A buffalo, perhaps not realizing the implications of its actions, gored and killed a veteran conservationist today.
“I don’t understand why the buffalo killed him” said a friend. “He devoted his entire life to helping oppressed buffalo. He just wanted to make their lives better. And get massive government grants.”
The buffalo, hungry and perhaps angered over past wrongs inflicted upon his species by mankind, charged the conservationist, gored, crushed and mocked him before racing off.
Reaction to the conservationist’s death was swift.
“I don’t want to blame the buffalo” said a fellow conservationist “but they just don’t appreciate all we do for them. The buffalo seem quite grouchy nowadays.”
Another conservationist spoke of possible remedies.
“Look, the only way we are going to get these buffalo to appreciate what we do for them is to ram our reforms down their throats. More power. That’s the key. We’re not satisfied with all we’ve done. The way to cure that is to give us more authority.”
He then reeled off the reforms that have been implemented so far:
- All animals in the park have been removed so that the buffalo can adopt a healthier vegetarian lifestyle.
- Tracts have been distributed throughout the park bearing the message “I’m a buffalo and I’m beautiful.“
- Freedom of religion for buffalo has been implemented. “We also intend to build a buffalo church on the site of the goring to show the buffalo that we are not their enemy.”
- Spraying with insecticides has been banned. “The buffalo and the tsetse fly should be friends. Oh the buffalo and the tsetse fly should be friends. One like to roam the plains the other likes to spread sleeping sickness but that’s no reason that they can’t be friends. Territory animals should stick together. Territory animals should all be pals.”
The Government has announced that the death of the conservationist will not deter their policy to help the buffalo and that they will in fact redouble their efforts.
“Helping them is a moral issue. But we understand buffalo are grumpy.”
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Look, the Buffalo hold to an ancient way of life. We can’t question these noble, conservationist-goring creatures and their unique culture.
KS: Can a buffalo casino be far behind?
We should invite them to Tea Party events. Let’s see some SEIU goon try to mess with a Buffalo!
Matt but not Dan: It is a well-known fact that buffalo favor small, limited government.