In advance of President Obama’s planned fund-raising trip to Manhattan the Secret Service has published a new set of operational guidelines.

“Our duty is to protect the President” said Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan.   “And we are going to use the power vested in us by the Constitution to make sure we can do our job.  Actually we might have to go above and beyond what’s authorized in the Constitution.  I don’t know.  I’ve never read it.  I like histories and westerns myself.”

The following rules are binding on all Americans.

• During a President’s trip to any city, all citizens of said city must remain motionless.

We don’t like people walking or talking or moving about.  It makes our job difficult.  So from the moment POTUS arrives in a city until he leaves all citizens must maintain the same exact position.  Except for the Mexicans of course.  We’ll need them to deliver the pizza.

•  People who have the first name of Dan will be arrested and placed in a concrete bath up to their head.

Our profilers assure us that people named Dan are subversive mothers.  By placing them in concrete we assure the President’s safety.

• Minefields will be placed in all school playgrounds.

This is controversial I know but if a few kids have to get blown to pieces to ensure the safety of POTUS, who can object to that.  Yes, the parents might object but if their first names are Dan we already got that covered.

• Metal will be banned.

Metal is a dangerous, dangerous substance.  Accordingly giant magnets will be placed East, West, North and South of any city POTUS visits.  The magnets will be turned on and any metal in the city will be captured.  Hopefully the citizens of the city have giant magnets covered in their car insurance.  If not they should.  Except for the people named Dan.  They won’t need cars when they are encased in concrete.

Director Sullivan states that he knows some of these provisions might be unpopular but they are necessary.

“I have great respect for our Constitution.  But as a Federal employee I’m not bound by what the Constitution may or may not say.”

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