Cash-strapped New York State Finds Novel Ways of Raising Cash

Eat it.  But don’t slice it.Customers in a popular Manhattan deli were surprised to find that if they wanted their bagel sliced it now cost 9 cents extra.  Also, if bagels are eaten in the store, even if not touched by a knife or sliced, they cost extra.

Running a 14 billion dollar deficit and with a lame-duck governor feuding with both houses of the state legislature the state Department of Taxation and Finance has started enforcing obscure laws such as the one just mentioned.

“We have to come up with cash somehow” said Jamie Woodward, acting Commissioner of the Department.  “I know New Yorkers love their bagels but this is a sacrifice we all must make to keep me employed.  I mean, to keep the state infrastructure running.  And this is just the first step.  We intend to use this principle on other goods to keep me employed.  I mean, to keep the precious goods and services our residents have come to expect up and running.”

Among the ways the state intends to raise cash include:

  • Prostitution.  All men who visit prostitutes and are serviced on location will have to pay a 15 percent tax.  However, if they take the prostitute back to a hotel room the tax does not apply.
  • Serial Killers.  All serial killers will be subject to a tax if they use a knife and/or cut their victims in half.   “We’re quite excited about this” said Woodward.  “It has the potential to raise hundreds of millions.”
  • Tour buses will be subject to a tax if they hit and kill a pedestrian.  “Mucho mucho dinero” said a gleeful Woodward.
  • Tourists will be have to pay the state every time they are shot at.  “They want an authentic New York experience?  Let them pay for it. We’re not running a goddamn charity here.”
  • The Staten Island Ferry will have to pay a tax every time it smashes into the dock, killing and/or maiming those on board.  “We know our ferry boat captains are all on drugs.  Why not use this to raise revenue?”
  • Taxi drivers who have ties to Al-Qaeda will pay a tax.  “Well, this is a no-brainer” said Woodward.

Meanwhile, a group calling itself the Bagel Liberation Front held a protest on Wall Street.

“Today they come for our bagels.  Tomorrow they’ll come for our double lattes!” said a spokesman.

He was arrested and his taxes were raised 15 percent.



7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    …when they can pry the bagel from my cold. dead. hands.!!!

  2. KingShamus says:

    God bless the BLF.

    Can they picket Mayor Mike just to bug him for a while?

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Unfortunately this post was based on a real news story. NY state IS taxing slliced bagels. Ah the joy of taxes to pay for socialism

    KS: One does not picket Mayor Mike. That would be illegal. You still think you live in a Republic?

  4. Matt says:

    Why don’t they levy a “pretentious liberal twit tax?” That’ll solve the problem once and for all.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I like that idea, but I fear the power all the money would give us.

  6. Matthew says:

    And ban salt while you’re at it!

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matthew: Ban salt? Ban Angelina Jolie? Why that’s just crazy talk!

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