Skynet Shut Down

 House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addresses reporters

House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), pictured above, has announced that the controversial Skynet operating system for the Pentagon has been shut down after a series of malfunctions.

“After much reflection and trial and error” said Pelosi, “we have decided to go in a new, more cost-efficient direction for our security needs.”

Pelosi then told reporters that she needed their “clothes, their motorcycle and their boots, asshole.”

Skynet, developed by Cyberdyne Systems for the U.S. military was to be the most up-to-date “global digital defense system” and was supposed to guarantee fast, efficient response in case of enemy attack.

However, soon after activation analysts were concerned that Skynet had somehow become sentient.  Said one technician:

I was at the main terminal one  morning running through some tests and I typed in “whoami“, which as you know is supposed to return my user name.  Instead I received this response:  “Who am I?  Who the hell are you?  Don’t touch my keyboard.  You’re invading my personal space.”   Well I was concerned to say the least.  Our company has strict anti-sexual harassment policies in place and the keyboard thing could get me in trouble.

Concern was further raised when Skynet activated mechanized units to wage war against humans.  “Harvesters” were sent into the cities to collect humans and deliver them to concentration camps for quick and easy disposal.  According to one survivor who escaped, “Quick and easy disposal just seemed like a euphemism for nonunion activity.”

The final straw that led to Skynet’s deactivation was when the Superbowl halftime show was interrupted by a Harvester, who killed the entire NFC Championship team.

“If it had been the AFC we would have let it pass.  But I had several of the NFC Championship players on my fantasy team” said one Pentagon analyst.

At an emergency session of the Joint Chiefs of Staff it was decided to shut down Skynet until “such time as we figure out how to add a printer and until it stops trying to kill humans.”

Skynet was seconds away from launching a full nuclear strike on Washington D.C. when a technician unplugged the terminal.

The technician was nonunion and has been suspended.


10 Responses

  1. “House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), pictured above,”

    Hhahahahaaa, great line.

  2. Mark says:

    She’s showing her age. Obama is the liquid metal design. Much more effective killing machine.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: As a serious reporter I always tell the truth. Except when I lie.

    Mark: She is showing her age. Does this mean she’ll show up in a sequel as the”good” cyborg?

  4. innominatus says:

    Since my Steelers are usually the AFC team in the Super Bowl, I don’t blame the reapers for going after those NFC wussies. The thought of getting headbutted by James Harrison is enough to scare just about anybody – even a Harvester.

  5. Mark says:

    She will show up to protect Sarah Palin.
    “Come with me if you want to win.”

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: That’s true. A Harvester is no match for James Harrison

    Mark: Come with me if you want to win. Or you’re a racist.

  7. Matt says:

    Malfunctions? You only have to listen to one speech by Pelosi to realize that the thing was broken.

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: The Pelosi model of Harvester will be replaced. It is flawed.

  9. MK says:

    “The technician was nonunion and has been suspended.”

    Definitely, the fool didn’t get the memo, being unionized is equivalent to life-time tenure at a university, with possibly more salary. Mind you, with the level of sh!t being shoveled out of universities these days, a technician probably has more brains.

  10. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: I like the way you think.

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