Dateline Rome. August 26th 410:
Rome, the eternal city was sacked today by Visigoths, a normally peaceful tribe. As the Visigoths poured into the city, stunned Roman citizens wondered who was responsible for the first sacking of the city in almost 800 years.
Many pointed the finger of blame at the previous emperor, Georgicus Bushius.
“Everyone knows his racist policies increased the hostility of the outside world to Rome” said a senator allied with the current emperor, Barackian Obamanus. “Between killing them in illegal wars and denying them the right to migrate to Rome it’s no wonder the rest of the world has a negative opinion of us.”
Fortunately, Emperor Obamanus’ humane polices moderated the degree of destruction during the sack. While there were unconfirmed reports of looting, pillaging and the occasional rape the city itself was spared complete devastation.
“Everyone knows the emperor is a friend of the Visigoths. He has repeatedly apologized to the Visigoths for wrongs inflicted upon them by Rome in the past. Why when he was a child he even lived for a few years in Visigoth territory” explained the emperor’s press secretary Robertius Gibbsius.
While the sack did alarm citizens the emperor was quick to point out that because of his recently enacted universal health care coverage for all Roman citizens, those who were allegedly injured or violated by the Visigoths would have access to the best doctors, “subject to availability and rationing of course.”
Standing in front of the still-smoldering ruins of the mausoleums of emperors Augustus and Hadrian, “typical Roman people” Obamanus reminded the citizens, he welcomed the Visigoths to the city.
We have nothing at all to worry about. I know many of you are fearful and cling to crossbows and religion but we can learn a lot from the Visigoths. The Visigoths have many accomplishments to boast about in their native lands. Much of our science, our philosophy, our technical accomplishments derive from them. I know many of you are asking why they sacked us? If only the previous emperor, Bushius, had allowed free migration into our city this would not have happened.
Emperor Obamanus then ended his press conference by announcing that he will be vacationing in Ravenna where he will be playing a few rounds of a new game called “golficus.“
(6786)
That hits a little too close to home.
Our only hope is that Madamian Hilarious Clintonium somehow sets up a palace coup and takes out Obamanus.
Et tu, Hilarious?
The palace coup all depends on whether Hilarious wears the preferred weapon of assassination – the blueis pantius suitibus.
If only the Porkulus would have funded more Visigoth outreach. Then, they could build a giant Visigoth shrine right next to the smoldering ruins. You know…to build bridges!
Bush’s fault!