The Five Stages of Manhattan Infidel

A user at his laptop views my site and becomes my pawnAs part of my long, single minded, ruthless and implacable march towards world domination (interrupted only by trips to the refrigerator to grab beer and long sojourns on my couch eating potato chips) I created the Manhattan Infidel web site.  My plan is proceeding on schedule and with any luck by 2014 the world will be mine.

Everyone who stumbles upon my blog becomes a Manhattan Infidel acolyte.  Your soul is mine.  There is no escaping it.  However I am legally obligated to explain the process of indoctrination.  So for your pleasure I present the Five Stages of Manhattan Infidel.

Stage 1 – Denial.

Stage 1 acolytes are those who have accidentally stumbled upon Manhattan Infidel while searching for porn, information on how to dispose of a body or pictures of the 19th President of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes.Rutherford B. Hayes.  I wonder what he looks like naked?

People in this stage are in deep denial, which at best is only a temporary defense.  “How did this happen to me?  Why am I on this site?  Where are the pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes?  I’m never coming back to Manhattan Infidel again!”

However, try as they might, they soon return.  And this brings them to stage two.

Stage 2 – Anger.

Stage 2 acolytes recognize that denial cannot continue.  Because of their anger they can be difficult to be around.  Feelings of rage and envy fill them as they think of all the time they should be spending looking at photos of Rutherford B. HayesRutherford B. Hayes.  I wonder what he looks like naked? and not checking out Manhattan Infidel.

“Who is to blame for my yearning to go to Manhattan Infidel?  How can this happen to me?  If my friends find out they will never speak about Rutherford B. Hayes to me again.”

Try as they might, the anger soon yields to stage three.

Stage 3 – Bargaining.

Stage 3 acolytes are consumed with a desire to reform their lives.  Usually the negotiation is with a higher power.   Psychologically the individual is saying “I understand I am useless in the grips of the madman who is Manhattan Infidel but I promise to spend less time on his site and more time looking at photos of Rutherford B. Hayes.Rutherford B. Hayes.  I wonder what he looks like naked?

But the bargaining will fail of course.  This brings us to stage four.

Stage 4 – Depression.

At stage 4, my acolytes are almost totally under my power.  They often get extremely depressed.  They rarely shower and lose all interest in communicating with loved ones.   “I’m so sad.  What’s the point.  Why bother with anything” they  often say to themselves.  Many totally abandon looking at pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes, “I’m not worthy” and instead begin looking online for pictures of 20th President James Garfield. James Garfield, a poor substitute for Rutherford B. Hayes

It is not recommended to interact with a person in this stage of Manhattan Infidel.  This brings us to the fifth and final stage of Manhattan Infidel:  Acceptance.

Stage 5 – Acceptance.

Stage 5 acolytes are now full-fledged members of the Manhattan Infidel empire.   People in this stage have come to terms with their new lives.  “It’s going to be okay.  I can’t fight it.  I might as well prepare for it” they say.  Or they will try to convert their friends to Manhattan Infidel.  Many spend their waking hours wondering what they can do to hasten Manhattan Infidel’s total world domination.  Of course, being human they try to maintain some semblance of their past lives.  Hence the looking online for pictures of 15th President James Buchanan.James Buchanan often accompanies stage 5 of manhattan infidel

I welcome their attempt at normalcy as it makes it easier for me to bend their will to my plans.

And now that I have fullfilled my legal obligation I now return you to your online searching for photos of James Buchanan.


12 Responses

  1. Dragongrrl says:

    Hey, wait a minute! Are you sure Rutherford B. Hayes and James Garfield aren’t the same person? They sure look exactly alike. Have they ever been photographed together? I smell a conspiracy! Oh, gotta go. For some reason, I have the irresistable urge to search for pictures of Millard Fillmore.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Millard Fillmore? That’s stage six. That only happens AFTER the world is mine.

  3. Matt says:

    Does Taft come just before the apocalypse?

    BTW, I have to be totally controlled by now. I even publish your stuff at my place. I feel so…used.

  4. Karen Howes says:

    I’m now looking up pictures of Ulysses Grant… is that bad? What stage is that?

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Your soul has been a very valuable way of further indoctrinating the masses. When I do take over the world you will be given special privileges.

    Karen: Your on stage 1.5: The “What the heck could go wrong at Cold Harbor” phase.

  6. Matthew says:

    How dare you insult Saint James Buchanan!

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Buchanan was from Pennsylvania. Nothing good ever comes from Pennsylvania. Well, except for Tommy Dorsey that is.

  8. KingShamus says:

    Question 1: I’m searching for pictures of Rutherford B. Hayes’ Secretary of State’s wife’s nanny. What stage am i in now?

    Question 2: Will I at least be able to get a t-shirt out of this madness?

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KS: That’s the creepy stalker stage.

    yes. t shirts are coming for all my acolytes.

  10. Matt says:

    I get a special place in the new order? Yippee!

    I am however, from PA, so I’ve very confused.

  11. Manhattan Infidel says:

    matt: We can overlook your PA origins for the greater good of my new world order.

  12. Antidromic says:

    James Garfield looks nothing like Rutherford B. Hayes. Granted his beard is a close second after Hayes for the most bad ass facial hair an American President has ever had, however he is a weak ineffectual man in comparison with Hayes. If you aren’t looking up photos of Rutherford B. Hayes as you should be then at least be looking up photos of the 26th Vice President Charles Warren Fairbanks! Now there’s a shrewd right hand man if I’ve ever seen one.
    If only he’d been born earlier so he could have served under Hayes instead of that dunder head William Wheeler; and don’t even get me started on that Chester A. Arthur! Sure Garfield was nothing compared with Hayes, but he was at least better than that pathetic dough just loafing about until he stumbled into Presidency!

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