“You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock.  You’ve got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance.  That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.” ~ Earl Weaver

Tonight the Yankees played game two of their set against the Detroit “I thought cities were supposed to burn” Tigers.  Before the game there was a moment of silence for the Staten Island Scot, Bobby Thomson, who hit the “shot heard round the world” in 1951 defeating the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Rest in Peace Bobby.  Though, of course once he arrived in Heaven he was beaten up by Jackie Robinson and Roy Campanella.  Hey, payback’s a bitch.

On to the game.  The Yankees started Carlton Charles Sabathia, (16-5 3.12 ERA) while the Detroit “Your move punk” Tigers started Justin Verlander (13-8 3.77.)  And of course with two such starting pitchers what can be the result?  Why a walk fest of course.  Verlander was wild from the beginning, walking the bases loaded in the first before a Nick Swisher single scored Brett Gardner and Derek Jeter.

But before that  happened former Yankee top prospect Austin Jackson, who was traded for Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson started the game by hitting a home run on the first pitch.  This was only his second home run in the majors.  Yeah, how’s that trade looking now Brian Cashman?

The Yankees countered in the bottom of the first on the aforementioned Nick Swisher single.  2-1 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the second Curtis “Epic Fail” Granderson, perhaps trying to impress the Yankees before they trade him in the off season homered.  3-1 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the sixth Derek “I have sex with bony supermodels” Jeter singled in Brett “I am not losing my hair.  Stop looking at it!” Gardner. 4-1 Yankees after six.

Detroit got a run back in the top of the seventh when Brandon “Not a nerd first name” Inge homered.  However the Yankees countered with two runs in the bottom of the inning on a Robinson Cano home run and a Ramiro Pena, who was playing in place of the rapidly aging AROD,  sacrifice that scored Nick Swisher.  Final score:  Yankees 6 Detroit 2.

Notes on the game:

Alex Rodriguez did not start.  Apparently he intends to hold out until his social security checks start arriving in the mail.

This series marked the return of Johnny “My agent sodomized me” Damon, who turned down a two-year 14 million dollar deal to sign with the Tigers for one year at eight million.  Damon’s stroke was tailor-made for the new stadium.  The Yankees miss him and he misses the Yankees.

Of course to make up for Damon’s loss the Yankees signed Nick “Injury Watch: see below” Johnson.  You’re kidding right? Nick Johnson?  When Nick’s mother gave birth to him Johnson got the stretch marks.

Celebrity watch:

Tyra Banks was at the game.  No word on whether she beat up any of her assistants.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing before the game Nick was attacked by Francisco Rodriguez who beat him senseless.  While waiting for an ambulance Johnson had his face ripped off by a stray wolverine. The Yankee brain trust is confident, absolutely confident, really really confident that this will in no way affect his return to the lineup.

Speaking of KROD did you hear about the latest Met promotion?  The first 10,000 fans who beat up their girlfriend’s father get a free seat upgrade courtesy of the NYPD.

As if we didn’t need further proof KROD is an asshole.

Recommended reading material:

The Parallel Sayings of Groucho Marx and John Lennon, edited by Joey Green.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Astoria Queens writes, “Baseball sucks.  Football is the greatest game ever.”

I apologize for T.S. readers.  Obviously he is a subversive mother.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I thought Philadelphia would embrace my nudist tendencies.  I guess not.  Time to move back to New Jersey.”

That depends on where you are nude.  As I said before, no nudity by school bus stops.  Other than that, I’m sure Philadelphia will love you.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “A sexual sinner intends to enjoy sexual pleasure.”

And who said philosophy was boring.

Anyway, my record this year stands at 9-7.  My next game is Sunday August 22nd against the Seattle “Who’ll stop the rain” Mariners.

Go Yankees!

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