Jim Phelp’s Spy Tapes Remastered

Jim Phelps listens to a self-destructing tape

Jim Phelps listens to a self-destructing tape

After three years of painstaking remastering using the latest technology, the tapes sent to Impossible Missions agent Jim Phelps have been declassified and are now available to the general public.

“It took us longer than expected” said the technician in charge of the project.  “Most of the tapes had been doused in acid, burned, blown up, thrown into deep water, crushed or cut into small fragments, tossed into the air and put back together to make a collage on the Sgt. Pepper album.  Keep in mind this was over 40 years ago so the tapes were in pretty bad shape.”

The remastered tapes reveal quite a few surprises.  The enhanced audio shows that Phelps actually misheard a number of his missions.

“It turns out a lot of the time he didn’t have to travel behind the Iron Curtain to depose a dictator.  Most of the assignments were run-of-the-mill, such as picking up the Director’s children from daycare or picking up his suits from the cleaners.  I don’t fault Phelps.  The technology at the time was pretty bad and it was easy to mishear things.”

Among the surprises, the oft-repeated phrase “if you or any of your I.M. Force are caught or killed the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions” was never actually said.  The cleaned up and remastered tapes reveal that the correct wording was “submit  form 27D-15 in triplicate for each agent captured or killed.  As always health benefits terminate the moment of capture.”

Also coming as a shock to technicians was that the phrase “this tape will self-destruct in five seconds.  Good luck Jim” when played backwards sounded like “Paul is dead.  Miss him.  Miss him.”

The remastered tapes will be available on iTunes in October and are expected to be a big seller with the 40ish nerd demographic.

No word on whether Agent Phelps will be held responsible for all the foreign dictators he killed when he should have been picking up the Director’s suits.

When reached at his home in Boca Raton Florida where he lives in retirement with his domestic partner Rollin Hand, Phelps responded, “Do you like gladiator movies?”


3 Responses

  1. MK says:

    “As always health benefits terminate the moment of capture.”

    Even if that wasn’t clearly heard, i’m sure they would have known, bureaucratic scum haven’t changed much in history and good folks are always getting screwed over.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: Very true. Sadly, very very true.

  3. KingShamus says:

    “Have ever spent any time in a Turkish prison?”

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