The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to Avoiding a Speeding Ticket

Don’t panic.  Troopers are just like us only they carry guns and can kill us.It’s happened to all of us.  At some point in your life you will be pulled over by a policeman and given a speeding ticket.  This will lead to a fine and points on your license.  Both of these you naturally want to avoid.  As part of my continuing series that provides life advice to my readers I now present the Manhattan Infidel’s guide to avoiding a speeding ticket.

The first instinct most people have when pulled over is to try and grovel your way out of a ticket.  This is absolutely the wrong thing to do.  Groveling arouses nothing but contempt in the state trooper’s heart.  This is naturally a tense moment as the trooper does not know if you are dangerous.  Try light-hearted banter to diffuse the situation.  I find saying something along these lines is very effective:

  1.  My taxes pay your salary chump.  Let me go and I won’t fire you.
  2. You’re lucky.  Usually I don’t wear pants when I’m driving.
  3. The bloodstains in the back seat?  You should check out the trunk.  Some prostitutes just don’t want to die.
  4. Would you like to see my penis?

Some people however don’t have the personality for banter.  This is nothing to be ashamed of.  If you are one of these people an effective tactic is to feign ignorance and hope you gain the trooper’s sympathy.  When the trooper asks you if you know how fast you were driving you can always respond:

  1. How the hell should I know how fast I was going?  You try taking this much acid and focusing on the speedometer!
  2. I apologize if my excessive speed violated local ordinances.  I’m from New Jersey you see and back home we are allowed to drive 100 miles per hour.
  3. Would you like to see my penis?

One thing I’ve used on a number of occasions is when pulled over I pretend I am from Eastern Europe.  Have an English phrase book with you and when the trooper asks to see your license put on your best accent and say one of the following:

  1.  I am from Albania.  I have cheese for Mexico. 
  2. My anus is very like a whale.  I am not KGB. We have fun.  Yes?
  3. My Eastern European penis is friendly for you.

And there you have it readers.  Just follow my advice and you are virtually guaranteed to get out of a speeding ticket.  It always worked for me (well, before my driver’s license was taken away).

I guess it wasn’t a good idea to get tanked up, drive my SUV into a police station and ask them if they have Sarah Connor.


9 Responses

  1. You should always ask the cops if they have Sarah Connor before you drive the vehicle through the police station.

    That’s just proper etiquette.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: And you expect the coppers to tell the truth. I prefer my method. Shock and awe.

  3. innominatus says:

    The “would you like to see my penis” trick doesn’t work so good when you get pulled over by a cop that looks like Coach Balbricker. And that’s all I’m willing to say about it…

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: In case of situations like that the eastern european thing comes in handy. Grab the guidebook and say (in thick accent): Mr. trooper you misundertand me. I say you look like genius.

  5. Karen Howes says:

    Infidel, only you can have me doubled over laughing at quarter to six in the morning…

  6. Matthew says:

    Most of these work!

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: thanks.

    Matthew: What do you mean MOST work? All of them work. I know. I’ve tried them all.

  8. Matt says:

    The last section reminds me of the “engrish” porn spam that used to land in the spam filter.

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: My east European penis is very friendly for you.

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