Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise was unsuccessful today in an attempt to sync his contacts with his new Starfleet-issued Comm Badge.

Reports indicate that the trouble started when Picard picked up his new comm badge and tried to use it without first reading the instructions.

Picard:  At last, my new comm badge.  I don’t know why it took my so long to get a new one.  (Pressing badge.) Hello.  Number One to my ready room immediately.  Number One to my ready room.

Luigi’s:  Hello.  You want a number one special?  With salad or pasta?

Picard:  Hello? Number One can you hear me?

Liugi’s:  Yes we can hear you.  Do you want salad or pasta with your number one?

Picard:  Commander Riker are you funning me?  I am speaking with Commander Riker, am I not?

Luigi’s:  This is Luigi’s Pizzeria.  Do you want salad or pasta?

Picard:  (Ending call).  There must be something wrong with my badge.

Captain Picard then attempted to get Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge involved.

Picard:  Geordi my comm badge isn’t working.  None of my contacts are on it.  What does your visor tell you?

La Forge:  Captain my visor isn’t picking up anything unusual. 

Picard:  Well there must be something wrong.  I want you to run a level four diagnostic of all systems on board.

La Forge:  (Sarcastically.)  Yeah, I’ll get riiiiiiiiigggggght on it Sir.

Picard:  Make that your top priority.

La Forge:  Of course sir.  (Under his breath.)  Right after lunch you old clueless buffoon.

Picard:  What was that?

La Forge:  I said have you tried calling the Help Desk?  They might be able to help you.

It was at this point that Picard made a call to the Enterprise’s Help Desk.

Help Desk:  Hello how may I assist you?

Picard:  My new goddamn comm badge isn’t working.  I just got this thing. This piece of shit.  I don’t understand what the problem is.

Help Desk:  Sir I’m going to need you to calm down and tell me what the issue is.  

Picard:  I don’t have any of my contacts.  None of my contacts have been imported.

Help Desk:  Did you attach it to your laptop?

Picard:  Was I supposed to?

Help Desk:  Do you have your USB cable?

Picard:  My what?

Help Desk:  May I have your name sir.

Picard:  Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of this ship.

Help Desk:  Oh, so you wear a red uniform? You’re in the Command Department?  I’m sorry but this is the Help Desk for the Security Division.  You’re going to have to call India. I can transfer you now.

Picard:  No wait -(Call transferred.)

India Help Desk:  Hello am I speaking with Captain Picard?

Picard:  Yes.  My comm badge isn’t working.  You had better fix it now!

India Help Desk:  Please hold (placing Picard on hold.)  They gave him another comm badge?  What the hell?  It’s bad enough he got captured by the Borg and they reverse engineered his old comm badge but then he was captured by the Cardassians and they reverse engineered his second comm badge.  I hope he gets captured again.  Let them try and reverse engineer male pattern baldness. (Taking Picard off hold.)  Hello?  Hello?  I don’t believe it.  The dumb shit hung up.

After his call to the Help Desk Picard became angry and started throwing the furniture around in his ready room, shouting “resistance is futile” over and over.

Commander Riker:  Dr. Crusher to the bridge.  The Captain’s at it again.

Dr. Crusher:  I’m busy. I left some hyposprays filled with Demerol under the Captain’s chair.  They should calm him down.

Captain Picard was then administered a hypospray and ordered to take an immediate vacation on Orion IV.

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