Ceremonies marking the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks were held at Ground Zero in lower Manhattan. As bagpipes played the names of all the victims were read aloud. A prayer was said. Then Mayor Bloomberg stepped to the podium and began his remarks.
“If the attacks on that day have proven anything it is that human life is frail” the Mayor said. “Which is why it is incumbent upon the government to guide its citizens to a healthy lifestyle.”
The Mayor then pulled an item out from his pocket.
This is a human bone. Specifically a fragment of a femur that was discovered recently during renovations on the roof of a building across from Ground Zero. But this is not just any human bone. Extensive DNA testing has proven that this fragment of a femur belonged to Mohammed Atta.
At the mention of Atta’s name the crowd became restless and started to boo.
Shut up people. Just shut up! Your Mayor is addressing you. Yes this femur belongs to Mohammed Atta but you know what is most remarkable about it? The DNA testing showed a low sodium content in this bone. This proves that Islam is a religion of peace and a religion of healthy dietary choices. We as Americans can learn a lot from Mohammed Atta. Clearly he led a disciplined life. His rejection of sodium gluttony was just one of many admirable personality traits. And that is why I am taking this opportunity to declare war on salt. It is the greatest enemy facing New Yorkers today. Henceforth I am decreeing that all citizens must undergo mandatory sodium testing. Those found to have unhealthy levels in their system will have their diets strictly monitored.
The Mayor concluded his speech by announcing that City employees will be moving among the crowd and swabbing the inside of everyone’s mouth for DNA.
“It’s for your own good” the Mayor said.
He also announced that the Freedom Tower will be renamed the “Mohammed Atta Healthy Lifestyle Choices Tower.”
The crowd then rioted.
A spokesman for the Mayor blamed the riots on “backward thinking racists who oppose the religion of peace and who were probably all hopped up on some sort of crazy sodium high.”
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Sodium: Is there any type of civil disturbance it can’t cause?
KS: Let us not forget that the first death of a red shirt on Star Trek:TOS was the result of salt.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0708469/
So maybe our nanny state mayor/dictator for life is right in preventing the common man from engaging in salt gluttony.
Salt: The terror compound!
Matt: That is a racist comment. Everyone knows that salt is a compound of peace!
As hard as it is to laugh on this day, brother you made me do it. Thank you. Best, Snark.
I’ve said this before, but these days it’s getting so hard to tell satire from news….
KH: As long as our once-proud Republic is run by the self-appointed aristocracy of our “betters” it will be hard to distinguish parody from real news.
Pass the salt.
Mark: You salt libertine!