From the White House front lawn Katie Couric looks into the camera:

Katie Couric: Greetings from the House of Noncolor.  All three major networks (and we don’t consider Fox a major television network) are proud to simulcast President Obama’s Non-denominational End of Year Holiday Spectacular.  I’d like to introduce my cohost, MSNBC political reporter Chris Matthews.

Chris Mathews:  This is absolutely fantastic Katie.  I feel a thrill going up and down my leg.  Yes, my leg…….it tingles…oh God it feels so good…..I can’t stop it.  (Matthew’s leg begins moving.)  My leg…….it feels so good.  Oh my God.  Yes….yes…..YES!!! (Matthews passes out) [Queue laugh track]

Katie Couric:  And so without further ado we take you to the Oval Office where His Eminence Barack Obama will address his subjects.

Live from the Oval Office.

Barack Obama:  Thank you Katie.  And Chris, I haven’t seen so much flailing about and uncoordinated movements since the last time my Vice President Joe Biden tried to get out of the locked office in the basement we keep him in  [laugh track.]  But seriously my fellow citizens of the world it is my pleasure to address you tonight from the House of Noncolor in Washington D.C.  A  city that until 150 years ago used to sell slaves not far from here.  Fortunately a Democratic Administration put an end to that practice. 

I am pleased to see so many people here today.  We have Pakistanis, Afghans, Venezuelans, Cubans, Palestinians, Chinese, Jordanians and others.  This truly shows how nonthreatening and unexceptional the U.S. is to the rest of the world.  And I am proud to have a part in bringing it about.  Not like my predecessor.  So now I’d like to introduce my master of ceremonies Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes:  Thank you muthaf*&#$.  Boy the muthaf($%^*#% security is a muthaf#(*$!  I had to pass through lots of pasty-faced white boys just to be here.  I just hope they don’t let that fat ass muthaf#($# Rush Limbaugh into the building.  I hope his muthaf#(*$#* kidneys fail.

Barack Obama:  Isn’t she a pip?  [laugh track]  But seriously Wanda, who do we have on the show today?

Wanda Sykes:  Don’t you know muthaf#(&*#?  It’s your muthaf#($#&* show? [laugh track]

Barack Obama: Oh Wanda behave yourself.  [laugh track.] Well tonight I am pleased to have the Dixie Chicks who will be singing their new holiday song “America Sucks and We Are Ashamed of our Country.”  And let me tell you people, this single is a good one. We will also have, via satellite link from the tribal region of Pakistan Osama Bin Laden who will have a special greeting to the infidel invaders of Afghanistan.  But first – wait, what’s this?  (President Obama and Wanda Sykes turn to the chimney where a jolly fat man has just appeared.) 

Could it be that European fur-wearing man who refuses to bring toys to nonchristian peoples of color around the world??  Is it Santa?

 Wanda Sykes:  It’s that muthaf#*$$*% fat ass white boy Rush Limbaugh.  How’d you get in here muthaf#($#*?  Haven’t your muthaf#($#* kidney’s failed yet? (Limbaugh is tackled by Secret Service and dragged out of the room.)

You’re the muthaf#$*# President and your security sucks! [laugh track.]

Barack Obama:  Oh Wanda.  I have a harder time getting you to behave than my mother-in-law! [laugh track]

But as I promised here via satellite link is Osama Bin Laden who has a special message for the world.

Osama Bin Laden:  Thank you.  To all infidel invaders of Muslim holy lands.  You will die.  We will cut your heads off –

Wanda Sykes:  Boy this muthaf*#$% is hard core.  I need him in L.A. for protection against the Crips and the Bloods! [laugh track]

Barack Obama:  But they can’t die after 2011 when I pull our troops out. [Applause]

Thank you Osama.  Wanda, who is our next guest?

Wanda Sykes:  Our next guest is Khalid Sheik Mohammed.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed:  Thank you it is an honor to be here and out of Gitmo. [Applause]

Wanda Sykes:  Hey, muthaf#*#@ what is that strapped around your belt? You got muthaf#*%*@^ cookies or something?

Khalid Sheik Mohammed:  ALLAH AKBAR!!!!!  ALLAH AKBAR!!!!! [Explosion]

END OF TRANSMISSION

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