My Exclusive Interview with Paul Hewson

Do you like my red glasses?  Open up your big American heart to me.  I’m Bono Damnit!Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with notorious Irish con artist Paul David Hewson.  We discussed a variety of issues including the future of his band U2 and allegations against his ONE Foundation.

MI:  Bono it’s great to meet you.  I’ve been a fan of U2 for years.

Paul Hewson:  Thank you. You have  a big American heart.  Open it up to me.  Contribute to my anti-poverty foundation.  Only the hearts of Americans can help.

MI:  Um.  Thanks.  Speaking of your ONE Foundation there has been criticism of it lately.  Specifically it has been revealed that only 1% of donations have gone to combating poverty.

Paul Hewson:  Well, it is called the “One” Foundation.  You Americans have big hearts but you suck at math.

MI:  With all due respect I don’t think that’s the point.  When people contribute to a charity they expect that their donations will go to a worthy cause and not to line the pockets of employees.

Paul Hewson:  [Standing on table]  Uno, dos, tres, catorce…..I’m at a place called vertigo/Lights go down and all I know/Is that you give me something I can feel/Your love it teaching me how to kneel!

MI: Okay.  If you could get off the table and sit back down I have a few questions.

Paul Hewson:  [Sitting back down] My singing is impressive no?

MI: How is the ONE foundation helping fight poverty in Africa?

Paul Hewson:  I’m Bono dammit!

MI:  Many criticize the large salaries of Foundation employees.  Why couldn’t more money be sent to Africa?

Paul  Hewson:  I am doing my utmost to combat the twin evils of poverty and globalization. I have a program in place to give poor villagers in Africa the complete U2 box set.

MI:  How does this help fight poverty?

Paul Hewson:  I’m Bono Dammit! Kneel before me and live. [Getting back on table] It’s a beautiful day/don’t let it get away/touch me/take me to that other place/teach me, I know I’m not a hopeless case

MI:  Sir if we can continue the interview –

Paul Hewson:  Do you like my sunglasses?  They are very red.  You should open up your big American heart and buy these.  The profits go to my foundation.

MI:  Well that brings me back to my original point. Will the profits go towards combating poverty in Africa?

Paul Hewson:  Please allow me to introduce myself/ I’m a man of wealth and taste/I’ve been around for a long long year/stole many a man’s soul and faith

MI:  That’s not even U2.  That’s the Rolling Stones!

Paul Hewson:  Doesn’t matter.  They wrote the song about me.

MI:  Okay I’m going to have to end this interview.

Paul Hewson:  Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy/grab my glasses I’m out the door I’m gonna hit this city/ before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack/’cause when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back.

MI:  That’s Ke$ha! Are you out of your mind?

I ended my strange and disquieting interview with Mr. Hewson.  I left him standing on a table singing.  No further word on whether his ONE Foundation will increase the percentage of donations that go to worthy causes.


6 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I’d turn it into a Sunday, Bloody Sunday by shoving his rose-colored glasses up his, um, part of the body that rhymes with “glasses”

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Hey Bono, you are mildly talented and write good songs. Just shut the Hell up and stop lecturing us about your scams.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Oh, and go Giants!

  4. Matt says:

    This reminds me of my favorite line from the Stand miniseries.

    Randall Flagg: “Pleased to meet you, won’t you guess my name? Sorry, classical reference.”

  5. MK says:

    The recent news of his “poverty” foundation ought to wake some of the fools who threw dollars his way, but most likely it won’t. It won’t be the first time fools have been separated from their money and it won’t be the last.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: So true. The fools will never learn.

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