said Cashman.  “But we think we’ve found our new closer.”

While the constitutionality of the sale and conversion of Long Island’s residents to bioenergy still have to be settled many agree that this makes the Yankees the favorite to repeat as champions for the next 97 years or until Jose Reyes comes back from his hamstring injury, whichever happens first.

Governor Paterson defended the sale telling reporters “Look we had to close the deficit and this was the only viable solution.  Is was this our use or national guard to invade New Jersey, ruthlessly strip it of its natural resources and use their citizens as slave labor.  Well, okay, we are planning on doing that anyway.  But the sale helps out definitely.”

Bud Selig when told of the Yankees plans said “This is obviously in the best interest of baseball.  And as long as no steroids are involved….oh what the hell……where are my hookers?”

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