Tiger Woods, high priest of the dark side of golf

Today it was learned that a 20-year old part-time college student from Sheboygan Wisconsin has admitted to not sleeping with embattled golfer Tiger Woods.

The 20-year old, who wishes that her real name not be used, admits that she feels “left out” and has written Tiger asking for an assignation.

“At first it didn’t bother me, not sleeping with Tiger.  He is a married man after all and I do have standards.  But then I found out that every other woman in Wisconsin has slept with him.  This hurt me.  Why am I not good enough for Tiger?  I can’t concentrate on my studies anymore.  I just want to finish my classes and become a dental hygenist but now…..I don’t know.”

Her lawyer has written Tiger asking him to show cause as to why he has not slept with his client.

“This can damage a person in so many ways.  To realize that you are the only person who  hasn’t slept with Tiger Woods can have a profound impact on a person’s life.  I ask for justice.  I ask that Tiger sleep with my client.”

Meanwhile in upstate New York near Utica it has been learned that a 44-year old mother of three also has not slept with Tiger Woods.

“This has ruined my life. The press camp out on my lawn and shout questions to me when I drive the kids to school.  My husband is ashamed of me for not sleeping with Tiger – he’s a huge golf fan.  He keeps telling me to close my eyes and pretend it’s Phil Mickelson if I have to.  My kids get teased at school and come home crying.  Kids are so cruel.  They say things like ‘Your mother doesn’t cheat’ and ‘Your mother doesn’t like golf balls.’  I just want this to stop.  I want my life back.”

A new support group, “Women Who Have Not Slept With Tiger Woods” has been created and meets every second and fourth Tuesday of the month in the basement of the Sheboygan Rotary Club.

“So far I’m the only member but I hope more people will join.  There must be other women out there who hide this dark, shameful secret of not sleeping with Tiger.  There must be.  Invalids, the comatose, women with autism.  There has to be somebody else!”

Tiger Woods released a statement apologizing for not sleeping with the two women and blames his busy schedule.  The statement also said that he “hopes to sleep with them sometime in 2010.”

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