“Sometimes you win.  Sometimes you lose.  Sometimes it rains.” ~ Bull Durham

I woke up today to overcast skies.  No problem I says.  It’s not like I live in Oregon.  So I took the  no. 6 train up to the  Bronx.  The Yankees were playing the Seattle Mariners.

The Yankees started Carlston Charles Sabathia (17-5 3.02 ERA) while the team that represents the water sogged west coast started Luke “Use the force” French (2-4 4.57 ERA.)  Normally I’d be worried about this since the Yankees cannot beat unknown pitchers.

Anyway after wiping off my soggy seat I sat down to watch good baseball as it was meant to be played.  It was a pitchers duel for the first 3 1/2 innings. The first score was Austin “You’re kidding?  He plays for the Yankees?” Kearns who hit a solo  home run in the bottom of the fourth. 1-0 Yankees after four.

Carlton Charles Sabathia finally gave up a hit in the fifth inning as the rain started pouring down.  How bad was the rain?  The phrase raining cats and dogs is such a cliche but I did see a pit bull land in front of me.  He picked himself up, said “ruff” and walked away.  Hey, they are tough dogs.

During the rain in tht bottom of the fifth a walk to Derek Jeter, a double by Nick Swisher brought up an intentional walk to Mark Teixeira.   Now, didn’t Seattle get the email? Twice Tex has been intentionally walked this season and AROD has hit grand slams.  Well, AROD is on the disabled list  (steroids **cough cough**).  Robinson Cano batting fourth hit a grand slam that landed behind me in the bleachers.  5-0 Yankees after five.

Then the rain delay.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

1. Update your Facebook status message to “I yearn tragically for your body .”  Hey, let your friends figure it out.
2. Ask the person next to  you “Are you into it?”
3. Take off all your clothes.  If anyone asks, tell them this is standard behavior for bloggers.
4. Run out onto the field.  Tell the groundskeepers you enjoy being beaten up on national TV.

After 45 minutes the rain delay ended.  But this was not the end of the rain, which came back in the 8th inning.

In the bottom of the sixth the Yankees scored three more runs.  8-0 Yankees after six.

In the seventh  Jorge Posada hit a home run.  9-0 after seven.

In the Eighth  Marcus  Thames singled in Ramiro Peno. Final score: 10-0 Yankees.

Notes on the game:

It rained most of the game.  I know the Yankees were playing Seattle but damn you Seattle!  Stop giving us your left coast socialist weather. Hippies!

Sushi should be banned from all ballparks.  Cigars, however, should not.

Alex Rodriguez did not play, having been placed on the 15 day disabled list.  AROD’s age is catching up to him.  And the down side to steroid use is once you are off them the body deteriorates.   This explains Manny Ramirez’ bitch tits and Nomar Garciaparra’s exploding, separating groin.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Depressed that he has been on the DL for 3 months, Nick Johnson attempted suicide today with a hair dryer, a gerbil and Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.  He was unsuccessful in the attempt though the hair dryer did die.  The Yankee front office is confident, absolutely pretty please suger on top confident that Johnson will be back in the lineup soon.

Recommended reading material:

Lincoln at Cooper Union by Harold Holzer

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I like being naked.  I really do.”

Well, he does work for an accounting firm.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie New York writes, “I killed a customer today.  He made me angry.  Should I feel guilty about this?”

Absolutely not.  Unless you killed him before he payed you.  Always get paid first.  Then kill.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Marriage…….includes sexual intercourse.”

Obviously Tom’s never been married.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 10-7.  My next game is Monday September 6th against the Baltimore “We suck, even with Buck Showalter” Orioles.

Go Yankees!

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“You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock.  You’ve got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance.  That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.” ~ Earl Weaver

Tonight the Yankees played game two of their set against the Detroit “I thought cities were supposed to burn” Tigers.  Before the game there was a moment of silence for the Staten Island Scot, Bobby Thomson, who hit the “shot heard round the world” in 1951 defeating the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Rest in Peace Bobby.  Though, of course once he arrived in Heaven he was beaten up by Jackie Robinson and Roy Campanella.  Hey, payback’s a bitch.

On to the game.  The Yankees started Carlton Charles Sabathia, (16-5 3.12 ERA) while the Detroit “Your move punk” Tigers started Justin Verlander (13-8 3.77.)  And of course with two such starting pitchers what can be the result?  Why a walk fest of course.  Verlander was wild from the beginning, walking the bases loaded in the first before a Nick Swisher single scored Brett Gardner and Derek Jeter.

But before that  happened former Yankee top prospect Austin Jackson, who was traded for Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson started the game by hitting a home run on the first pitch.  This was only his second home run in the majors.  Yeah, how’s that trade looking now Brian Cashman?

The Yankees countered in the bottom of the first on the aforementioned Nick Swisher single.  2-1 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the second Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, perhaps trying to impress the Yankees before they trade him in the off season homered.  3-1 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the sixth Derek “I have sex with bony supermodels” Jeter singled in Brett “I am not losing my hair.  Stop looking at it!” Gardner. 4-1 Yankees after six.

Detroit got a run back in the top of the seventh when Brandon “Not a nerd first name” Inge homered.  However the Yankees countered with two runs in the bottom of the inning on a Robinson Cano home run and a Ramiro Pena, who was playing in place of the rapidly aging AROD,  sacrifice that scored Nick Swisher.  Final score:  Yankees 6 Detroit 2.

Notes on the game:

Alex Rodriguez did not start.  Apparently he intends to hold out until his social security checks start arriving in the mail.

This series marked the return of Johnny “My agent sodomized me” Damon, who turned down a two-year 14 million dollar deal to sign with the Tigers for one year at eight million.  Damon’s stroke was tailor-made for the new stadium.  The Yankees miss him and he misses the Yankees.

Of course to make up for Damon’s loss the Yankees signed Nick “Injury Watch: see below” Johnson.  You’re kidding right? Nick Johnson?  When Nick’s mother gave birth to him Johnson got the stretch marks.

Celebrity watch:

Tyra Banks was at the game.  No word on whether she beat up any of her assistants.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing before the game Nick was attacked by Francisco Rodriguez who beat him senseless.  While waiting for an ambulance Johnson had his face ripped off by a stray wolverine. The Yankee brain trust is confident, absolutely confident, really really confident that this will in no way affect his return to the lineup.

Speaking of KROD did you hear about the latest Met promotion?  The first 10,000 fans who beat up their girlfriend’s father get a free seat upgrade courtesy of the NYPD.

As if we didn’t need further proof KROD is an asshole.

Recommended reading material:

The Parallel Sayings of Groucho Marx and John Lennon, edited by Joey Green.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Astoria Queens writes, “Baseball sucks.  Football is the greatest game ever.”

I apologize for T.S. readers.  Obviously he is a subversive mother.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I thought Philadelphia would embrace my nudist tendencies.  I guess not.  Time to move back to New Jersey.”

That depends on where you are nude.  As I said before, no nudity by school bus stops.  Other than that, I’m sure Philadelphia will love you.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “A sexual sinner intends to enjoy sexual pleasure.”

And who said philosophy was boring.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 9-7.  My next game is Sunday August 22nd against the Seattle “Who’ll stop the rain” Mariners.

Go Yankees!

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