Bomb-Sniffing Dogs Balk at Mission

A bomb sniffing dog has doubts about his missionIn the latest disturbing trend on the front lines in Iraq, Afghanistan and here at home, once loyal dogs trained as bomb-sniffers have been going rogue.  Some have refused to sniff.  Others have taken a more activist approach, strapping bombs to themselves and blowing up handlers.  Still others abandon all pretense to dignity, chasing cars or their tails.

“I don’t know what’s going on” said one dog trainer.  “They used to love sniffing out bombs.  But lately they just don’t enjoy it. It’s almost like they’d rather be eating bacon or sniffing other dogs at the dog walk.”

One dog, named “Ralph” by his handlers went on a barking rampage before setting off explosives attached to his body.  Fortunately for code-breakers, the barking was caught on tape:

Ruff.  Ruff….ruff ruff ruff ruff……..ruff.  Growl.  Ruff.  Ruff.  Ruff…..ruff…..ruff….ruff.  Growl.  Bark!  Ruff.  Ruff.  Ruff….ruff ruff ruff………ruff.  Growl.  Ruff.  Ruff.

The tape was immediately sent to a special code-breaking division at the Department of Defense known as “Parsing the Ruffs.”

“If you notice there is a rapid fire sequence of ruffs.  Then a pause.  Then a growl” said a code-breaker.  “This can only mean one thing.  The dogs have turned against us.  It is the time of the rise of the animals. I have dreaded this moment my entire life.  Or, perhaps the dog just wanted some bacon.  But I’m pretty sure it’s about the rise of the animals.”

The rise of the animals appears to be not just limited to dogs.  One suburban couple tells of a strange encounter:

My wife is a good cook and has a delicious Chilean Sea Bass recipe.  We were eating it when I looked over at my fish tank and the fish had held up a sign that said “You’re eating my cousin!”  They then jumped out of the fish tank, walked over to me and bitch-slapped my wife and I with their gills.  My wife was so distraught she left me for a man with more money.  Though I think that may have been unrelated.  I’m afraid of fish now.  I’ve barricaded myself in the bedroom and I’m waiting until the zombies eat me. 

An apartment-dweller in Queens, New York writes:

The other day I noticed my cat online buying ginsu knives.  This surprised me because I didn’t know my cat could use a computer.  I asked her why she was buying knives and she said “meow.”  I think that is an insult in cat language.  She also has a blog dedicated to overthrowing humans.  And another one about the New York Yankees.  I’m a Met fan so I was more worried about the Yankee blog.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates when asked about Pentagon contingency plans in case of a rise of the animals told reporters, “We have none.  I urge all Americans to remain calm and wait for the zombies to eat them.”

A spokesman for the zombies denies any interest in eating humans.

 “Any such speculation is just pure racism on the part of living people.”


4 Responses

  1. Remember, there are five “A’s” in RAAAAACISM.

  2. Karen Howes says:

    Oh damn. I guess this means that when my dogs beg at the dinner table, I’d better give them their own plates or else.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: I thought there were 6 “A’s” in raaaaaacism. But we can all agree that we are all raaaaaaacist.

    KH: Your dog ain’t begging. He’s probing your defenses. Beware!

  4. Matt says:

    Why am I thinking of Planet of the Apes?

    Also, Muck the Fets!

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>