FDA Approves Gene-Altered Fish

Gene altered fish will soon be able to defend AmericaThe FDA has tentatively approved gene-altered salmon for consumption in the United States.

“This is a great day for science” said an FDA official. “Not only do gene-altered fish grow twice as quickly as normal fish but they have other benefits as well.”

Because gene-altered fish grow quicker than normal fish that means that more fish will be on the market quicker, ending hunger.  But what also has scientists and government officials excited is the myriad of other uses that the altered fish have:

Some of the fish grow to over seven feet in length. Many grow impenetrable body armor.  Obviously this has a use.  They can become soldiers and help us fight our enemies.  As a test we fired upon the fish and the bullets bounced off their armor.  Those who didn’t eat the scientists signed up for the Army on the spot.  Some of the fish know Shakespeare inside and out.  I’ll take a fish over Olivier any day. You’ve never heard Hamlet until you’ve heard it done by a fish.  These fish can start touring companies and put on plays across the U.S., freeing actors to do what they do best – saving the world.  I asked some of the fish if this interested them.  They answered yes.  Then they ate my wife.

Despite the proven benefits of gene-altered fish, many Americans remain skeptical or outright hostile to the fish.

“Look I gave them a shot.  But they ate my children” said one concerned American.

President Obama has commented on the controversy, saying that Americans have to stop clinging to guns, religion and “typical nonaltered fish.”

The Attorney General Eric Holder appeared on the Sunday talk shows to ask for a nationwide dialogue about fish.  “We have to have an honest conversation about this.  I fear we are a nation of cowards.”

As the altered fish prepare to enter the United States in large numbers the final word comes from one genetically modified fish:

You Americans are so insular and ignorant.  This is a nation of immigrants and fish are no different than the Irish, Italians or Germans.  Except we are seven feet tall, have body armor and can recite Shakespeare.  Are you going to use both of your legs?  May I eat one?

The modified fish should be seen across America in large numbers by Thanksgiving.


7 Responses

  1. Look, the fish I can tolerate.

    But the minute you genetically modify my cows, it’s war.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: It’s already in in the planning stages. Say hello to Cows who can eat KFC double downs.

  3. innominatus says:

    Cows that eat double downs – that sounds pretty cool. I could learn to like beef that also tastes like chicken and bacon.

    In fact, I can’t think of anything more awesome.

  4. Karen Howes says:

    These superfish had better come with picatta sauce. That, or frickin’ lasers on their heads.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: cow double downs. Coming to a KFC near you.

    KH: Frickin’ lasers is the way to go.

  6. Matt says:

    It is rumored that Red Lobster is constructing Terminators to harvest these fish.

    This could get ugly.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Well if that happens we know who to blame: George Bush.

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