Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with notorious Irish con artist Paul David Hewson.  We discussed a variety of issues including the future of his band U2 and allegations against his ONE Foundation.

MI:  Bono it’s great to meet you.  I’ve been a fan of U2 for years.

Paul Hewson:  Thank you. You have  a big American heart.  Open it up to me.  Contribute to my anti-poverty foundation.  Only the hearts of Americans can help.

MI:  Um.  Thanks.  Speaking of your ONE Foundation there has been criticism of it lately.  Specifically it has been revealed that only 1% of donations have gone to combating poverty.

Paul Hewson:  Well, it is called the “One” Foundation.  You Americans have big hearts but you suck at math.

MI:  With all due respect I don’t think that’s the point.  When people contribute to a charity they expect that their donations will go to a worthy cause and not to line the pockets of employees.

Paul Hewson:  [Standing on table]  Uno, dos, tres, catorce…..I’m at a place called vertigo/Lights go down and all I know/Is that you give me something I can feel/Your love it teaching me how to kneel!

MI: Okay.  If you could get off the table and sit back down I have a few questions.

Paul Hewson:  [Sitting back down] My singing is impressive no?

MI: How is the ONE foundation helping fight poverty in Africa?

Paul Hewson:  I’m Bono dammit!

MI:  Many criticize the large salaries of Foundation employees.  Why couldn’t more money be sent to Africa?

Paul  Hewson:  I am doing my utmost to combat the twin evils of poverty and globalization. I have a program in place to give poor villagers in Africa the complete U2 box set.

MI:  How does this help fight poverty?

Paul Hewson:  I’m Bono Dammit! Kneel before me and live. [Getting back on table] It’s a beautiful day/don’t let it get away/touch me/take me to that other place/teach me, I know I’m not a hopeless case

MI:  Sir if we can continue the interview –

Paul Hewson:  Do you like my sunglasses?  They are very red.  You should open up your big American heart and buy these.  The profits go to my foundation.

MI:  Well that brings me back to my original point. Will the profits go towards combating poverty in Africa?

Paul Hewson:  Please allow me to introduce myself/ I’m a man of wealth and taste/I’ve been around for a long long year/stole many a man’s soul and faith

MI:  That’s not even U2.  That’s the Rolling Stones!

Paul Hewson:  Doesn’t matter.  They wrote the song about me.

MI:  Okay I’m going to have to end this interview.

Paul Hewson:  Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy/grab my glasses I’m out the door I’m gonna hit this city/ before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack/’cause when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back.

MI:  That’s Ke$ha! Are you out of your mind?

I ended my strange and disquieting interview with Mr. Hewson.  I left him standing on a table singing.  No further word on whether his ONE Foundation will increase the percentage of donations that go to worthy causes.

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