Hitting the campaign trail in the weeks before the midterm elections, President Obama has a new message for the public.

“This is the autumn of recovery” Obama told cheering supporters.   “The Republicans don’t want you to know about the good economic news.   My policies are responsible for this.”

As the Secret Service patrolled the crowd, looking for those who oppose the President, aides handed out portable fans to the crowd in case anyone felt faint.

“Because of my stimulus plan, the unemployment rate has risen to ten percent.  Without the stimulus the unemployment rate would have remained at seven percent.  You see, that’s an increase.  I take full responsibility for that.”

Someone in the crowd reminded the President that unemployment rates are supposed to go down.  The President glared at the man  and accused him of playing politics.

“You see.  This man comes here with his talking points. He’s a Republican plant.”

As the crowd booed the man President Obama asked him what college he went to.  The man answered that he went to a state university.

“A state university? Well, I guess that makes you an expert on the economy” the President sarcastically answered.  “Unlike you, I’ve been to Harvard.  That makes me an expert.”

After the man was taken away by Secret Service agents, President Obama then went on to talk about his signature health care overhaul.

“The Republicans also don’t want you to know that everyone now has access to cheaper health care.”

A man identifying himself as a small business owner told the President that his premiums have actually gone up since the health care overhaul.

“What is it with the Republicans?” the President responded.  “They aren’t interested in debate.  All they have is their petty politics.  I won the election.  I won.  I’m the President.  The Republicans treat me like a dog!”

The President ended the rally by reminding people that “our unsupportable debt will not bankrupt this country for at least ten years.  If I hadn’t signed the stimulus we’d be bankrupt in 20 years, thanks to George Bush.  You see, again my policies have moved things up.”

As the President left the stage, the Secret Service handed out bread to those in attendance, “courtesy of the Emperor.  I mean the President.”

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Ceremonies marking the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks were held at Ground Zero in lower Manhattan.  As bagpipes played the names of all the victims were read aloud.  A prayer was said.  Then Mayor Bloomberg stepped to the podium and began his remarks.

“If the attacks on that day have proven anything it is that human life is frail” the Mayor said. “Which is why it is incumbent upon the government to guide its citizens to a healthy lifestyle.”

The Mayor then pulled an item out from his pocket.

This is a human bone.  Specifically a fragment of a femur that was discovered recently during renovations on the roof of a building across from Ground Zero. But this is not just any human bone.  Extensive DNA testing has proven that this fragment of a femur belonged to Mohammed Atta.

At the mention of Atta’s name the crowd became restless and started to boo.

Shut up people.  Just shut up!  Your Mayor is addressing you.  Yes this femur belongs to Mohammed Atta but you know what is most remarkable about it? The DNA testing showed a low sodium content in this bone.  This proves that Islam is a religion of peace and a religion of healthy dietary choices.  We as Americans can learn a lot from Mohammed Atta.  Clearly he led a disciplined life.  His rejection of sodium gluttony was just one of many admirable personality traits.  And that is why I am taking this opportunity to declare war on salt.  It is the greatest enemy facing New Yorkers today.  Henceforth I am decreeing that all citizens must undergo mandatory sodium testing.  Those found to have unhealthy levels in their system will have their diets strictly monitored.

The Mayor concluded his speech by announcing that City employees will be moving among the crowd and swabbing the inside of everyone’s mouth for DNA.

“It’s for your own good” the Mayor said.

He also announced that the Freedom Tower will be renamed the “Mohammed Atta Healthy Lifestyle Choices Tower.”

The crowd then rioted.

A spokesman for the Mayor blamed the riots on “backward thinking racists who oppose the religion of peace and who were probably all hopped up on some sort of crazy sodium high.”

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With less than eight weeks until the presidential election of 1840 and trailing in the polls to the Whig challenger William Henry Harrison, President Martin Van Buren has accused his opponents of being motivated by racism.

With the United States mired in its worst recession in 20 years many pundits are predicting an easy Whig triumph.  However not wanting to concede the election, President Van Buren has mounted an offensive against the Whigs.

“The Whig party is the exclusive domain of Americans of English ancestry.  Look at my opponent’s last name:  Harrison!” he said during a campaign rally.   “They are a noninclusive party.  Only the Democratic party is all inclusive.  Only the Democrats are open to all white men of Northern European origin.”

The Whigs dismissed Van Buren’s argument as that of a desperate politician who knows he is going to lose and lose badly.

“Look at what the Democrats have done to our economy” said Whig Henry Clay.  “Under the Democrats our debt has become unsupportable. Our economy is shrinking. Our dollar is dropping. And this President does nothing.”

The Democrats countered by distributing pamphlets touting their accomplishments and membership.

As opposed to the Whigs, the Democrats come from all over Northern Europe.  We are a gorgeous mosaic of Dutch, Belgians, Danish, Luxembourgians, Swedish, Norwegians, Prussians, Russians, Swiss and yes, even the French.  Where do the Whigs come from?  England and Scotland!   A party with such a monolithic ethnic makeup cannot be sensitive to the needs of all Americans.

The Whigs dismissed the pamphlets as “propaganda unworthy of our Republic. This is the mark of a desperate politician.  He wants to shift the focus off of his record and end all debate by calling his opponents racist.”

President Van Buren for his part has said that his opponents better get used to having him around.

“I’m Dutch.  I’m proud and I’m beautiful.”

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The Ku Klux Klan announced today that it has bought property next to the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, which it bombed in 1963 to build a 13-story “cross of bridge-building.”

The projected cross has generated intense partisan controversy.  Many opponents say that building the cross so close to the site of the bombing would be insensitive to the memory of the victims of the attack.

“I can’t believe they would even think of doing this” said a local black pastor.  “Are they crazy?  This isn’t about building bridges.  They want to put a cross up at the site of one of their victories.”

However, the Grand Dragon of the local Klan disputes this and argues that those who oppose the cross are violating cherished American principles.

Whatever happened to freedom of religion in this country?  I thought we were guaranteed that.  The people who oppose this cross are ignorant.  And they are racists.  Where is the funding to the opposition of the cross coming from?  Can anyone tell me that?  They should be investigated.  The right-wing Republicans are behind it I bet. This is not a cross of victory.  It’ll be an outreach center.  We’ll have books on the Klan, water fountains for hot days (separate white and colored of course), pamphlets warning of the dangers of miscegenation and a shooting range. 

Despite the Klan’s appeal to reason and American values opposition to the cross has grown among the intolerant.  Protesters took to the street carrying signs denouncing the proposed 13-story cross.

As tensioned escalated the Governor of Alabama suggested that the Klan move their cross to a different location, out of respect for the feelings of others.

“No one is denying the Klan the important bedrock American right to freedom of religion.  But perhaps a different location would help diffuse tension.”

The Mayor of Birmingham entered the fray on the side of the Klan.

“That we should even be debating this is ridiculous.  Some people just need to shut up.”

Meanwhile the Grand Dragon reiterated his reasons for building the cross.

“Life is all about building bridges” he said before leaving on a fund-raising tour.

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