Hugo Drax, President and CEO of Drax Industries, exclusive maker of the Space Shuttle, has announced that in light of his failed attempt to kill all humans and repopulate the planet with a master race that his company will fold operations.
“What can I say? I overextended myself. Using a rare South American orchid to kill everyone on Earth seemed like a good business plan. I blame my advisers.”
The announcement was long expected on Wall Street. Analysts had watched in wonder as Drax had loaded his company with excessive debt and raided the pension fund to build a space station.
“The employees were pretty pissed about that” said one regulator. “Most wouldn’t have minded if they could have retired to the space station but Drax kept tellling them ‘Only perfect specimens. Only perfect specimens.’ ”
Many speculate that the bankruptcy is an attempt by Drax to avoid paying the massive fines levied upon him by the Federal government for among other things, stealing one of his own space shuttles, murdering several of his assistants and illegally importing banned South American plants with intent to kill off the human race.
“If you ask me the guy was a little nutty. I mean, all CEOs are eccentric but this guy just seemed to be unhinged.”
Appearing on Larry King Live, Drax defended himself and his actions, stating that in business one must adapt or die.
“That’s why I wanted to kill off everyone and create a master race. I was afraid that Steve Jobs would beat me to it.”
Drax’s plan for world domination started to fall apart when British secret agent James Bond 
discovered the plot and confronted Drax onboard his space station. Drax confessed and promised not to do it again.
Drax has apologized to his workers that will now be left without jobs, “Sorry about that”, his investors “Whoops” and to his fifth grade teacher, “It was I who put the hamster in your desk drawer. Yes it was I, Hugo Drax. I am deeply sorry. Please accept my apology.”
Despite bankrupting his company and facing possible criminal charges Drax remains upbeat.
“CNN wants me to do a prime time talk show with that Bond guy. Kind of like a point counterpoint thing. The money will help me get back on my feet and finance another plan at world domination. Um, I mean the money will help me open a restaurant. It’ll have a South American flavor to it, with lots of rare orchids on the menu.”
(469)
I actually lost a great deal of money when I invested in the moonraker project. I was originally told the moonraker project would change the face of the earth and create new markets and opportunities. Who knew that these new markets and opportunities involved wiping out the entire human race? If it sounds too good to me true… Well needless to say I dumped the stock immediately at a loss…easy come, easy go.
Hugo Drax: Poor businessman but visionary facial hair innovator.
JC: You should have invested in gold like G. Gordon Liddy told you to.
CRS: My own feeling on this is that Drax would have liked to be clean shaven but since he put all his money into a space station to build a new master race he ran out of shaving cream and said, “f*** it.”
Well, everyone makes mistakes.
All he has to do is renounce capitalism, and he’s golden. He can set up a communist banana republic on and island somewhere , and grow all the orchids he wants. Who knows, maybe Michael Moore or Oliver Stone will come down and do a glowing documentary about him!
Matt: I spoke to Michael Moore. He needs funding from capitalists to fund his latest socialist documentary.
But I’m sure Hollywood will kick in.