Hospitals Use Liturgical Dance to Induce Vomiting

The Sisters of the Fat Mannish Lesbian induce vomitingThe mother was frantic and rushed her child to the emergency room.  Her son has swallowed poison and needed to have his stomach pumped.  Ipecac was administered to no avail.  The child refused to vomit.

“The kid must have a cast-iron stomach” said the attending physician in the ER.  “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Desperate to induce vomiting the ER resorted to a new and controversial method:  Liturgical dance.

The Holy Sisters of the Fat Mannish Lesbian were brought in to do a five-minute interpretative dance of Jesus preaching about the dangers of climate change. Within seconds the child was vomiting.

“It was like watching Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  The kid was spewing across the entire room.”

The incident also points out some of the dangers of liturgical dance.  Not only did the intended target vomit, but everyone in the ER started to vomit as well.

“Everyone was puking their guts out.  Doctors, nurses, orderlies, other patients.  Hell, even the bodies in the morgue all started to vomit.”

In short, liturgical dance is effective but if placed in the wrong hands very dangerous.

Congress has opened hearings to determine if liturgical dance should be classified as a controlled substance.

“We want to make liturgical dance safe, legal and rare” said a congressman.

The discovery of the unintended disabling effects of liturgical dance are opening up a new field in historical studies.  Said a professor of 20th Century history:

Just think if the Polish people had had liturgical dance in 1939 they could have stopped the Blitzkrieg in its tracks.  The German army would have been immobilized behind a thick green layer of noxious vomit.  Tanks would have stopped because those inside were vomiting.  Infantry, artillery would not have been able to operate because the site of brave Polish resistance fighters doing liturgical dance would have sickened the Nazis into surrender.  The German air force would never have gotten off the ground because the pilots would have been too dehydrated from blowing chunks.

Already there are concerns that Iran has a secret liturgical dance program as several Sisters of the Fat Mannish Lesbian have been spotted in Tehran.  Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies this.

“We are developing liturgical dance for peaceful purposes only and not to kill the Zionist pig.”

However UN inspectors remain unconvinced.

“If Iran ever develops weapons-grade liturgical dance it’ll be the end of the world.”


5 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    How long before they figure out that Madonna causes the same effect?

    Damn! I’ve said too much.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Damn it Matt!!! Are you trying to ruin all our secrets?

  3. innominatus says:

    Like the pie-eating contest in Stand By Me

  4. LSP says:

    Excellent – nothing quite like a bit of good old industrial strength liturgical dance to get the stomach churning.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    LSP: Liturgical dance: Destroying the faith for over three decades.

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