Recently I was lucky enough to snag an interview with one of the decades most fascinating personalities and one that everyone wants to interview:  the Gulf Oil Spill himself.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  Let’s start out with some basic questions.  How old are you?

GOS:  I’m about 65 million years old.  Give or take a million.

MI:  Wow.  You don’t look a day over 55 million.

GOS:  Thank you.  It pays to be an inert gas sometimes.

MI:  Why the oil spill?  Why now?

GOS:  It all boils down to trying something new.  Sure I’m an abundant reservoir of oil but what I really want to do is direct.  I figured the oil spill would be a good way of promoting myself.  You know, getting my name out there. 

MI:  It seems to have worked.  Any message to the fishermen in the Gulf whose livelihood you put in jeopardy?

GOS:  I do feel badly about that.  But, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.

MI:  You mentioned wanting to break into show business. Have you heard from anyone? 

GOS:  Funny you should mention that.  Yes.  I have heard from a few people.  I have my contacts.  Did you know that Larry King and I are about the same age?

MI: You’re shitting me?

GOS: No, I kid you not. We started out together as microbial deposits and sea sludge.  But Larry wanted to do his own thing.  He said “I’m going on land.  I’m going to evolve and get my own talk show.  Maybe get married seven or eight times.”

MI:  Have you heard from anyone else?

GOS:  Oliver Stone wants to direct a story about my life.  The theme will be “Gulf Oil Spill victim of Jews and Dick Cheney.”   I can’t say I agree with his politics.  But he is a good film maker.  Almost as good as Rob Zombie.

MI:  That he is.  Anybody else contact you?

GOS:  Strangely enough the New York Mets contacted me.  They saw how powerful I was gushing out of the ocean floor and they think I may be the answer to their offensive woes.  But I turned them down. I’m a Cardinals fan actually. And I’d done PEDs. I know they test for that now.

MI:  I don’t want to take much longer of your time but what is next?  What are your immediate plans?

GOS:  I’m a big Saints fan.  Go Drew Brees.  He’s my man so I’m gonna chill out until football season starts.  Maybe start a pottery club.  I like fondue and antiquing.

MI:  Well I thank you for talking to me.

GOS:  No problem, Manhattan Infidel.  You’re my favorite blog not dedicated to Carrie Underwood.

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