Contrite Tiger Woods Promises to Sleep with Black Women in the Future

Tiger Woods, high priest of the dark side of golf

Tiger Woods, high priest of the dark side of golf

In a bizarre press conference today, golf legend Tiger Woods made his first public appearance, acknowledging mistakes and promising that “in the future, I will avail myself of the opportunity to sleep with black woman.”

Flanked by Jesse Jackson and Al  Sharpton,  Woods expressed deep shame for his actions.

I have failed.  I have failed my family.  I have failed my fans.  I have failed my sponsors and most of all I have failed my race.  Like our President I am the product of a mixed  marriage.  Unlike our President I have chosen in the past to ignore my people.  I accept my guilt and will change.  I ask black women who may be watching this press conference, especially if they are in their 20s and have straight hair to contact me to arrange a liason.”

He then stepped back and let Rev. Jackson take over.

“Tiger is not perfect…….he has privately expressed remorse to me over his integration of sexual partners…….as the leader of the black race…….he has my forgiveness” said Jackson.

Rev. Al Sharpton spoke next.

“Jackson who the hell elected you the leader of the black race?  I’m the leader of the black race!”

Jackson countered with “Yeah, well I  liked you better when you were wearing jump suits fat boy!”

Jackson and Sharpton lunged at each other, knocking over the podium and began fighting.  At first it appeared that Jackson had the upper hand as he had Sharpton in a headlock, screaming “Say uncle….say uncle!”

Sharpton countered by biting Jackson’s ankles.  As Jackson screamed in pain Sharpton took advantage of his distracted foe and sat on him.

“Please….please….I cannot breathe” cried Jackson.

As the two were fighting Woods, who had grabbed an acoustic guitar, started singing “Kumbaya.”

“Kum bay ya my lord/kum bay ya/Kum bay ya my lord/kum bay ya.”

The sight of Tiger Woods singing a negro spiritual shamed the combatants. Jackson and Sharpton hugged and wiped away each other’s tears.

“I love you man” said Jackson.

“I love you too” said Sharpton.  “I love anybody who isn’t Rudy Guiliani.”

The press conference ended with hugs and smiles all around and Tiger Woods exchanging phone numbers with a blonde female reporter.


3 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Them thar revrunds sure is some holy men, I tell ya!

  2. KingShamus says:

    So, just like affirmative action, Tiger’s promise to sleep with black women is just a cover to keep philandering with cracka chickies.

    Its all so clear to me now.

  3. And there was piece(s) throughout the land … as all three men began to receive cell phone calls from black women everywhere.

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