“Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us do we not grow bummed? If we eat bad guacamole do we not blow chunks?” ~ William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice.
So tonight your humble correspondent went to Yankee Stadium to see game four of the American League Championship Series between the Yankees (truth, justice, the American way, yada yada yada) and the Texas Rangers. The game did not go as I hoped and now the Yankees are down 3-1 and face elimination in Wednesday afternoon’s game.
The Yankees started A.J. “Headcase” Burnett while the Texas Rangers started Tommy Hunter. Surprisingly, Headcase Burnett actually pitched the better of the two.
The Yankees, proving that they are sadistic bastards who like to tease their fans got on the board first when Robinson Cano homered to deep deep right. After a Nick Swisher strikeout Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman hit a ball that everyone in the stadium knew was foul. From my seat behind the foul pole it obviously was not fair.
But the umpires initially ruled it a home run. Even Berkman was stunned. Stunned no doubt that the umps were forcing him to round the bases. But eventually the umpires withdrew to watch the replay as Berkman was treated by paramedics after a massive heart attack from his unexpected physical exertion. The call was reversed. 1-0 Yankees after two.
Texas scored twice in the top of the third after a lead-off walk to David Murphy and Bengie Molina being hit by a pitch Murphy scored on a fielder’s choice and Molina was singled home by Michael Young. The Yankee came back in the bottom of the inning with one run when Curtis Granderson singled home Derek Jeter. 2-2 after three innings.
In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees reached what would be for them the high-water mark of the game. Brett Gardner grounded into a fielder’s choice, scoring Alex Rodriguez. 3-2 Yankees after four. Hope was high in Yankee land. But the Gods are cruel. Not as cruel as an attack of bleeding piles, but cruel nevertheless.
In the top of the Sixth, civilization as we know it collapsed when Bengie “Really, seriously? When did Bengie become a home run threat?” Molina hit a three run home run off of Burnett. 5-3 Rangers after six.
But not to fear. This is the Yankees. We have another miracle comeback in store, right? Ah, maybe not.
David Robertson was brought in to pitch the top of the seventh for the Yankees and proceeded to pitch effectively, getting the first two outs, which of course can mean only one thing: A pitching change. Boone Logan was brought in and gave up a home run to Josh Hamilton. Girardi took him out of the game after one batter.
Well, when Hamilton hit that home run you could feel the air escaping from Yankee Stadium. Joba Chamberlain, once the future Yankee closer and now relegated to mop up duty was brought in and gave up a hit to Ian Kinsler, which scored Vladimir Guerrero. 7-3 Rangers after seven.
In the top of the ninth Texas continued to dance on the Yankees’ grave, as Josh Hamilton hit his second home run of the game off of seldom used Sergio Mitre, which was followed by a Nelson Cruz home run.
Final score: Texas 10 Yankees 3.
Well the Yankees have dug themselves a hole. Down 3-1 in the best of seven they must win tomorrow and Friday in Texas before facing Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee in a deciding game seven. It’s not unheard of to come back from a 3-1 deficit but I don’t see the Yankees doing it.
Notes on the game:
As mentioned previously, A.J. Burnett actually pitched effectively until he gave up that home run to Bengie Molina in the sixth. Rumor has it that Joe Girardi threatened A.J. before the game: “You better pitch well or the entire team is going to share your wife!’ 
The TBS blimp promoting Conan O’Brien’s new show hovered over the stadium for the entire game. It’s nice to see Conan get a second chance though I do think the “Fuck you NBC” on the side of the blimp was overkill.
Yogi Berra was in attendance which made me think of my favorite “Yogi-ism”: 90 percent of life is burying prostitutes in your back yard. Um, I think that’s a Yogi-ism. If not it should be.
Nick Johnson injury watch:
While watching the game on TV from a Motel 6, clad only in a wife-beater t-shirt and eating a case of chocolate ice cream from a spoon Johnson was tragically burned to death when, after falling asleep, the case of chocolate ice cream melted and set off a spark in the requisite Motel 6 faulty wiring. The Yankees are confident, absolutely confident that chocolate ice cream is delicious.
Recommended reading material:
A Century of Noir: Thirty-two Classic Crime Stories, edited by Mickey Spillane and Max Allen Collins.
Reader mail:
D.B. of Philadelphia Pennsylvania writes, “Today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives will gladly be given in tribute to me. In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live.”
I apologize for D.B. readers. He’s from Philly and probably works for an accounting firm.
M.B. of Brooklyn, New York writes, “I have just been thrown into a Sarlacc and expect to spend the next thousand years being slowly dissolved into nutrients. It’s a painful process. But that’s not what sucks. There is no internet here. How are the Yankees doing?”
M.B. – if there is no internet how did you email me? There is something fishy, or worm-like in your story.
Thomas Aquinas writes, “Unnecessarily and solely for the love of liquor to render ourselves incapable of using our reason is opposed to virtue.”
Unless, of course, you have a blog.
Well, anyway, it is bleak for the Yankees and the season may end with Wednesday’s game. But I hope not. Go Yankees!
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The FDA has tentatively approved gene-altered salmon for consumption in the United States.
